Dd and her hair.... I need help

[dddrivingmemad]

My dd 19 takes part in a sport that requires her hair be tied up in a bun. She's newish to this sport but is doing really well at it and is competing this winter. As well as physical skill, appearance is taken into account, so it matters that the bun is neat. To help her out in the beginning I did the bun but now I want to encourage her to do it herself. Cue a tantrum worthy of a toddler. I've just finished a session of trying to get her to do it for herself, keeping my voice low and calm & encouraging her. She's having none of it, is being bolshy & ranty, throwing her toys out of the pram. She said it was impossible to do it for herself, so I had a go on myself to try it (whilst she watched) and it was ok. She's still having none of it - it can't be done, end of! I'm a single parent and I'm guessing this is about more than hair-tying but I'm not sure what? What can I do to encourage a more positive attitude in her and get her to give it a proper try?

[MrsTerryPratchett]

19 years old? Not 9.

[ElspethFlashman]

At 19, I wouldn't be bothering too much with keeping my voice low and calm. She's not a kid, she's a woman.

If she doesn't want to do it herself, then she can just not do the sport.

There are tons of hair doughnuts in Claire's Accessories - she has no excuse, it's ridiculous. Make sure you don't pander too much.

[BubbleGumBubble]

Walk away and ignore her.

I am afraid at 19 she should be able to do her own hair and behave like an adult.

My dds are 9 and watch youtube to learn how to do their own hair. Tell her to do that.

[sooperdooper]

She's 19, does she normally behave like a small child?

[dddrivingmemad]

Unfortunately, I think this is fall-out from me divorcing her (abusive) dad recently. I think it's regressed her a bit but I'm not sure what to do. I'm a bit frightened of the blow-up that might occur if I don't do it. I have another sn child who can't bare to hear the 19yo tantrum. I need practical advice, not a kicking.

[Underchipsandpeas]

Does she have any additional needs?

[BretonStripe]

19 though Does she have SN?

[ElspethFlashman]

Tbh the only way to avoid a tantrum is to keep doing it for her.

Or time the conversation/blow out for when the other child is at school or at a friends.

[LIZS]

Leave her to it. If she can't/won't she either asks a fellow competitor or teacher to show her how to do it or takes the reduced marks. Honestly , most young teens can manage a decent ballet bun for dance classes. Or is there some particular reason she can't do it.

[TheLadyWithTheYellowHat]

I was a gymnastics coach before I had my ds, I'm qualified in pre school gymnastics but I used to coach some of the competition girls when they needed a stand in, these girls are 10/11/12 and can all do their own hair. It takes practice and alot of patience. I think if I had had a tantrum about my hair aged 19 my mum would have slapped me

[Sparlklesilverglitter]

She is a young woman not a child, I'd leave her too it to be honest.

Impossible for her to do herself, well tell her to try that but harder then

Only other option is to counting doing it to avoid the childish tantrums

[ItsAllGoingToBeFine]

Turning it around - is there any reason you don't want to do her hair? Spending time with her, brushing her hair and putting it up could be a lovely touchy feely binding experience and a bit of time for you both to chat?

[ItsAllGoingToBeFine]

Bonding not binding...

[chickenwing]

She's asking for your love, just give it to her. Do her hair for her and do it affectionately. No matter what age people are, we all have an inner chilled that needs nurtured from time to time.

[chickenwing]

*child!

[AnyFucker]

19 ?

Is that a typo ?

Why are you even engaging if she is actually 19 (and no SEN)

Just tell her to Park It and walk away

[jelliebelly]

I think this is about more than her hair tbh - she's wanting your attention and love more than ever given recent divorce

[SheSparkles]

If it has to be a tidy bun, then an old fashioned hairnet can cover a multitude of sins-I used to use one on dd's hair for ballet exams. Get your dd to look on YouTube for a tutorial-there are loads on there

[NancyJoan]

If she is going to be competing, presumably you're not always going to be there.

Why don't you take her to the hairdresser, get them to teach her to do it herself. She's unlikely to tantrum there.

[dddrivingmemad]

Hmmm, the more I look at your responses and think about this, the more I think it's not really about hair, it's about reassurance post-divorce. Divorcing a narc isn't easy and she still gets bathed in his vitriol about me when she sees her dad. I just wanted to encourage a bit more independence as she's heading towards 20.

[TheTantrumCometh]

19? And she's tantrum throwing. I get that divorce can be hard for all involved, but regressing to a toddler? Bloody hell no. Tell her to grow and stop helping her.

Cut the cord. For both your sakes. If your want her to have some independence stop doing things for her.

[WasWildatHeart]

I believe in listening to our children, however they are communicating and whatever age they are, and being there for them, no matter what.

It could be fallout frm the divorce, could be stress about performing well, could just be she wants the nurturing contact with you. I personally would back off a little and have a chat about her hair when she is not stressed. Does it really matter if you keep doing it for her?

[Piglet208]

I agree there is more to this than hair. Set a date by which it would be good for her to be able to do her own hair and then set aside time to practise with her each day. She might be afraid of looking silly so reassure her you won't let that happen and try to make the practice sessions fun. Use the time to keep connecting with her.

[DeathStare]

19? Are you serious? Does she have SN?

If not screw the idea that this is about post-divorce issues. She's an adult and she can speak to you with respect and do her own hair.

I thought 19 was going to turn out to be a typo for either 9 or 10 and was still going to say not to put up with it. But 19????? You are pandering to her ridiculously.

My 12 year old has to put her hair up in a bun for a similar sport and has been doing it herself for years.

I'm seriously gobsmacked with you infantilising an adult