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How do I stay married to an addict?

(18 Posts)
looking4answers2 Tue 08-Nov-16 23:59:01

DH is addicted to X (not saying for fear it will out me. It's not sex addiction!)

He will not admit it and therefore will not help himself. He is self destructive. He thinks he is perfectly reasonable and the rest of us are unreasonable for not seeing the world how he sees it when it comes to X. In 24 hours he can change his mind five times about X. It can go from "this is killing me. I am broken, help me feel better." to "I'm going to do it again."

I try and rescue him. He tells me he "just wants to me with me and the kids." I create lovely family days, at his request, when the kids hug him and we all make him feel good, then I feel massively betrayed when that evening he will arise, refreshed, reinvigorated by our love, and will disappear and go back to X.

I don't want to divorce or to leave him. I want to stay married. Most of the destructiveness he keeps to himself. But I don't know what to say to him.

What do you say to an addict to make them realise they are an addict?

SortAllTheThings Wed 09-Nov-16 00:01:59

You can't make an addict realise anything, they have to come to it by themselves.

But, you might get more useful advise if you could say what he's addicted to.

Wolfiefan Wed 09-Nov-16 00:02:42

He won't admit it. You can't make him do so. You can't rescue him. Sorry. You need to make your kids your priority. If he can kick
The addiction he can come home.

MatildaTheCat Wed 09-Nov-16 12:35:30

If you want to stay married are you prepared to have X dominating your life forever? If so there is nothing to do except stay married. You can offer your support but I'm guessing you have tried that.

Otherwise you take a risk and tell him to move out, get help and you will reconsider when he is clean. X will never go away but it doesn't have to have a part in your daily life.

You have DC to consider and the current and future impact X has on them? Don't delude yourself, how does it affect them and you? I've no doubt many families jog along or rather lurch along between crises but I doubt many children are unscathed. And you deserve a happy and decent life, too.

You married dh not dh and X but you clearly have 3 in your marriage. Up to you if that's really ok.

adora1 Wed 09-Nov-16 13:16:32

You would probably find if you actually showed him you are not willing to tolerate this crap treatment and leave, he might actually wake up and do something about it, nothing will change unless you make it happen, he won't, he sounds pretty content with his strange way of life.

Costacoffeeplease Wed 09-Nov-16 13:21:44

Why do you want to stay married to an addict? Are you happy for him to choose his addiction over you and your family, for the rest of your life? Spend money/time on it, possibly risk losing his job depending on what it is?

You know you're on a hiding to nothing here

Pestilence13610 Wed 09-Nov-16 13:31:23

How do I stay married to an addict? Simple carry on as you are now and enable him
OR
Draw a line and if he crosses it separate. Give sensible time frame (two years or so) if addiction is under control by then you will reconsider.
Addictions are harsh and destructive.
You can't change him, he has to change him, it will never totally go away, addictions hide in the closet waiting to catch you at a weak moment.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 09-Nov-16 13:41:10

You have clearly not learnt the harsh lesson that you cannot act as either a rescuer or saviour in any relationship. What you have also tried to date has not worked.

You still get something out of this and that is why you stay; your own innate codependent needs are being met here. You want to be needed and wanted.

I have to look at you as well because you're enabling this to rumble on.
Which one of your parents taught you that you had to be a rescuer and be codependent?.

Your children and you are, and furthermore will be, dragged down with him now if you continue to remain married to him. Is this really what you want to teach your children about relationships; for them to become rescuers as well?. Its no legacy to leave them and they are not going to say thanks mum to you for doing that to them. They will call you daft and accuse you of putting him before them, you are really putting your own relationship with your children at great risk here going forward because they will not want to know you.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 09-Nov-16 13:41:49

The 3cs

You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

skilledintheartofnothing Wed 09-Nov-16 14:02:18

If you want to stay married then carry on doing what you are now and accept that X will always be put first. Accept that no matter what you do, how much love you and your children show it wont drive X out of the picture
You also need to look to the future, is this how you want your life to be? is this the picture of a happy family you want your kids to think is normal.
Can you be honest with your kids or will you forever be hiding evidence from them?

It would also help to know if this is a physical or mental addiction.

Its clear your husband needs help, but he needs to want it, you, your life, your kids more than X. its not something you can force.

P1nkP0ppy Wed 09-Nov-16 14:13:41

By staying you're facilitating his addiction; what's he got to lose by continuing? Absolutely nothing.

If he doesn't want to change there's bugger all you can do about it, so you either continue the status quo or leave.

Sooner or later your DCs are going to twig what he's up to, what will you do then? How will you explain why you have condoned by staying with him? How do you stop them thinking this is nor All?

PoldarksBreeches Wed 09-Nov-16 14:30:43

greatoaksrecovery.com/enabling-behavior-and-codependency/

OzzieFem Wed 09-Nov-16 16:49:30

He already knows he's addicted to X - "this is killing me."

Christinayangstwistedsista Wed 09-Nov-16 17:45:25

You don't

You tell him to go so that he can be with the real love of his life...x

Sweets101 Wed 09-Nov-16 17:50:37

If you want to stay married to him you'll just have to accept that this is how life will be for you and DC.
It will effect both them and yourself, but obviously you have decided staying married is more important. So what you need to do is accept, and impress upon your DC, that X is more important than you or them.
Good luck with that.

AnyFucker Wed 09-Nov-16 17:54:07

Put up or shut up

Incidentally, unless "X" is an addiction to scraping his nob with a cheese grater this thread is unlikely to be identifying. Addiction is pretty commonplace really.

legotits Wed 09-Nov-16 17:54:48

Are you OK with X having so much influence over your life?

Whatever X is, until DH admits it or, even if he quits it, will have an impact on all of you.

What's the worst that can happen with X? Death? Financial ruin?

gininteacupsandleavesonthelawn Wed 09-Nov-16 17:57:22

I think it depends on what X is really. My ex (DDs dad) is a gambling addict, he's been in recovery since I left him 3 years ago and he hit rock bottom. I couldn't live with it. The lies, the selfishness, the potential that my life could come crashing down tomorrow regardless of how long he was in recovery. He's a great guy, I adore him but I couldn't be with him. I lasted 9 years.

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