Gran and Gran daughter vs Mother-Daughter

[Ilovemytwins]

Hi Everyone,
I will try to keep this as short as I can, but it spans years! So here goes........
I am lucky enough at 32 to have both sets of Grandparents still alive. One set (my dad's) have been very close with me since I was around 3. My mum and me have never been close, and I am sad that all my childhood memories involve my dad, Gran and Grandad. My mum was never involved, she never showed love and she didn't join in family fun. Her own mum was like this with her.
When I got engaged in 2003 she made me cry, she wouldn't look at my ring and was quite horrible even though my dad and the rest of the family were happy. It's like she has an emotional block? Her own mother was like this with her, so I can't understand why she would treat her own daughters like this.
She didn't get involved with the wedding, but I had my gran with me. She helped pick my dress and flowers as my mum didn't want to know. I would be lost without my Gran. Fast forward again, my husband has Muscular Dystrophy and we needed ivf 6.5 years of ivf/iui/icsi. My dad, Gran and Grandad were the only ones to visit the clinic. I got pregnant with twins, when they were born and my mum was a Nanna for the 1st time and all she could focus on was the fact that my 1st born had my Grans name as a middle name. I waited 6.5 years for that moment and that's all she could say? I feel so hurt, she's never stepped up. I don't get if her mother treated her like this how she can do it to me. She's my mum! I couldn't do it to my daughters, they are my life. If I didn't have my gran I wouldn't be here now. I am scared about when I loose her, she's 76 and my best friend. My mum treats my sister and her daughter different and her baby to be. Because she isn't close to my gran, but she is to my mums mum. I am finding it quite upsetting, my mum is great at getting stuff for my twins. If they need calpol etc, but it's the emotional side I want and need. I am having councilling soon, but it effects me. All I wanted was my mum to love me. How do I move on!
Please be kind, it's a difficult subject for me.

[ravenmum]

Do you think your mum could be jealous? Or could she be convinced that other people don't like her? (My mother has low self esteem and constantly reads innocent comments as being a sign that others hate her - basically as she doesn't like herself. ) Whatever her issues are, they are hers.

Sounds like you are on the right track with the counselling. I found it really helpful. You are not going to change your mum but you can learn to deal with a disappointing relationship if you can work out where it might be coming from. And it is great that you have a positive relationship with your gran.

[Ilovemytwins]

Thanks ravenmum, I think she is both. I don't get how she can be jealous when it's her that's brought it on. I hope the councilling helps me move on.

[ravenmum]

When you're very anxious and full of self-hatred it can give you some very funny thoughts that occupy so much of your headspace there is no room for logical reasoning! I think my mother is a little frightened of me as she thinks I have my act together and am about to show her up as the nasty idiot she believes herself to be, if you see what I mean. In her case that means she keeps her distance as she doesn't want to bother me - as a result, I get more help and support from my distant aunty and once-hated stepmother when I have a problem.

Unfortunately I think it can get passed down - my maternal grandparents never had any examples of good parenting, so they were not great parenting examples to my mum either. Maybe your mum also had a rubbishy upbringing? I'd bet she could do with some counselling herself.

We all bring our flaws into parenthood but fortunately it is possible to break or at least change the mould, especially if one parent is less damaged. Or differently damaged! :)

[ElspethFlashman]

Well the good news is that 76 is pretty young for a woman if they have no chronic health conditions. She could literally live another 20 years. My DHs gran lived to 96 and she did nothing special to warrant it.

Your Gran is your 2nd mum, and your nicer mum. If she gives you solace and comfort, I'd spend as much time with her as possible, even if your Mum gets snotty about it. Make your choice.

[Ilovemytwins]

Thankyou ravenmum and ElspethFlashman, I would be lost without my Gran. I see her every day, we are off to see Bridget Jones on Thursday .
My mum would definitely benefit from councilling as well, she has had problems with her mum for years. But I know she wouldn't go.

[MatildaTheCat]

We are all the product of our parents to some extent. Your DM had a cold relationsghip with her DM and is the same with you. She is able to be practical so can you focus on that strength? Possibly over time you can gain closeness over your babies if you can use practical strategies rather than emotional ones. Might she help you play with them, take them out or similar? Most people enjoy these activities.

Your GM is more emotionally like you which is great. I'm a bit concerned that she is your best friend, though. She will become older and frailer and you may not be able to have her support as much. Do seek that counselling and explore your feelings. My own mother isn't very emotional although she was good with my babies on a practical level. My dh isn't emotional but is practical. My friends offer emotional support.

It is hard if you expect a mother to be something more than she can be but look for ways you can connect and play to the strengths of those around you. Your DM might really welcome more closeness but isn't able to express it especially if she feels she is competing with DGM who is more able to be what you crave.

[ravenmum]

Your mum must have been young when she had you, and you married fairly young too, by modern standards - maybe she was also a bit doom and gloom about you following in her footsteps and being "tied down" quite young?

[ravenmum]

Was she young enough that she might just never have really finished growing up, or might have felt insecure in her role as a parent?

[Ilovemytwins]

MatildaTheCat I have tried to get her involved in things with me and the girls, but she always leaves it up to my dad to play with them. Prime example was when we went on holiday together. My mum and dad plus me, DH and twins were staying 10 minster away from each other. So had a few days out swimming etc. It was dad that was in the sea/pool/building sandcastles etc. So he is in the background on most the pics, she isn't. So she played hell when she saw them. Just odd really, because it's not as if they were posed pics.
Ravenmum, she was 26 when she had me. You make a good point, I don't think she was ready for a baby. I was a mistake (pill failed). I was born one year and 1 day exactly after their 1st wedding anniversary. So she regularly commented that her wedding anniversary was "over shadowed" by my birthday.

[comoneileen]

Your mum was at the least emotionally absent (there is a book on this) or abusive. Stop trying to get her approval and love, it seems she is unable to give it to you. Maybe you can understand why she was this way, but it is not going to make up for years of lack of love.
Check out the thread, you are not alone www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2749701-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-survivors-of-dysfunctional-and-toxic-families

[Ilovemytwins]

Thankyou comoneileen, I will have a look. X