(this is going to be long sorry) I have posted before on stately homes thread. My mother gave me away as a child and I spent time in care and various family members. I never had a home and was made aware that I was only ever a guest in whichever place I was living. My grandmother visited me in this time.
My mother had a terrible relationship with myself and my grandmother. Mother had more children. She loved them but treated them badly. I loved my siblings and my grandmother a lot. My grandmother eventually took me in properly to live with her when I was 10ish. (a little vague on details as I lived in a different home every six months for the first 10 years). It was made clear to me that I was a burden to my grandmother and that I was lucky she decided to keep me and that I should be grateful.
Once at my grandmothers her husband starting abusing me. My grandmother knew and hated me for stealing her husband and being a slut like my mother. The next three years she beat me for being a horrible person. When I was 13 she threw me out for being a husband stealer. I saw a shrink who told me I was evil and it was all my fault.
My mother and her husband took me in and I moved from germany to england. My mother then beat and starved me until she left me here just a year later. My step dad carried on looking after me. He was a drunk but he kept me.
During this time I still had visits from my grandmother and her husband and monthly phone calls. I didn't like talking to him and every time he visited he made moves on me again. The last time he touched me was at my mothers funeral 10 years ago.
I was barely sleeping and was in a bad way mentally. I had to carry on with the calls as it was made clear to me that it was my duty and that my grandmother took me in when no one had ever loved or wanted me.
Anyway 2 years ago I finally went no contact after more abuse on phone. My grandmother wanted me to leave my sons in england and go back to care for her. It was made clear that it was my duty as I had forced her husband to cheat and as she took me in. I had to walk away as I was hiding from phone ringing, I still had terrible nightmares and I was crying after every call. She seemed to enjoy forcing me to talk to her husband and seemed to like punishing me.
So the reason I'm posting is that my sister (she is also no contact with me as she used me for money and she didnt care when told about the abuse) sent a message to say my grandmothers husband is in hospital in a bad way.
I am back to not sleeping as I'm trying to work up the courage to go back to hell by getting back in contact.
I have my sons and my partner plus various friends (my family) but my grandmother took me in. She needs my support now so I will have to go back. I am so afraid that I am going to break over this. The last 2 ish years I have slept and felt safe and loved. It's all going to go again and I can't cope.
Sorry this is so long and so rambly. English is not my first language so sorry if its all a mess. I just really needed to get it all out.
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Sick grandfather (abuse related)
littlemissangrypants · 07/11/2016 19:28
You really do not need to go back. Your primary loyalty and responsibility now is to your DC and DP. You owe it to them to protect yourself and keep your GM at arms length. You owe her nothing. You were a child.
The only person whose needs and wishes you need to consider here is you
Your only duty now is to your children. They need a calm, settled, happy mother, and you deserve the peace that no contact has brought you.
I'm not sure if anyone has ever said this to you, but I sincerely hope they have.
You are not a bad person. None of this was your fault. You didn't deserve it. You matter, your peace of mind and happiness matters.
You don't have to go back, you really really don't. You owe them nothing - if your sister is so worried about them, she can care for them.
Stay home, stay happy. Would you seek further counselling? Something specifically geared towards survivors of abuse? A good counsellor could really help you work through the feelings that have resurfaced 
I am so sorry about the random !
I would just add, you are human, and hoping death on him is a normal emotion.
What a horrendous childhood you had and not one bit of it is your fault.
To be frank your grandmother, her husband, your mother all of them are vile, evil people of the highest order of which have conditioned you to feel that you owe them for your existence. You really don't.
You have built yourself a family and a home without them and can I just say you should be tremendously proud of how far you have come. You are still recovering though as anyone would has gone through something that you have and in order to go a bit further with your life is to completely liberate yourself once and for all. No contact with your grandmother or your sister whatsoever, change your number and don't feel guilty about it. You have done nothing wrong. You are a good person and they should be locked up.
One of the reasons you feel anxiety is because of the lack of control, you don't know what's next if you go to them. Take the control back your a grown woman who deserves so much more than them.
One last time - please don't go and don't feel guilty. Read your post back but as a person who you don't know was writing it, what advice would you give them. Good luck live your life your way 
You did not deserve this
You do not owe either of them anything
You were the child. It was their duty to protect you. Neither of them deserve your sympathy. Keep your no contact. Keep that wall between you and them strong and give yourself time to heal for yourself and you children.
Your Grandmother did nothing but abuse you, you owe her absolutely nothing. Think of it like this - would you encourage your children to get back in touch with an abuser in the same circumstances? Exactly, you wouldn't. Treat yourself with the same care & close the door on this. All the best to you.
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