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Does no contact with parent have to mean no contact at all?

(11 Posts)
Cloudylemons Wed 09-Nov-16 16:32:19

I haven't seen my mother for a few years. She is a narcissist, I feel safer not seeing her and my younger dc are safer away from her as she can't be trusted. I do send her a birthday card and Mother's Day card, and flowers at Christmas and birthday. Each time one of those occasions approaches I become anxious and consider not sending anything, but then I always do. I just don't know if I'd be better cutting all contact, completely. I should mention that she sends me a card and flowers for my birthday and Christmas, and when they arrive I feel so unwell that I have to throw them away immediately. I know it sounds irrational, but the sight of things from her makes me panic.

Hissy Wed 09-Nov-16 16:49:10

Fog

Fear

Obligation

Guilt

Look at the way you feel when you think Of her.

That's not healthy.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 09-Nov-16 16:51:35

I would consider cutting all contact completely. You get nothing good out of this and its not possible anyway to have a relationship with a narcissist.

Do you receive any sort of acknowledgement re the items you send her?. You get nothing out of sending flowers and cards to your mother and probably only do so anyway out of feeling obligated and guilty (both those feelings are really misplaced). You rightly throw out any items she sends you without acknowledgement.

crayfish Wed 09-Nov-16 16:57:19

Well there are no 'rules' about what contact does or doesn't mean, but I am 100% no contact with my mother (same as yours by the sounds) and no way in a million years would I be sending the woman flowers.

Your reaction to her cards/flowers speaks volumes to be honest, I would cease all contact entirely on that basis alone. Start with christmas. Just dont' send anything. Honestly, it's a relief in the end, at least it was for me, and it feels much 'cleaner' to just have zero contact. It sound slike contact is pretty minimal anyway and you might feel better to just cut the ties entirely.

Im glad mine doesn't know where I live or have my contact details so I can be very sure she will never contact me - a missed call or email from her used to bring me out in a panic.

Cloudylemons Wed 09-Nov-16 17:06:43

Thank you all for replying. I think I must know you're right really, or I wouldn't be worrying about upcoming birthday/Christmas. I'm just scared, ridiculous for a grown woman! As sending nothing seems hurtful, and because of the way I've been treated, I try never to be hurtful to anyone, if that makes sense?

ThatsNoWayToSayGoodbye Wed 09-Nov-16 17:11:08

I am no contact with my mother and have been for approaching 5 years. It'll never change. Why on earth would I send her birthday/Christmas/Mother's Day cards? She is dead to me.

It's not hurtful to not send a card. If she's anything like my mother, she would find it quite thrilling to know that you still can't make that final break.

She is the person who made you feel the way you do. No contact is about protecting yourself, not hurting someone else.

Cloudylemons Wed 09-Nov-16 17:15:01

Oh my god, I've just realised what FOG means Hissy, I hadn't quite seen what you meant. That's exactly how I feel, is this usual then? I'm new to realising what my mother is, to be honest I thought I was the only one until about a year ago! It's not at all healthy! And yes, ThatsNoWay, I'm sure she does love to know that I can't quite find the strength to walk away completely.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 09-Nov-16 17:15:18

"As sending nothing seems hurtful, and because of the way I've been treated, I try never to be hurtful to anyone, if that makes sense?"

Yes it does make sense; some people do adopt people pleasing behaviour at their overall expense. It is hurtful to you to send nothing because you are a reasonable person unlike your mother who will never be reasonable. In your case its all part of the fear, obligation and guilt; its all very unhealthy to carry all that and this is dragging you down.

Your mother never gave you any consideration and did not care that she hurt you emotionally. She has not cared that you have limited all contact with her, instead she tries to draw you back in by sending you unwanted items like cards etc. Its typical behaviour of toxic people to do this, they always want the last word. Drop the rope, free yourself by not sending her anything for Christmas or birthday. Spend the money on your own family unit instead.

I would read "Children of the Self Absorbed" written by Nina W Brown and look at the website entitled "Daughters of Narcissitic mothers".

Cloudylemons Wed 09-Nov-16 17:29:42

Thank you, I'm going to read the book and I'm going to send nothing at Christmas. My birthday is in between and I normally send a quick text saying Thank you very much for the flowers, very kind of you, love Cloudy. I think I'm going to have to try to ignore it this time, which terrifies me as I know it's rude. The sooner I read the book and look at the website, the better! Thank you all flowers

PikachuSayBoo Wed 09-Nov-16 17:32:24

How you're feeling is very usual.

I went NC with my mother just before her birthday and I was so scared about not sending her a card, I felt I ought to, then felt guilty about not doing it. Total FOG.

Two years on and no contact it's a lot easier.

Cloudylemons Wed 09-Nov-16 17:34:33

Thank you. I do actually feel sick just thinking about it!

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