Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
How to approach this?(30 Posts)
Things have been pretty rough for us all for a couple of years. DH and I have got through it relatively well until the last few weeks. I'm desperately unhappy and need more from him but struggling to know how to get him to understand that. Some key things without giving a massive back story.
He has a disability which has changed his life in lots of ways and is quite depressed about this.
The result of that is that he doesn't do much, either around the house or outside the house. He waits for me to get home before doing anything and if I ask him to do anything while I'm at work he will do one thing, e.g. Will you phone this person and this person to sort this out? He will only phone one person, if I ask about the other person he huffs and puffs as if I'm being unreasonable. He keeps the house generally tidy but doesn't do things like the washing so me and the kids literally have no clean clothes to wear at the weekend; so the kids end up having pyjama days on their games and we rarely go anywhere, which suits him as he wants to stay at home. He avoids his kids coming over (adults) and says awful things and I smooth everything over so we don't become totally isolated but it's not good for any of us.
He is angry / snappy / short tempered / negative all the time and it's draining me. I have no energy left to keep doing this because there is nothing which is good for the soul happening. As a result I've detached because I can't keep going, I feel like a sponge which is wrung out and has nothing left. I've tried to explain this and he says he understands but then he keeps making sarcastic comments and little digs.
I know he's under pressure at the moment and I want things to be better but I don't know how to word it without it feeling like an attack.
We are also very skint and waiting to hear about some money coming through to tide us over but for two years I have used savings and a loan to pay the mortgage because he can no longer work. We're now at the point where I have nothing left for the next mortgage payment and barely enough for food. I'm surviving on sandwiches and the kids are going without treats but he's still smoking and buying expensive coffee even though I have to give him money every month to pay his bills.
Any advice? Am off to work now so not ignoring any responses. I will check in again later.
My situation is also similar. Off to work also so look out for my post later.
Do you still love him? Because it sounds like you would be better off without this drain on your social, mental, and financial resources.
Don't pay his bills you shouldn't have to go without because he doesn't see the reality of the situation
Is he getting help for his depression? Is he on antidepressants? Did ye get on very well before he got his disability or has he had it from the beginning? I'm trying to discover if this is a change in personality in which case l would have hope of an improvement but if he had been like this from the beginning there isn't much hope of change. Do you actually write a list of stuff thatchers doing? It's harder to ignore a list and depression does cause memory problems.
This is a very tough situation. Does he get any disability payment from the government?
I don't think you have to stay with someone just because they have a disability. They have a responsibility to input into the relationship too.
Thanks for your replies, just checking in before I go into work.
He isn't on anti depressants or under the GP for MH, he was a MH professional before things went tits up and he wouldn't go but we both know he's depressed.
I do love him, at times at the moment I find it hard to like him (that sounds so cheesy), he has always been on the idle side shall we say - it's a bit of a joke that if he procrastinates and likes a sit down, but usually with some chivvying he gets on with it. I have thought about a list but wondered if it was too much / controlling.
It's almost like he has become an adult child.
I think firstly your own children need to come first here in terms of having a safe secure home and food to eat, clean clothes etc. This will be impacting upon them significantly and it is unfair.
Your Dh's disability doesn't mean he cannot parent or be a husband but clearly he is struggling with these changes and i would say you are prime for cater burnout.
Losing your home will break you, you have to seek help before it comes to this - he is out of this decision now in my eyes, it's that serious. You can't afford to sit around and hope he will suddenly realise.
Go to your GP and seek help from CAB, NOW. Don't let things continue as they are. There must be change and you are the one to start this and hope he will accept help offered.
You have to see it like this - what boat would you rather rock? His fragile ego/depressed state or a repossession order? He needs help from a professional and agencies who are able to help him with his disability. You aren't superwoman.
I think you need to break down the issues
1. Will he go to counselling? You've mentioned his previous job but he obviously isn't in a position to take his own advice at this time. If he looks to begin helping himself is that enough to help you want to continue your relationship?
2. Can his adult children offer any support to aid his relationship with them i.e. getting him out the house with them even once a week for dinner at their house?
3. Although he's depressed you cannot have you and your children unable to wear clothes at the weekend. If he's at home the goal should be for him to do some of these things (you've made it clear his disability allows this). Short term can you each do one washing per week until he's able to do all the washing
4. You've mentioned you are struggling financially, are they're any areas you can save money i.e. moving utility companies/cancel internet/move any credit card debts to a zero percent card or taken out a lower interest personal loan for debt consolidation?
With his disability are there any eligible benefits that he is currently not claiming?
Is there any ways to boost household income i.e. Although he now has a disability can/when he return to work or are you expecting to be the sole income earner long-term? Can you pick up any more hours in work short-term to boost income? Do you have anything you don't heed that you can sell, i.e. old mobile phones/tablets etc
Approach your mortgage and other companies you owe money to and explain your change in circumstances. They may be willing to suspend/lower payments to get back on your feet.
Right now he sounds like he's really struggling and if you love him and want to remain with him you need to get him
To understand how dire the financial situation is so he needs to give up smoking/coffee.
We are waiting for an insurance payout which is uncertain in terms of amount but will help massively. Should get at least something before next month but I do agree that we need to go to CAB, I have some time that I can take off next week so we can do this. Hopefully that will help him to feel able to face up to the situation without feeling overwhelmed. If the worst comes to the worst we will ask for a mortgage holiday - everything is manageable on my wage.
Good idea about the adult kids, they aren't really aware of how difficult life has been (continuing to turn up for feeding etc and sitting around waiting to be served!) I think it will be good for them all.
Have put a load of washing in and left the rest on the floor ready to go in tomorrow.
We do have a few bits we can sell, I think that might be this weekends job.
Thank you for the perspective and space to offload.
Finally got around to posting after
another hectic day.
We are very similar in that, I work FT and am sole earner as DH is unable to work due to an illness that stems from an accident at work (also have an insurance claim, like you). He is also suffering from depression following this. The accident happened 3 years ago and has been a huge blow to us as a family. He (was) a typical "grafter-I-provide-for-my-family" type of guy, outgoing, happy. We've both always worked, bar me being a SAHM for two years when DS was little. DS is 9 now.
Now, DH is in constant pain which varies from perpetual throbbing to extreme stabbing in his arm and gums (at the moment, he has CRPS which seems to be spreading ) He sleeps poorly, as do I with being woken inadvertently by him, or from sheer worry. We have a spare room but I'm loathe for either of us to sleep there as I think it's "crossing a line" and losing intimacy. Not that we're able to be intimate. And I know folk will say "but surely your quality of sleep is massively important" and it IS but not at the expense of kicking DH when he's already toppling into the gutter. He's tired, irritable, snappy and extremely stressed, which exacerbates his condition. He tries his best around the house if he's having a "good" day and to be honest I don't care. That's NOT me saying you should by the way! It's just that it kills me to see him this way, it's not his fault, he's trying his best and I can't ask for more. Yes, I'm exhausted, yes it's hard sometimes on DS, the ironing and the dust piles up but for me, it's all "stuff". And my stuff can wait. DH is on a cocktail of meds, including antidepressants. He doesn't like taking them but knows he has to.
I'm also more than likely needing surgery early next year so I worry about that too. Overall, some days are better than others and our savings are plummeting. These insurance claims can take years I believe which is a daunting prospect.
Anyhow, I empathise totally and sincerely hope things improve.
Oh yes, he's put in an application for PIP and a claim for Industrial Injuries benefit. He did both begrudgingly and we haven't heard if successful or not yet.
Sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult time. Is it possible to get some sort of interim payment through the insurance claim to help cover your partner's loss of earnings and to get therapy support for him to get back into work if this is possible?
He did try to return to work (different job) but it didn't work out because of his health sadly. He just wasn't able to do it.
We have been told that the solicitor has threatened that she will instruct legal proceedings (or something like that) if they don't get back to her with an offer of some description within a week. So hopefully will be ok after this. Seriously, anyone who thinks that an insurance claim is a way of making a quick buck has no idea of the level of stress / length of time / lack of influence you have on he whole process.
Shakey - I completely empathise with you. Sounds like a really tough situation - are you close to a resolution? Any three years the cut off point now for claims to be dealt with?
Three years is the time limit for a claim to be submitted to court. The actual case can take a lot longer to be concluded.
Is it an interim payment your solicitor is requesting do you think?
SHe's asking for a settlement offer and if they don't think they can do that (i.e. they want to go to court) they need to make an interim payment.
It's cut and dried in the sense that liability has been admitted, it's just taken a long time because of having to wait and see if the injuries will heal / surgery will work etc (neither has happened).
What is the hold up with yours?
I would contact CAB and check that you are getting all the support you are entitled to. Child tax credits/ working tax credits is an important one. When I became disabled I was entitled to ESA and PIP. Depending on how many hours you work, you may also be entitled to carers allowance. If PIP claim is rejected, appeal, so many first time applications are rejected on principal. There are different charities which will come out and help your dh to fill out the forms. Did you have Critical Illness cover for your mortgage? Or a Mortgage protection cover? As your dh no longer is able able to work, he should be able to claim the mortgage protection (although I am assuming that this is the insurance payout you are waiting for). I would contact the mortgage company and ask for a payment holiday, also ask for an extension on your mortgage, by adding ten years to the term of our mortgage we were able to drastically reduce our mortgage repayments.
My dh had to give up a very well paid job offshore to become a fulltime carer for me and our two children (one of which is Autistic). He became very depressed and it got to a crisis point. I contacted the g.p and he had an appointment to see the g.p that day and a counsellor the next day (this was just luck, we live in a rural area and the next day was the one day a month that a counsellor came from the City to our local practice). My dh couldn't go on antidepressants because of medication he was on, but he had several counselling sessions which really helped. Just offloading his thoughts and worries helped immediately.
I will add that we exhausted all of our savings paying our mortgage and bills when we were entitled to benefits we had no idea we could claim. So please do contact your local CAB.
Hi ladies, happened to come across this thread. Thought I'd post to offer and . I suffer from depression myself and when you are at your worst you often don't realise it. That said, I think the effect depression has on others living with you and caring for you can be very much underestimated, so you really do have my sympathy.
How long ago did your husbands have their accidents?
Exactly the same as you! In fact, are you me? <eyes hmmm suspiciously>
We don't have a short or long term prognosis yet. The type of work DH was doing when the accident happened, he's completely unable to do at the moment and for the foreseeable. He's also unable to do any work unless someone is willing to hire a disabled, sleep deprived, in constant pain, depressed 53 year old who did his last job for over 25years and is untrained in anything else, would be a medical liability who wouldn't pass a medical or health questionnaire, is full of meds and has appointments with the pain clinic, psychologist coming out of his arse. It has absolutely broken him and is soul destroying to see/watch/be a part of.
I try to be chipper and humour is our salvation. But I do worry about how we'll cope, physically when I need my surgery as I'll be holed up for three months recovering. But fortunately, we've family nearby on hand to help if needs must and for that, I'm eternally grateful.
And we're freakishly similar in that liability was admitted straight away and he also tried to work afterwards but simply wasn't well enough
Can't advise you on everything else but I can't believe you and the kids don't go out at weekends because you have no clean clothes! Why don't you put a few loads in the wash??
Sounds like you are both trying to cope with such difficult situations. Have your Solicitor's suggested that your partners have a Case Manager appointed at all? They can help with arranging therapy/medical/ practical and psychological support in the early stages of a claim as it sounds as though the impact on your partner's has been significant.
It's only at the weekend that I realise that no washings been done, when I (or the kids) go to find something to wear. By which stage of course I put a wash on but we have then lost at least half a day (or more if we've had a lie in or I've spent the morning cleaning in my PJs)
Have prompted a wash today by doing half and he did the rest.
I was just about to give you a run down of my day and the reason that I often don't realise that no washings been done - but realised that it would be a self pitying rant and I don't want to get into that.
No case manager here, just been muddling through (with humour like you Shakey). I had surgery last year, ended up being out of action for a few weeks - it was really hard, you have my sympathies.
If he really cared he would get treatment for his depression. The financial situation also sounds incredibly unfair. Does he realise the immense financial pressure you are (both) under? Does he know you are living on sandwiches. It doesn't sound like a loving partner who lets his wife live on sandwiches whilst he buys expensive coffee. Can you not restructure the finances as a first step here?
Hi, I also care for my DH. From a practical perpective echo PP, check out what DH is entitled to from a PIP and ESA perspective. If he qualifies and you are on a low income yourself you may also be entitled to carers allowance. Even if you don't have to physically assist much, it sounds like you give emotional and psychological support. And I know how exhausting this can be. As a carer you are also entitled to a carers assessment for you by social services to look at supporting you in your carer role. Your DH will likely know all this from his previous job role, and also will know what help ison offer from his GP. Maybe hes not seeing himself as depressed but it sounds like he needs a loving but firm nudge in that direction.
From my experience the most important thing is to make time for you. Make time to have a coffee with friends, go for a walk, paint a picture, whatever it is that you can do just for you. It is so important for your own mental health to do this. I also found that by doing this DH took less of what I do for granted for some reason.
Just a quick update - got a call today to say that an interim payment is on it's way so mortgage is safe for a while.
Had a better weekend actually. I told DH a bit of how I was feeling and we did some things together over the weekend, a bit brighter all round.
Haven't forgotten the other advice though and will look into it
Join the discussion
Please login first.