Just last night I was sitting on the couch thinking I am so alone. I have a husband and loads of brilliant friends but I cant go to any of them to talk about how I am feeling. Normally I would talk to my husband - but I cant in this instance as we are going through some difficulties at the moment. The thing is there are some problems in our relationship, we are working through them. We have just started counselling. He is very open to getting help and I know that he loves me to pieces. I can discuss the individual issues with him, I can discuss them with the counsellor. What I cant discuss is the knot in my stomach - the thing is I don't know if I am in love with my husband, I cant say that out loud to ANYONE.
But.... is that the truth or am I expecting too much from my marriage? I am expecting too much from life? I am overwhelmed at the minute and there are lots of outside pressures. I have lots of baggage from my childhood, dealing with abusive and alcoholic father. I feel so confused - I am petrified that I have made wrong choices, that my history is discolouring everything. On one hand I know my husband would do anything for me. I know I have a good life, I know I love my kids, my family, my friends. Sometimes I read about abusive relationships (I don't know why I do this) looking for signs - as if the internet can give me direction. The thing is when I am ticking these boxes....it points to me being the 'abuser'.
I can treat my husband with contempt. I find it very difficult to admit I am wrong or back down in an argument. I find it especially difficult to apologise. My husband is really good at talking and will always apologise for any wrong doing. If we argue he will stick to the point - I will drag up the past.
I know this is probably too much to post here and I am scared. But I saw a post and thought - here is a safe place? Husband thinks I may be depressed. Maybe I am but maybe its the situation, or my past or what ever. Where do I go from here?
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Where do I turn
11 replies
Jadetreesbringluck · 07/11/2016 14:03
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