I believe my husband to be an emotional abuser. Many times I have felt like his behaviour is fundamentally unfair and feels like, essentially, in our little world he has denied me my basic rights as a human being! Love, support, consideration, intimacy( said once he controls me through sex), kindness, reassurance. The relationship is fundamentally wrong. He must not love me, I must not be good enough for him. It hurts.
We have three kids and are currently living with my Fil due to debt problems. A few things he has done to give you an idea, the worst was when our first child was a born, he went out the night after got totally pissed and forget to turn up at the hospital, brought back random people to our home. I had had a PPH and baby was unwell. I felt so betrayed. I should have left then. 3rd child he says he cant stay off to help get the kids to school ( I physically couldn’t do it) he was annoyed and just walked off out the door and later says ‘I don't like being responsible for you) Lots more I cant go into it all its been years worth. I just don't know how some came be so cold, I wouldn't do that to a stranger never mind a partner.
Most recently, I feel his emotional abuse has changed tact, and he has now starter to criticise my parenting. I felt one particular incident he was micro managing my every move and i couldn't do anything right. He has never done this before, his nastiness has always been in response to me assenting myself when it came to demanding respect as a woman/partner in our personal relationship. I feel like it has changed and it makes me sick. Another was he didn't like the food I was giving them, but he didn't just say he implied that I was unfit to look after them.
The other incident was when I was 10 mins late to pick up the kids, we have moved away from family about 2 hrs on public transport, I was getting a lift for the first bit of the journey, and bus for the rest, I had left about 45 mins to get to school. i would have just make it with 15mins to walk down to the school but bus was late. so I had 5 mins or so to walk down, I would have been about 5 mins late but was I was rushing and haven't took my anxiety meds, I started to get painful palpitations. I have PSVT (heart arrhythmia) and while its not dangerous its very scary and that with the feeling I am going to be late and let the kids down was awful. Anyway I phoned school to say I was going to be late. I walked slowly as I was getting constant palps, I made it.
Had a sit down. Was fine, just shaken up. I had phoned husband loads to see if he was home soon, he has all different working hours. Couldn't get into touch, but he was home soon after. So he's asking are you ok now, then started questing me as to why I was late, pulling faces and rising eyebrows and saying it wouldn't have happened if I had have planned things better and its was my fault basically. So cold and heartless. I didn't want anything just not to be blamed when i already feel like crap for being late and making the kids worry about me ( I am so proud of them though, they were sweet saying ‘you should sit down Mum!’ I feel so proud of them as they are so loving and kind to people)
So I was really upset as I just felt like i was still in panic mode and was getting a kicking when I was already down. He later said he was only thinking about the kids and how it would look to the staff that I was later and that we might get reported( he said that this was because of something I had said, that might have implied the staff were judging me) I just thought it was a bit sly to set all that whizzing round my head.
And last night when i was demanding to be treated like a human and not be spoke to and treated like an insignificant worthless piece of shit you cant get rid of, his major problem and response was that I am to dependant on him. I just want to live with out being picked on and have a basic level of support as a partner. I am asking too much, I am a hassle. So thats it, I feel so insulted, as i supported him to leave his job out of the blue 5 weeks after having out last child, the second time he's quit and yet I am too dependant on him so he's washed his hand off me. Doesn't care if we are together or not, he's happy to stay together, I assume this will mean me shutting the fuck up and getting on with it just swallowing his shit. So really I need to decide what I need to do. My kids are the most important thing to me.
It really gets to me as well that as part of his job he works delivering bullying/domestic violence workshops, it really make me angry. He even said of one of the domestic violence courses ‘yeah a lot of it was too close to home’ So he knows what he's doing. Yet he will selectively forget all this say I am unreasonably. crazy, demanding.
Thanks for reading.
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Relationships
Husband says I am too dependant on him.
59 replies
redmumbec · 12/11/2016 09:39
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