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Should I leave?

(20 Posts)
Grublets Fri 11-Nov-16 15:46:32

I've been with DH for 15 years and we have two dc. Lately I have been feeling more and more dissatisfied with our relationship. It feels like there are too many problems to list.

I feel we have nothing in common. He has no interest in me or anything else. He has no friends, no hobbies, no job. He is a SAHD but we have loads of help from family members who collect the kids 4 days a week.

He has No interest in spending time with mutual friends. No interest in days out with me and the kids. If he does come along it's like he's forced to be there. Definitely no interest in spending time with me beyond watching the odd tv programme together once or twice a week. He literally does nothing but sit on the couch. Drinks alone 3 x a week.

We don't have sex. Haven't in ages. This side of things has always been a bit shit but now worse than ever. He has made no effort to rectify this. Nor have I this time but have done in the past. We sleep separately. Partly cos the kids are difficult sleepers but even when they're going through a good patch he hasn't made the effort to come to bed for more than the odd night and never at the same time as me. Seems to prefer the couch.

He's not a bad man. When home he's a good dad. But I'm so unhappy. I don't see how he can change things that are so ingrained into his personality and have been going on for years and years? I would feel so selfish splitting up the family because of my own needs. There is no emotional/physical abuse. Nothing awful. Just not much of anything. But I can't carry on like this. DH seems clueless anything is wrong. Happy to plod along.

I suppose I'm looking for anyone with experience of similar. Is it worth trying to see if he will change? Or cutting my losses and ending things before I waste anymore of my life.

user1478877722 Fri 11-Nov-16 15:48:54

Why doesn't he work?

user1478877722 Fri 11-Nov-16 15:51:19

Is he depressed possibly?

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It sounds just like too much drudgery with nothing to look forward to ever.

Grublets Fri 11-Nov-16 15:52:09

Well that's a long story in itself. He hasn't for years. Even pre dc. He did at one point. Had a fling with a woman from work. Ended up quitting his job. I should have left then! I didnt really want to bring it up as was years and years ago. Before kids and like a different lifetime. At that stage he had interests and friends.

Costacoffeeplease Fri 11-Nov-16 15:53:30

He does sound depressed if he doesn't have any interest in anything. Would he go to the gp?

Grublets Fri 11-Nov-16 15:53:33

It is drudgery. But I have lots of friends and a very supportive family. I am lucky in that sense. But then feel guilty that I'm out enjoying myself and he has nothing at all.

Grublets Fri 11-Nov-16 15:54:46

I asked him about possible depression. He dismissed it. Said he wasn't. To be fair I haven't pushed it with him. But only he can sort that out.

adora1 Fri 11-Nov-16 16:00:24

It sounds dead in the water OP, never mind his past infidelity, it just sounds like there is no passion, no excitement, nothing to look forward to, it's not selfish to want and expect a fulfilling relationship and that definitely includes regular sex.

See if he's amenable to a split, if so, you can both still co parent and you can go find yourself a man that desires and wants you, I'd not be able to stand this.

shandybass Fri 11-Nov-16 16:01:16

Grub lets you're not on your own. There's a whole load of us on another thread in very similar circumstances. I can't link it, but if you look for ' Relationships: not awful but oh so miserable' or something like that.
You cannot keep going like you are. He either needs to get help and sort out why he is doing nothing with his life and then you can reevaluate or get out now. After 15 yrs and what you're describing I'd be inclined to get out now, but then I'm still trying to leave so I can't say anything.

user1478877722 Fri 11-Nov-16 16:06:18

Have you raised any of this with him? Does he like being a SAHD? Has the time come for that arrangement to change? Can you change things? Do you talk about your non-existent sex life?

Make a nice meal, open a bottle of wine, put the children to bed and tell him how you're feeling. Talk. Clearly, In sentences that use 'I' not 'you'.
I can't go on living this way.
I feel we have nothing in common.
I don't want to live my life without sexual intimacy.

FuckingHellz Fri 11-Nov-16 16:17:05

I'm in a similar situation. My dp is a good man but we don't communicate and don't have a connection.

I go up to bed after I've put dd to bed as I feel so desperately sad and lonely.

It's really shit isn't it.

Vagabond Fri 11-Nov-16 16:20:15

Why doesn't he work?

Grublets Fri 11-Nov-16 16:34:35

I have raised it with him over the years. Not for a long time though. I feel like nothing will change. It never has in the past. I feel like I'm at the point where I need to accept that this him and make the best of it or split the family apart.
If it is depression then it must have been going on a long time. It has been like this for years.
I do feel scared about what he would do without me though. I am the only thing in his life really.
Also scared re what would happen with the kids. He is the stay at home parent. Does that mean he would get custody?!

Horsegirl1 Fri 11-Nov-16 16:52:43

So he doesn't work because he once flirted with a college ?? He needs to get back into work and form some sort of life for himself. IS it you who doesn't want him working for fear of him cheating ???

Horsegirl1 Fri 11-Nov-16 16:53:38

He does sound depressed op. Depression can last year's and won't get better until he addresses his feeling with gp amd gets treatment / counselling

user1478877722 Fri 11-Nov-16 16:54:27

On scant information you've given. Is it possible he's a passive aggressive? Punishing you with the withdrawal of sexual intimacy as a means of control? You go out to work and he doesn't. That creates quite a bit of imbalance (for whomever stays at home) because the person who earns the money has more power.

Did you persuade him to give up his career when he had an affair? It's odd to feel scared about what a grown man will do without you. He'll be absolutely fine and you should be concentrating on yourself.

Grublets Fri 11-Nov-16 16:58:08

Did not persuade him to give up his career as a result of the affair. I did ask him to leave his job and look for something else because of it but he refused at the time and then left anyway in the end. I have broached the subject of him going back to work. Many times. Both before and after kids. He doesn't seem at all keen on the idea. Thinks it would be too difficult to arrange childcare around and not worth financially if we needed to pay child minders etc. All excuses really.

Grublets Fri 11-Nov-16 16:59:17

No I don't think he's passively aggressively withdrawing sex. I think he's genuinely not interested. Has a low sex drive anyway and isn't bothered enough by me to pursue anything.

Grublets Fri 11-Nov-16 17:01:05

He is capable of being affectionate with the kids. Cuddling etc. But doesn't do much of this with me or any affection at all really now beyond the odd cursory peck "hello/goodbye". This is not a new thing. His lack of affection with me has always bothered me. Right from the beginning.

user1478877722 Fri 11-Nov-16 17:12:15

He sounds a classic passive aggressive. Making excuses, underperforming, withholding intimacy. Especially the fact that he's affectionate with the children but not with you. He's let you down horribly in so many ways. You deserve better.

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