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DEAD END MARRIAGE - HE WON'T SHAG ME!

(23 Posts)
geordiegeorgie Wed 09-Nov-16 01:20:12

The headline is gimmicky, but I'm crying as I type. In summary:
* together 10 years
* married 5
* never been interested in sex
* I knew this and still married him (my fault)
* lovely man. Never hit me. Intelligent. Funny.
* 2 kids: 4 and 2.
* 100% grateful the kids have a WONDERFUL father. Perfect.
* shit marriage.no bond. No desire.
* wonder if he's gay / asexual.
* my heart HURTS. Being undesired for 10 years

BubbleGumBubble Wed 09-Nov-16 01:26:44

Relate maybe?

BubbleGumBubble Wed 09-Nov-16 01:29:48

Erm OP where is your 3rd child?

Forme2016 Wed 09-Nov-16 09:49:22

OP sorry you're in this situation, I can relate to how you're feeling. I also married knowing that our sex life wasn't how a young married couples should be. Time passed, sex maybe 1-2 times a year, somehow conceived two wonderful DC. Because of them I ignored the lack of intimacy and we did have a lot of happy times.
Fast forward 17 years of marriage (24 yrs together) to this May. My husband decided that sex is important to him after all and decided to leave me and DC to pursue his new found libido with a work colleague 10 years younger.
I now regret that I underestimated the importance of sex in a marriage and convinced myself that as other things were good I could live without that element.
It's the difference between friends and true married partners I think. Counselling may help you, I hope it does, but based on my experience I now think that if two people don't have the basic desire for each other you cant recreate it and things are not going to end happily.
Sorry not to offer any advice on how to resolve but one thing I didn't do enough was tell him how much it hurt me that he didn't want me. Does your DH know how you're feeling?

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Wed 09-Nov-16 09:52:14

You shouldn't be grateful he hasn't hit you and list it as a bonus!

It's not what I'd want in a partnership and if it's gone on this long I doubt it'll change now.

He can still be a great dad even if you live apart.

AntiqueSinger Wed 09-Nov-16 10:17:28

I agree with Forme. Explain how rejected you're feeling and maybe discuss options. Would he mind I you got sex elsewhere? I not, what is he willing to do about the situation? I know it's intimacy with sex you probably want, which would entail leaving this marriage and finding someone else who is happy to give you his body as well as his heart. That is a difficult decision though, hence my suggestion you have a frank conversation about it. Don't leave it another 5 years.

AntiqueSinger Wed 09-Nov-16 10:18:12

f key not working wellgrin

SandyY2K Wed 09-Nov-16 11:39:16

Is he asexual?

Low testosterone?

Would he be accepting of an open marriage?

I have to say that nothing has changed. You knew the score? Why didn't it bother you then, but does now?

idontlikealdi Wed 09-Nov-16 11:43:26

Just because he doesn't hit you doesn't make him a lovely man!

TheRealBarenziah Wed 09-Nov-16 13:57:15

I had a husband like this (no interest in sex). I ended up having an affair and leaving. I regret that I didn't have the integrity to leave my DH before starting a new relationship (though I told him fairly early on, and he initially accepted the idea of an open relationship).

If you and DH want to make the marriage work, get some counselling. If one or both of you isn't prepared to engage with counselling because you've already mentally checked out of the marriage, then the marriage is probably over in all but name.

brodchengretchen Wed 09-Nov-16 14:12:57

Stop blaming yourself for this problem and start holding DH to account.

Btw, I lasted half the time you have. Wasted, wasted years.

user1478700534 Wed 09-Nov-16 14:13:33

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Maudlinmaud Wed 09-Nov-16 14:16:08

That is a disgusting comment user..

Sparkesx Wed 09-Nov-16 15:43:22

I'd firstly be open and honest with him. He may wonder why after ten years you're bringing it up but you absolutely should.

Possibility of open marriage was a good suggestion?

I know it isn't the same but it helps a little - have you tried sex toys? They relieve the feelings sometimes!

X

Vagabond Wed 09-Nov-16 15:54:44

Are you attracted to him?

He won't shag you, when you make advances?

Are you fine apart from that?

shovetheholly Wed 09-Nov-16 15:59:20

This sounds like the perfect relationship... for a separation. He is sane and kind, and you can go your separate ways and coparent amicably without the kids losing an amazing father. You can then pursue your happiness with someone who has more compatible desires to you.

Why on earth would you not do this? You have everything to gain, it seems to me.

TheNaze73 Wed 09-Nov-16 16:08:00

Was he every been interested in sex with other partners?

Is there a hidden agenda you might not be aware of, such as vanilla sex not doing it for him etc etc?

Either way, you need to get out for own sanity. The itch will just get worse.

HazelBite Wed 09-Nov-16 16:48:04

I left my first husband after 14 months for this very reason I felt completely undesirable, I really couldn't have gone on any longer I was in my early 20's.
I think you have given the relationship a really good try!
Tell him, don't suffer in silence.
flowers

Kelsar Wed 09-Nov-16 16:51:04

Can I ask what has prompted you to ask whether he is gay or asexual??

user1471535250 Wed 09-Nov-16 16:52:17

..forget the sex- is he intimate and loving with you? These are the most important things in a harmonious relationship. The s word is usually just a handy tag for what's really a lack of hugs, kiss's etc.

McBassyPants Wed 09-Nov-16 17:58:57

This post is duplicated elsewhere?

LellyMcKelly Thu 10-Nov-16 03:40:04

This is exactly what happened to me. Eventually (20 years later) he told me he was gay, by which time my self esteem was all but destroyed. Luckily I met someone else who fancies me like mad. I've had more sex (a LOT more)in the last 16 months than the last 20 years. And I'm so much happier. It impacts on every part of my life. I'm better tempered, more relaxed, sleep better, don't snap at the kids so much, worry less and just find getting through the day easier because there's going to be sex, or cuddling, or a back rub at the end of it. It's not just the sex that's important. It's the intimacy that goes with a loving relationship that provides warmth and comfort. You need to have the discussion with him, but don't go through a sexless marriage if you don't want to. Don't wait 20 years.

Kelsar Sat 12-Nov-16 11:40:57

I think you may need to sit down with him and explained exactly how you feel, how it was at the beginning, how to progressed and how it is now and EXACTLY how you feel.... good nothing back. He needs to know who. No one can make a decision not knowing everything.
This may have already been asked but do you have any other forms of intimacy ??
Asking him whether he would be okay with you sleeping with others might be a question to ask, see how he reacts?

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