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Am I being ridiculous?(18 Posts)
I'm new to mumsnet and have been looking for a similar forum for a few months now! Please bare with me whilst I get to grips with the site
I was looking for some advice/insight as I know most of you have children (I don't) and may be able to make me see things i'm maybe missing?
I'm in a new relationship with a guy who absolutely treats me like an angel. I've not had that before so I currently feel very lucky, he is everything I could ask for. I have no children, he has one little girl who is two who i'm yet to meet.
There's one thing bothering me and i'm not sure if i'm being over the top due to previous trust issues but it's making me feel uneasy. My OH talks to his daughter's mum rather a lot. Yesterday he said she called four times and she was texting around 11.30pm, now I appreciate they must talk but every time we go for dinner they're texting. Now I know it is only about their daughter, I trust him but I find it a little excessive. Again, i'm not sure if this is because I have no children and don't have that experience. Previous ex's had children and they'd discuss times to pick up the little one ect. A regular check up with each other a few times a week I was fine with... I don't want to come across as needy/controlling because I am absolutely fine with them talking - I have to be!
Please feel free to tell me i'm being ridiculous or offer advice
It's difficult to gauge really. It seems excessive to me, there shouldn't really be a need when you are at dinner etc. and I would find that lacking in respect for you if he can't give you his attention.
Playing devils advocate, they may just get on really well and it may be little anecdotes about the DD. But I go back to respecting you and not doing it all of the time he is with you.
Whats Excessive for one, might not be for the other.
Your DP and his Ex have obviously decided that this is the level of contact that works for them both in having a happy relationship for the sake of their DC.
You and he have only been together a few months, are still not stable enough to have met his DC so to be honest i can't really imagine your opinion would be welcomed at the moment. Sit back, Enjoy your relationship and see how it progresses.
I am with you OP, it does seem excessive to me. Whilst your relationship may be relatively new, I don't think they will change, even if your relationship goes long-term as that is the modus operandi they have established. I have had a number of relationships with divorced men with children and there might be a bit of texting to make arrangements or update etc but certainly nothing like you are experiencing and 11.30pm seems pretty late other than in an emergency. Can you see yourself being comfortable with all this in a year or two years' time?
I would find it rude if my partner was texting anyone whilst we were out for dinner actually (again save in an emergency).
The whole thing just would put me off even if a bloke was great, all that texting and communication all the time!
It won't change. This is what all your birthdays and christmases and special occasions will be like. 3 of you on the date.
I've been there.
If it's a problem for you now think long and hard caus it will never go away.
Thank you for your responses already.
At the moment, i'm just trying to ignore it but I can feel it starting to annoy me more each night. I know there is nothing in it with them two anymore so I don't have to worry about that it's just the constant communication. He tells me all the messages, says he's spoken to her and is generally very open.
Sorry if this is TMI but last night we were having sex and his phone went off and it was her! It's off putting and i'm normally not bothered by this sort of things. I just find it a little annoying when we're out for dinner and every single time, at some point, they text. If it's an emergency, fine, I appreciate that.
I have to bring it up at some point, before I snap (I don't want it to get to that point, it doesn't need to be addressed in that way) but it's a sensitive subject and I don't want to come across in the wrong way...
Get him to at least turn phone off during intimate moments!
There is no reason to be glued to it 24/7 surely.!!
What is their correspondence about? Is there a crisis? If not, I would think it a bit odd to be texting at 11:30 at night. What is the talk about.... I think that is the crux of the matter.
Also, just to reassure you, if he wanted to be with her, he would be. He isn't - he's with you. Did he leave her and does she need reassurance? What's the deal?
There's no crisis. She will send him photos of the little one and videos. They'll arrange when they're collecting/picking up. Yesterday, he told me she called four times in the day... it is literally just about the little girl. Last night it was pictures of his daughter.
They split when she was one they were arguing constantly and split amicably. She knows he's with someone else but doesn't know exactly who I am. I think if it was me in that situation I'd have a little more consideration knowing he is more than likely with his new girlfriend at night!
Tell him how you are feeling !! It may be that she really does need his constant advice, maybe she knows he is going out with someone and wants to derail it? Maybe he feels he HAS to respond or she will stop him seeing his daughter. Maybe hes still with her and telling her hes away on business when hes with you?
Unless you ask you wont find out!
Good luck x
Blobby I think you have a point - maybe she needs reassurance about parenting. I can't think of any other explanation. Maybe she's just wanting him to be involved in her life as much as possible which is great. It doesn't warrant all these phone calls/texts... I'm going to have to bring it up it's just a difficult conversation starter!
I have no worries about him being unfaithful, he is with me every night except when he has her over night at his mums. In which I get regular texts and phone calls then and hell often pop over when she's asleep (when his mums in obviously!) and she saw us out together a few weeks ago. X
I think regardless of who he is texting/talking to that unless it's an emergency if you are out for a meal or doing something together that it is rude to ignore you and be glued to a phone.
I'm not saying if you spend the day together watching netflix he can't have his phone, but during meal times, intimate times or certain activities where his attention should be focused on you and your conversation it's rude to start texting someone else.
Maybe mention it from that point? Could he put his phone on silent and ignore it sometimes?
Normally, I think in these situations get a hard time but, on this occasion I think she may be stirring up trouble.
As others have posted, there should be no need to text that late unless it was an emergency.
He needs to turn his phone off more option as well
I do think it's quite excessive and I'd be annoyed if it was going on when out for meals etc but having a good relationship with the mother of your child is great and it means he gets to be more a part of his child's life than a lot of parents who aren't main carers of their children.
I have a great relationship with my DDs dad. We call/text often...maybe not so excessively as your DP.... not always about our dd either. I've helped him with issues he's had. I've taken him to the drs when he's needed some support, I took him to see his nan in hospital when she found out she had cancer. We're great friends and it means a lot to me and even more to our dd.
I have a DP that I love with all my heart and I have no feeling for my ex in that way. My DP is fine with this relationship and often comes with me to exs house for dinner/bbqs etc.
Talk to him about it. Tell him that you think it's great that they have such a good relationship and it's wonderful for their child but could he maybe cut down the amount of calls and texts when he's with you?
You may find that once she's met you she may start to cut the amount herself anyway.
It seems a tad excessive, but if they are getting along so well that's a great achievement in the interest of DC. He probably won't want to jeopardize this because of your anxiety. You could ask that phones be off during dinner/sex, but I think asking him to stop talking to his ex so much generally isn't going to end well for you. By the sounds of it you're going to have to make friends with the ex if you hang around so really don't do anything to mess that up so early on.
These threads generally annoy me when the contact with the ex is absolutely not affecting the life of the OP at all (such as 'long drop offs', or suspected texting) whereas this one does seem to have a basis of actually happening at times that are inappropriate and invasive.
I think to bring it up would work better in a sympathetic way - yes, is she struggling with DD? Is she in fact finding it hard to let him go? He likely doesn't want to be the Bad Guy and ignore her, so as time has gone on it's kind of got a little out of control.
Firstly it is good it's just about the DD. Secondly I think you do need to ask he puts his phone on silent or airplane mode during dinner or during sex and this is something you could both do. You can tell him how you feel but I am not sure of how he will react - he might not want to feel in the middle and be a bit cowardly about putting in boundaries. It might not bother him.
Also some of the reasons people get really gone over for on these threads is not understanding the strong parent bond that can happen. It sounds like you do, just tread carefully with it that's all
No need for them to be talking as much as that, and him doing it whilst out with dinner with you and having sex is completely not on, you need to tell him now before this becomes your norm, so what, they have a little girl together, doesn't mean she can text at 11.30pm or whatever, they are both disrespecting you imo.
I would be royally pissed off if during dinner my new BF was texting ANYONE, frankly.
It's rude. Emergencies are different of course. But with run of the mill stuff he should not be on his phone surely? Basic manners.
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