Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

How to tell DH I don't want to have sex again

(21 Posts)
MollyHopps Mon 07-Nov-16 09:24:44

Not sure if anyone else has gone through this, but I need advice.

DH and I have probably had sex twice in the last 2-3 years. I have absolutely no desire to have sex. I don't even want foreplay anymore. I don't think my desire will ever come back either.

Has anyone ever told their Dh they don't want it anymore, and did your marriage survive? I don't know if it's a case of just not fancying my DH anymore or otherwise.

How do I tell him gently I don't want to anymore?

ElspethFlashman Mon 07-Nov-16 09:28:15

IMO it doesn't matter how gently you tell him.

The wording isn't going to change the fact that you are telling him HE will never have sex again.

At least, not with you.

But honesty is the only fair course here. He needs to be able to make an informed decision about his own future.

RozzlePops Mon 07-Nov-16 09:28:39

You really need to give him the opportunity to end the marriage if he wants to.

Being in a sexless marriage is sole destroying for some people.

Does he have a sex drive?

Would you consider an open relationship?

ChicRock Mon 07-Nov-16 09:30:49

I don't think there is a gentle way to tell your DH you never want sex with him again.

I'm assuming you've been to your GP, had counselling, etc?

Agn61 Mon 07-Nov-16 09:34:50

Yes I did around 5 years ago. I just had no desire whatsoever and after years of having to pretend I just addressed it. I gave him the ok to see other people if he wants to and to leave me if he wanted to but he has chosen not to do the latter. Whether he does the former is anyone's guess.

We get ok well other than this and still enjoy each other's company. I am not jealous in the slightest though so that helps with the solution I offered.

I am fully aware that he could leave me though if he falls in love. It's the risk I take.

I had no desire at all though. Wouldn't want to have sex with anyone else either. If it's just him you don't want to have sex with then that's a different matter.

Trifleorbust Mon 07-Nov-16 09:34:57

You can tell him any way you like but there is no nice way. Are you expecting your marriage to survive this?

MatildaTheCat Mon 07-Nov-16 09:37:41

If you've had sex twice in 2-3 years it's hardly big news unless he's hoping things will improve. A lot depends on his attitude, desire level and whether you've tried to change things if that's what he wants.

Are you an older couple with a previously good sex life? Are you intimate in other ways? There a lot more to intimacy than sex.

How you actually say it depends on how open you both are really. Perhaps he knows since you are already in what would be classed a sexless marriage?

ElspethFlashman Mon 07-Nov-16 09:39:24

Do you ever hug him or kiss him?

Have you withdrawn allother physical human contact as well?

ByeByeLilSebastian Mon 07-Nov-16 09:43:29

He goes 363 days of the year without sex. I don't think you need to announce it.

Sex is a big part of a loving relationship. Are you hoping you can keep the relationship going or are you asking him to end it?

IsMyUserNameRubbish Mon 07-Nov-16 09:52:18

When I had my Hysterectomy twenty years ago it was as if a switch turned off my sex drive but if I'm honest, I never really had one. Lucky enough my husband of thirty years is exactly the same, so we're lucky we're compatible like that if we wasn't then yes it would've caused massive problems in the marriage because that's not what your husband technically signed up for. Some people say sex is the most important thing in a marriage, because it shows closeness but me and my husband hug and kiss, not full on snog but a kiss and we tell each other I love you every single day. So at thirty years married no sex works for us, I'm more for companionship and as I say I'm lucky my husband feels the same, we are best mates though and do everything together, meals out, pictures, walks in the country. We're both fifty one and really close. I can fully understand how you feel, it's not an easy subject to talk about and you must feel in an impossible position but all I can suggest is talk, set some time to one side and talk it ok out and let him know that no sex, doesn't mean no marriage and it's quite possible to have a loving, close, successful marriage without it shock! horror! Although we're all different, each persons needs are different, every marriage is different so find what works for you, good luck.

comoneileen Mon 07-Nov-16 10:01:41

Do you think there is anything behind the lack of desire for him?
Something he does or maybe doesn't do?
And just a thought, I am going through depression and I have no desire to be close to anyone at the moment...

MollyHopps Mon 07-Nov-16 10:26:16

Thank you all for your replies.

We are very affectionate towards each other, yes. We hug, kiss, hold hands and the rest, there is just no other intimacy. I know it won't be a huge shock for him considering the last two years or so.

As for what I expect, I don't expect him to want to stay. I am more than happy for him to make a decision that is right for him and his needs because I love him and want him to be happy. Obviously I would prefer it if he stayed but it's not fair to expect that of him. As for an open relationship yes, it is something I would consider.

MollyHopps Mon 07-Nov-16 10:27:19

Just to add also, It's not a case of me fancying it with others either. I just do not want sex at all, from anyone.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Mon 07-Nov-16 10:31:32

I think I'd plan out your best case and present that when you tell him. For example, you'd like to keep the intimacy you currently have in the form of hugs etc, but you don't want X types of sex anymore. Then if you'd rather he found someone else to have that with; then introduce any boundaries (a sex worker? Protection? Someone not in your social circle? Same person every time or someone different each time to prevent attachment? Do you want to know about it? Where should it be? Etc) and let him know that you'd prefer that to losing him (if you would) but you understand sex is important.

He may need time to think so you may want to reconvene after a few days. It's a massive ask of him, whatever allowances are made.

Good luck

Agn61 Mon 07-Nov-16 10:31:41

That's exactly how I felt too Molly. It has worked out ok so far and I just don't ask about the open bit. That was what we agreed. I am not naive enough to think it might not split us up in the end though but have come to terms with that.

SandyY2K Mon 07-Nov-16 11:35:47

Would you like to want to want sex? If you know what I mean.

Sometimes the lack of desire is due to hormonal imbalances. Some people want to have the desire, but just don't feel like it.

user1471535250 Mon 07-Nov-16 12:53:21

Yes, mine I similar to yo0urs. I have no interest in sex what so ever and yet we still retain a warmth between us. I wouldn't worry, its perfectly natural. What's less natural- and a possible influence on your question- is the endless bombarding that we get that you should be having sex endlessly and joyfully. Please ignore all the 'right to a sex life' mob. If your both happy then fine.

Desmondo2016 Mon 07-Nov-16 12:56:40

Does it even need to be said. To Me, sex once a year is pretty much a sexless marriage anyway so your worrying about telling him something in words that your actions have already made clear.

OhhBetty Mon 07-Nov-16 19:55:24

Why bother telling him? He must already know. Does he try to have sex with you or mention it?

If he isn't happy with you're sex life he's free to leave. I would have thought he'd have brought it up by now if he was unhappy.

Summerlovinf Mon 07-Nov-16 20:00:53

Are you menopausal? I've been working with a menopause support group recently and loss of sexual desire was a common symptom

Believeitornot Mon 07-Nov-16 20:09:23

Do you fancy him?

If you don't then that might be why. And you haven't met anyone else who also does it for you.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now