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Banned from nannas funeral by mum

(27 Posts)
NamerC Mon 07-Nov-16 15:06:23

Namechanged in case I'm recognised.

Arrived home earlier on to a message on my answering machine from my mum saying that I had to call her. My mum hasn't called me for years so I assumed it was important.

I called back and she told me that my nanna has died. She won't give me any more information about how she died and I am not allowed to go to the funeral.

I am so upset. I was very close to my nanna. We only visited her on Friday and we were planning Christmas and now she's gone and I don't know how or why.

My mum hates me and we have always had a bumpy relationship but we tried to be civil for my nanna because she hated to see us so distant.

I don't know how to convince her to let me go to the funeral. I don't think she will and I don't know what to do.

PurpleDaisies Mon 07-Nov-16 15:07:53

How old are you? I don't think she can stop you going to the funeral. I'd go anyway, sit well away from your mum and leave afterwards.

Sorry for your loss.flowers

japanesegarden Mon 07-Nov-16 15:09:46

If it's a funeral in a church, she can't stop you going; they are public events that anyone is allowed to attend. I don't know if the same thing is true of a crematorium, but if you can find out where it will be, you can ask. If there is some other neutral relative who will let you know when it's happening, then you can make your own arrangements to go if at all possible.
I'm sorry for your loss and sad situation.

madgingermunchkin Mon 07-Nov-16 15:13:16

Don't beg, plead, or engage in any way. It sounds like she wants a reaction. Go to the funeral, she cannot stop you. Ignore any pettiness from her. I think in this situation, your nanna would fully understand and be horrified that her daughter was using her death as a way to cause issues.

Please surround yourself with good people and take care of yourself. I'm so so sorry for you loss.

Floralnomad Mon 07-Nov-16 15:15:46

As others have said she cannot ban you from a funeral , if you can't find out from anybody else what the arrangements are I'd ring round the local undertakers and find out that way .

NamerC Mon 07-Nov-16 15:15:51

I'm in my thirties.
I don't know when the funeral will be or where it will be. The DCs are going to be devastated too and I don't know how to explain to the eldest that we can't go to the funeral.

japanesegarden Mon 07-Nov-16 16:09:04

Who else is going to be going? Old family friends, other relatives? Almost anyone would support you in going to your own grandmother's funeral. Can you not ask someone else for help and support? Or, as pp said, ring round undertakers? You can go, if you really want to.

Hissy Mon 07-Nov-16 16:51:51

Go to the funeral! What's your mum going to do?

user1471950254 Mon 07-Nov-16 16:57:02

Can another family member step in, speaking to your Mum that you both deserve to pay respects?

honeyroar Mon 07-Nov-16 17:03:49

Try contacting other relatives, grandma's friends, local crematorium and or church.

Your mother is being cruel. Why even bother to tell you if she wants to then ban you from the funeral, that's even more cruel.

I would give her one chance, put it down to grief and try to reason. Could you send your mum a letter saying how upset you and your family are at the loss of your grandma, and that you all want to pay your respects and say goodbye. Say you will sit at the back and not interact with your mum, then leave afterwards. Tell her that to ban you and your children would be a cold and cruel thing to do, and would be unforgivable. Point out that other people would judge her for it too.

NamerC Mon 07-Nov-16 17:06:22

Thank you for your advice
I don't know what she would do if I went to the funeral. It's likely she would try to argue with me or get me to leave.
I have tried to contact my godmother and asked her to speak to my mum but she usually doesn't want to get involved.

I have an idea of which undertaker she will be using so I could call them.

GettingMuckyFingersCrossed Mon 07-Nov-16 17:21:31

Call them
She was your nan , go and say your goodbyes

Wonkydonkey44 Mon 07-Nov-16 17:38:04

Check the local paper for your nana it will say in their or maybe contact local undertakers and see if they are dealing.
Go to the funeral x

OreoCat Mon 07-Nov-16 17:52:00

Also google her name, if they put a funeral notice in the paper I think the usually go online as well. Sorry for your loss.

Fidelia Mon 07-Nov-16 18:41:42

Contact the local crem and ask when the funeral is. But...if this was a sudden/unexpected death, there may be a delay if they have to do a post mortum.

If you feel that you don't want to go, then why not remember her by yourself? You could go to a cathedral and light a candle, or ask the local vicar (to you) if they would say some prayers with you to commemorate her.

HolyCrow Mon 07-Nov-16 18:47:46

Would your mum really make a scene in front of other people?

Please go to your Nannas funeral. You will regret it forever if you don't. Even if you sit at the back and out of sight of your mum. No one has the right to stop you.

It should be published in the local papers or your could have a ring around and see if you can find out details directly from the funeral directors.

Lots of love flowers

SandyY2K Mon 07-Nov-16 19:09:18

Do you have other family members who would tell you? Siblings/cousins/uncles or Aunts.

Do you know any of your Nan's friends or her neighbours who would be attending the funeral and could tell you?

How incredibly cruel of your mum to not give you the information.

Allalonenow Mon 07-Nov-16 19:22:19

Most local newspapers have an on line section for Public Notices such as deaths, so that would be an easy place to start looking for funeral information.

Your mother is looking for drama, or if she didn't want you to attend why contact you at all? Just go to the funeral, stay calm and ignore your Mother.

goddessofsmallthings Mon 07-Nov-16 19:22:53

How old is your nanna and how was she when you saw her last Friday Was she in poor health or did she seem well? Is it possible that your mother has got wind of your plans for Christmas and is playing a cruel trick on you?

Do you have a phone number for your nanna's GP, or for any of her neighbours?

Summerlovinf Mon 07-Nov-16 19:26:07

You should be able to find out the details of the funeral and, like others have said, it's your choice whether or not you go. If you decide against though I'm sure you can find something symbolic and significant to do in her memory.

Blossomdeary Mon 07-Nov-16 19:28:49

This is beyond sad - the idea that your own mother might want to stop you saying your goodbyes to you GM and is refusing to tell you what happened. I am sorry that you are in this sad situation and feel for you.

The simple fact is that she cannot stop you from going to the funeral as it will be taking place in a public building. Others above have suggested ways of finding out the details.

If it is in a church might I suggest you make contact with the vicar so that she/he knows that there might be trouble. I am sure they would be hugely sympathetic and helpful to you.

I am sorry for your loss. flowers

PoisonWitch Mon 07-Nov-16 19:32:19

Agree with everyone else. Your mother is being awful and you have every right to go. Can you find any of your Nanna's friends in the phonebook?

DixieWishbone Mon 07-Nov-16 19:36:31

Phone the undertakers in your grandmother's area to see who is handling the funeral arrangements and what they are.

Go to the funeral and sit at the back.

If you can find out the name of the funeral director you may be able to go before the funeral and say goodbye to your grandmother. My father died while I was abroad and I was able to go and see him in the funeral home before he was placed in his coffin. I wish I hadn't tbh as it didn't feel like him, just his shell, but you may feel differently.

FancyPantsDelacroixTheFirst Mon 07-Nov-16 19:43:17

Try checking the websites of local undertakers, they sometimes have an upcoming funerals page.

If you are really concerned about how your mother might behave at the funeral and you can find out where your nanna will be buried you could do something special with your children afterwards, lovely flowers and talking to them about her, or whatever you think would be right for you.

NamerC Mon 07-Nov-16 21:10:10

Thank you. It's been a hard day.
She might start trouble in front of people but more in a poor me type of way like I'm the awful person.

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