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my family don't care about me(10 Posts)
Hi just looking for some advice with my situation, so i moved about a half hour drive away from my family (mum, dad, 2 sisters). I moved here with my husband this is his home town. We now have 2 kids. He works 12 every week day. Since i moved here i feel so lonely and i feel like my family don't care about me. My mum makes a difference in my kids and my sisters kids. She watches their kids all the time but if i ever ask her to watch mine she comes up with every excuse going. I don't have anyone here i can ask, my husbands mum doesn't keep well so she's not able for the kids. I know i decided to have children and its not anyone else's responsibility to watch them but my husband and i would love jusr an odd nite to ourselfs to maybe go for a meal or something. My mum can be bitchy at times Sometimes when i go to visit her she'll make a point of telling me that my sister is buying a second house or my other sister paid "x" amount of money for something.she's always been very money orientated. She knows we're really struggling financially at the min. I lost my job last year then i got pregnant so haven't been able to get another job yet. My husband works full time so we're getting by on his wages. Im in the process of trying to set up a small business from home. If i bring my baby and my 6 year old son to her house she'll be all over the baby and will totally ignore my son (knowing this annoys me) she'll try to scold my son all the time which really annoys me cos i just think she has no right, she doesn't do anything for him so she has no right to chastise him. Sometimes i feel like because i have nothing to offer her anymore (money wise) she's not interested in me. I've never got on with my dad. He was emotionally abusive when we were growing up, both to me, my sisters and my mum. This has really affected me and as a result my self esteem is at zero! This holds me back when trying to make new friends, which is something that i would love to do in this area i live in. Then maybe i wouldn't have to rely on my family so much. My two sisters get on well with my dad, im the oldest so i remember more things than them. My sisters hardly bother with me either, its always me ringing them or arranging get togethers. They make plans all the time without consulting me or even asking if it suits me. For example i was in my mums yesterday and my sister announced they'd booked a table at the weekend for my mums 60th and it was at 6:00. My daughter doesn't go to bed till 7 so i wouldn't get down till after that and they know that. Id just like to be asked sometimes if their plans suit me but its as if my opinion don't matter. I've had all this out with my mum a few times but it just ends up with us falling out. She can't take any kind of criticism at all. Im thinking about just cutting my ties with the lot of them but when I've done that before im so loney here every day when my husbands at work and I've no where to go. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance
Gosh they don't sound very nice.
You need to find an alternative support network ask your health visitor about local baby groups etc so that you are out and about meeting people. Are there any other old friends with it being your home town that you could reconnect with.
I think you just have to reduce expectations of them to absolute zero.
If you want to go to the 60th then either dh stays home and looks after the kids or you all go and take the kids. But if you don't want to go, then don't.
I feel like just saying no im not going but then id be cutting off my nose to spite my face..cos i do actually want to go. But im not going without my husband so that means we'd have to get baby sleeping first then try to find a sitter to come in. I don't know if id be in to going to baby clubs..like i said my self confidence is at zero and i just really struggle with meeting new people. I think i have social phobia. Im aware that kind of attitude won't help me but i just find it so hard to get out of this mindset.
I would post too on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages.
I would also consider seeing a counsellor to talk about your dysfunctional family of origin. BACP are good and do not charge the earth and they could also help you rebuild your low self worth.
It is not your fault they are like this and you did not make them that way. It seems that your mother has made you the scapegoat for her inherent ills. She has stayed with her emotionally abusive H for her own reasons. People like your parents never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. You certainly come across as being the least favoured sibling in that family unit.
I also do not like the way she treats your children; she is doing the same to them as was done to you and your sisters when growing up. It is unfair of her to ignore your eldest at your youngest child's expense; this could also cause their relationship to become damaged. Sitters are a good babysitting agency to use (I used them for many years because my parents also were similarly unreliable and disinclined to do anything for anybody else).
Thanks for your advice, i was actually in with my doctor today and she put me on a low dose of antidepressants. She said maybe my state of mind is clouding my judgement but i honestly don't think its that. Ill give them a go anyway to see if they make me feel better. I wish i could ring my mum up and tell her how lonely and sad i am but i know she would tell me to get a grip and that she brought us up on her own with no help from my dad (he was useless like that, never changed a nappy in his life). But the thing is she wasn't on her own we lived next door to my aunt ( my mums twin) growing up and our house was never empty. I feel like i have no support network apart from my husband. Everyone needs adult conversation
How do i find that thread u mentioned? Sorry im new to this forum
At this time its near the bottom of the Relationships page.
I wonder if you miss the buzz of living in a busy active house with many people around the house.?
I remember feeling the same about my family.
I was always the runt; my opinion (or needs or wants) completely irrelevant. Blamed for everything. etc etc. That's because I was the family scapegoat.
It took a long time and a lot of therapy but I now don't see them. It is bliss. The last time I saw them was at a family wedding. I went to the wedding but not the reception. What joy I felt that I was free to go home.
Plenty of us were given the role of family scapegoat. Nothing to do with us, ALL to do with the family. It takes a lot of getting over. Do take Attila's advice and start on some therapy - preferably through eg BACP, where you will find therapists in your local area. Most offer a sliding fee scale, just ask. If funds are a problem then look at eg women's organisations to get low-cost therapy; ask your GP for advice about therapy at low cost. Don't think you can't afford therapy - with situations like ours it's an absolute essential. These days NHS MH is extremely poorly funded so I'd not bother with that (though some on here have found it helpful). You're also going to need a lot longer than the 6 weeks the NHS offers - which, imo, does more harm than good. I had years of therapy - I needed it.
Read eg Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. Lots of other books on the subject out there. Google toxic families etc. Many of us, a whole community, have experienced what you are experiencing and found a way through - you just have to dig for the info and support.
You need your family like a hole in the head is the bottom line. xx
That said, I do see my parents - who are very old now. It's taken a long time of low- to very low contact. Basically, what I could cope with, or was prepared to expose myself to. I started building my own life - with significant handicaps to begin with. But who wouldn't be in a mess with families like ours. Therapy will help you to take steps to reclaim your life.
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