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Scared of him hurting the children if we split?

(20 Posts)
EllieTheExasperated Tue 08-Nov-16 23:57:02

Yes me again.

My partner has previously been emotionally abusive and mn has helped me realise this (I'd never heard of a red flag!)

I have theirs to leave before and he has threatened suicide. He is extremely paranoid and jealous despite me never having done anything to damage his trust.

I'll cut to the chase. I think he knows I'm nearing the end of my tether. He is getting increasingly cold and angry.

He hasn't said he will hurt them, or me. But my gut is screaming at me for some reason.

I have treys to split up/get alone time before and he had threatened to kill himself and says he would have nothing left.

M0stlyHet Wed 09-Nov-16 00:05:24

Hopefully someone will be along to offer useful advice soon, but I didn't want to leave you unanswered. flowers

Women's Aid number: 0808 2000 247

Any chance you could get you and your children safely to a relative's, or to a hostel?

Amandahugandkisses Wed 09-Nov-16 00:11:19

Omg your gut is screaming at you.
Get away. Get to woman's aid just get away from him.

ikeawrappingpaper Wed 09-Nov-16 00:17:36

Trust your gut. Phone WA tonight if you can, or tomorrow if he's out in the day. Find out if there are any local women's charities that you can contact for help. Domestic violence ones. Having read your other thread, he is controlling and coercive - and coercive control is now against the law and is recognised as a type of domestic violence, so they will help you. flowers

EllieTheExasperated Wed 09-Nov-16 09:25:18

I'm safe at the moment, at my mums with the children.

His mum has called me.

Screaming and ranting that he will kill himself, that I need to sort out every other week contact now. That he had never hurt me, I'm psychotic and I can't stop th having the children.

I'm so terrified. He has never physically hurt me but he and his family are awful drunks, I have had to shield the children from it as best I can. How can I when I'm not there?!

Dd is four and diagnosed autistic, they don't give any consideration to her routines and try to emotionally blackmail her.

Ds is only six months and exclusively breastfed.

I will call women's aid but I'm a bit worried they will laugh at me because he has never hurt me.

jayisforjessica Wed 09-Nov-16 09:34:40

There don't have to be bruises for it to count as "hurt".

FuzzyClutter Wed 09-Nov-16 09:43:36

So sorry you are in this situation. Yes the law does favour fathers having rights to access in pretty much all circumstances. And unless you have pretty compelling evidence against him, that's what will happen. It's really shit.

I was in a 2.5 year battle with my ex over contact and in the end he got zero contact and his PR discharged. Mine was a very extreme case, but it was all emotional abuse, I'm not sure what has happened to you as I've not seen your other threads, but EA is considered as serious as physical abuse. I had a shit load of evidence against him, but for a long time I was being told that he would get contact, although it would be supervised. Luckily that didn't happen.

sarahnova69 Wed 09-Nov-16 10:01:52

Womens Aid will not laugh at you, I promise. He has been emotionally violent to you - which is at least as damaging as physical violence. Trust your gut too - it's been proven that a woman's gut feeling is the best predictor of violence, better than any diagnostic or "expert judgement".

Please stay where you are with the kids. Don't answer the phone to him or his family. Does your mum support you?

Blobby10 Wed 09-Nov-16 10:15:30

Ellie - if he commits suicide that IS NOT YOUR FAULT whatever his mother says. He is an adult and therefore holds responsibility for his own welfare.

Your responsibility is to you and your children and you need to get them out of that toxic environment asap.

Wiser people than I, especially those who have been through this (I cant even begin to imagine what its like) will give advice. PLEASE listen to them. No one will laugh at you - your fear is genuine - please get help

bibliomania Wed 09-Nov-16 12:01:35

- Trust your gut.
- Get together all the evidence you have.
- Talk to WA - they won't laugh. Also check local services, eg. IDAS.
- It's fine not to immediately allow contact. If he's made suicide threats, you can validly offer contact in a contact centre only. If he wants more, he will have to take you to court. At least this gives you a forum to express your fears.

ikeawrappingpaper Wed 09-Nov-16 12:26:18

I also thought WA would laugh at me, or at least see me as a time waster. They didn't. They will do whatever they can to help and will signpost you to local organisations who can help.

EA is I believe seen as more damaging in the long term than physical abuse. It is also against the law and you can go to the police about it. They will also not laugh at you, they take these things seriously. Look up 'coercive control' to read about the law that came into effect at the end of Dec 2015.

As bibliomania says, f you have any evidence, a diary, emails or text messages keep them safe. You can use these if he does go to court to request contact. Keep strong. You've done the right thing to leave. flowers

PilkoPumpPants Wed 09-Nov-16 12:31:39

He won't kill himself, that would make things to easy for you which he doesn't want. It's to scare you. Ignore it.

Don't go back to that house and go through the courts to make sure he won't be alone with the children if your sure his a risk to them. Save all the nasty texts he and his family have sent you, try to record his mother on the phone as well. This will give you a lot of power in court to back your story up.

Good luckflowers

furryminkymoo Wed 09-Nov-16 12:34:29

You are a strong woman, you are doing the right thing. Make that your mantra.

You don't need to engage with your MIL or "D"H about future custody arrangements, seriously you need to catch your breath and sort out practical arrangements. Next time you speak to her and she starts ranting just disengage, tell her that its her son that you will be having those conversations with, re suicide threats, tell her that he is a grown man, you are not in charge of him.

As bibliomania has said if he has made suicide treats then its contact with another relative (would your Mum do this?) or contact centre, it doesn't need to be immediate. Let him rant and rave, document everything. Document what his mum is saying too. Any threats then log with the police.

You have the army of Mumsnet behind you Ellie.

EllieTheExasperated Wed 09-Nov-16 12:59:17

I have some messages that I could use as evidence I think.

I'm really anxious and second guessing myself. I feel like I've been stupid and my mum says I will have no control over what happens to the children when he has them now.

Fuck.

As soon as dd goes to nursery I'm calling that women's aid number.

EllieTheExasperated Wed 09-Nov-16 13:00:06

I just feel so helpless, that I can't protect them because it's 'only' emotional abuse.

Poor dsd too sad

ikeawrappingpaper Wed 09-Nov-16 14:49:09

That's a really unhelpful thing for your mum to say. You have not been stupid, and in leaving you ensure that your children are not brought up in a toxic environment thinking that is normal.
Yes, in all likelihood he will get contact, and yes, you cannot control what he does or says during that time, but you are and will prevent them from seeing you being treated like shit, and while they are with you you can show them how normal human beings behave. That is powerful, and you have that power.

Btw, I have found the best time of day to get through to WA is mid-late evening. Don't be disheartened if you can't get through during the day - try them again later. When you speak to them tell them everything, don't minimise however tempting it will probably be to do that.

bibliomania Wed 09-Nov-16 15:39:42

I agree with ikea. Don't try to look too far ahead - just take one step at a time. Figure out how to keep yourself and the dcs safe for now. You don't have to work out all the long-term stuff right here and now.

There are various possible outcomes:

- he could disappear off with a new woman and lose interest
- he could calm down and bit by bit, trust might start building up between you, and okay contact might become possible.
- you could end up in a legal dispute about contact. The court will appoint a social worker through CAFCASS to interview both of you and the dcs, if old enough. They will make recommendations. This is not always an ideal process, but as someone who has been through it, I found it was fairly okay. It can take time, which is not always a bad thing - with enough time, your ex might lose interest or might calm down.

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Bit by bit, you can put things in place.

VestalVirgin Wed 09-Nov-16 22:24:19

Stay safe!
You say his family are awful drunks - are they alcoholics? That should be significant in court.

Regarding his suicide threats, that's just blackmail, and I have only this to say to that: www.youtube.com/watch?v=IvNtaCFe_KE

Hidingtonothing Thu 10-Nov-16 06:39:09

Firstly, your position isn't less strong because it's 'only' emotional abuse, with the new laws you still have protection. What pp's have advised re documenting further abuse, from him or his family, is vital, also any evidence of alcohol abuse by him or his family.

Your aim is to build a case for supervised contact only, and not supervised by his family either, that's the best, most realistic way to keep your DC safe. You absolutely mustn't ignore your gut feeling but your best line of defence now is to gather enough evidence to support your case for him not to have the DC unsupervised.

Refuse contact for now, respond the same way to any and all requests for contact, that you feel it's in DC's best interests to have a formal arrangement in place first. Don't get into any discussions about it, just repeat that statement and record the abuse that will surely follow, it will all help your case. Is he on the DC's birth certificates and is there any chance he might try to take DD from nursery? That's the first thing you need to address with WA if so, there are things you can put in place to stop him.

Stay put at your mums for now, contact WA asap, there is a function here www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/ to search for services in your area if you struggle to get through to the national number, just scroll down and you can enter your location and contact local services direct.

Ignore suicide threats, emotional blackmail etc, you are only responsible for your own actions and the safety of your DC, what he does is on his head, no one else's. If he was a serious suicide risk he wouldn't threaten, he would just go and quietly do it, its a tool to manipulate you with, nothing more.

Stay strong OP and listen to your gut, your DC are lucky to have a mum like you flowers

ikeawrappingpaper Thu 10-Nov-16 07:09:49

How are you doing Ellie?

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