'I don't fancy you anymore'

[xX2708Xx]

Yesterday myself and my other half had a minor argument in Tesco and he stormed out and drove home and proceeded to text me at work this morning (we didn't speak the whole of last night) to inform me that he can't bear to live with me anymore and that he no longer 'fancies' me. He's called me a lot of names in the past but this seems to have touched a nerve more than any other name calling. He also decided to divulge into the fact that I no longer make an effort to look good anymore and he avoids me at all costs to make his life easier and more peaceful. I knew we weren't seeing eye to eye but never thought he felt so bad. The other big factor was money. I work 3 days a week and stay home with our LG the other 2, I really think he resents providing becuase he throws everything with regards to money in my face becuase naturally he earns substantially more than I therefore pays the majority of our bills (not in a old fashioned way - I pay bills to!) He says things like when was the last time you bought me anything etc knowing all my wages are outgoings and it's his money that we use for the nice little extras. He even suggested we sell our home after Christmas because he can't stand to be here with me so much. I just wanted to know if anybody had been in a similar situation and how it turned out? I'm new to Mumsnet and I'm sorry to rant I just need some neutral advice and support x

[Horsegirl1]

Oh hunni he sounds awful. Coukd he have said all what he did because he was angry and just lashing out ? To say he doesn't fancy you anymore is awful and a big , damaging statement . HAs he been off with you a while or just because of this fight ? DOES he still try to hug or kiss you ? I'M sorry he he has said such cruEl things op. xx

[Horsegirl1]

Oh and my dh has said similar things to me so I know how much it hurts. HE always apologises then is super nice for a while then boom he will say all his favourite nasty comments. I'm actually not in love anymore with him and resent him so much for what he has done to me this past year. I'M only here because we have 4 kids and iv no money to escape as he is in charge of all finances. Mine is a whole other thread but I know how much it stings when they say vulgar nasty things. Iv no self esteem left and avoid going out because he has made me believe I'm an awful fat ugly bitch

[xX2708Xx]

Oh my gosh it sounds just like me. I'm sorry your going through it too. He's exactly the same he says truly awful things and then after he's thought about it he's sorry but the damage is already done. And lo and behold the niceness lasts a few days then we're back to square one. The saddest part is when they say they don't fancy you it's so personal and there's absolutely nothing you can do to change it. Ive actually said to him in retaliation before that if I had enough money to up and leave I would of done it a long time ago. He's always had a nasty tongue but it's got progressively worse and I'd go as far as calling him a bully some times. I tell myself must get enjoyment out of it because otherwise you just wouldn't do that to someone. I've also had the fat card pulled on me. He's no oil painting either but I love him for who he is not for what he's got. Thanks for your support Horsegirl1 hope things get better for you xx

[ShebaShimmyShake]

I love him for who he is

Who he is doesn't sound worth loving. You do, though.

[FetchezLaVache]

He sounds absolutely horrible OP and it must absolutely grind you down having to live with his nastiness.

I'm sorry to say it but it sounds like he's gearing up to leave. Time to get your ducks in a row. Are you married and is the house in joint names?

[xX2708Xx]

ShebaShimmyShake thank you xx

FetchezLaVache I guess so, I feel like I'm at a point now where it's probably just better to cut our losses, rather do it that way than feel like this week in week out. We aren't married but we do have a joint mortgage. It's so good to get it off my chest without judgement x

[Ohdearducks]

OP that's awful he sounds emotionally abusive, tearing away at your confidence for his own enjoyment.
You deserve better than this cretin of a man, absolutely get your ducks in a row as previous poster has said, no one deserves to be stuck with someone who has zero respect for them and treats them with contempt.

[xX2708Xx]

Thank you Hun. All I want to do is go back to my parents but I feel like I'm a grown woman now I don't wanna take my baggage to their doorstep and all the while I don't want them judging him. I know it's wrong to want to protect his feelings but that's what I'm like. Someone kindly deposit £10k into my account it would be greatly appreciated and would go very far towards a new start haha! :). Thank you all ladies you've made me feel a lot better. Had a few tears reading your comments. I'm sure I'll get through it xx

[goddessofsmallthings]

He's told you by text that he can't bear to live with me anymore and that he no longer 'fancies' me and he has also said that you no longer make an effort to look good anymore and he avoids you at all costs to make his life easier and more peaceful.

Regardless of whether or not I had deep feelings for him, if a significant other said this to me it would be OVER, FINITO, END OF, and there would be no going back.

How could any self-respecting woman stay, let alone get in bed, with a man who says such hateful things to to her?

As it's not the first time he's chosen to wound you with hurtful and uncaring words, I would suggest you to tell him to sling his hook now before this poisonous relationship has an adverse effect on your dc, if it hasn't done so already.

Funds may be lijmited but I'm sure you'll manage perfectly well and it's infinitely preferable to be as poor as a church mouse than stay with a man who is intent on destroying your self-esteem

[adora1]

Gawd, could he be any more cruel and financial abuse too and guilt tripping you whilst you are at home caring for his child, unbelievable.

I am afraid in your position, I would totally call his bluff, no man is worth sacrificing your self worth over; call him out and tell him you don't want to be with someone who thinks so badly of you and carry it through, it might actually be the making of you.

I don't know how you can even trust a person that has so much contempt towards you, sorry, you don't deserve that.

[springydaffs]

Oh girl, you are in an abusive relationship. He does all that bcs he likes it, it makes him feel good

Read up on emotional abuse, do the Freedom Programme. Unfortunately you aren't married so can't expect a good settlement. But then on the other hand it is fortunate you aren't married bcs it's straightforward to walk away.

But walk away you must. This will only get worse, as it has already.

[Bluntness100]

I agree if my hubby ever said or texted me something like that, I'd tell him to fuck right off , mean it and he knows it.

He sounds like an immature, selfish bully to me. Time to get rid.

[Maryhadalittlelambstew]

Please please leave. He's cruel, manipulative and a pitiful excuse of a man. You and your DD deserve so much vetter. Are you close to your parents? I've been in your situation and desperately tried to protect my abusive ex from judgement by not telling my parents what he was saying/doing to me but actually they knew. They'd watched me grow weaker and weaker for months knowing I was too scared of him to reach out for help and when I finally left him they were so relived they didn't care that I was a grown woman with children of my own, they just wanted THEIR little girl safe! If you're close to your mum and dad I wouldn't be surprised if they already knew and are just waiting for you to reach out.

You deserve better, you really do

[Cary2012]

This is unforgivable, you need to lick your wounds, then take control here.

When you recover from this body blow, tell him that you agree with him, that yes, it is certainly time to call it a day.

Make an exit plan (nothing wrong in going back to your parents by the way, grown woman or not), get legal advice and sort out the practical stuff.

You will need to be strong, but you will have to be even stronger if you stay with him because take it from one who's been there, he will break you if you hang around and let him.