Advice needed - really paranoid stepmother

[schrutefarmbeets]

Morning everyone - could do with some advice!
I'm in my mid 20s and my parents divorced about two years ago and both have new partners. They were unhappy for a long time so I've always been supportive of their decision to split.
I live 5 hours away from my parents, and this weekend my DF and his partner are staying in a hotel nearby. They came over to my flat last night while I grabbed a jumper before we were heading out for dinner and a show.
I have a photo up of me with both my parents from a holiday about five years ago. My DF's partner saw it while I showed them round, didn't say anything to me and then refused to talk to me for about 3 hours and I didn't know why. In the restaurant my DF told me (shes just sat there) that she was upset that there's a photo of both my parents in my house and she got up and stormed out of the restaurant and refused to come to the show. She then spent the whole meal sending nasty messages to my DF telling him that he always sides with his family and that I want he and my mum to get back together (I really don't).

Is it unreasonable for me to have photos of me with my parents in my own home? I really don't know what to say to her but she started saying really unkind things to my DF and I just don't want this to snowball into anything. It seems like such a little thing to me that I don't know how to react?

[HRarehoundingme]

YANBU to have a photo of your parents in your home. She is a loon.

[ChuckGravestones]

Yeah I'd tell her to get over it. Or tell your dad you can have whatever pictures of your parents in your house that you want and also, tell him that is what we would consider a 'red flag' and is he sure she isn't being a tad too controlling of his life?

My DSD used to have a pic of her mum by the bed at ours. I wouldn't dream of mentioning it.

[Hotwaterbottle1]

She is crazy! That's totally ridiculous. Of course you can have any photos you like up. How was your DF?

[Shayelle]

Absolute nutjob!! Your poor Dad 😞

[ptumbi]

Do not react to it. She is either nuts, or attempting to control you and/or your father by getting you to remove a photo of your mother (WTAF??)

Either way, ignore. Do not get drawn in - and stay living 5 hours away! She is not paranoid and you are not BU!

[schrutefarmbeets]

Thank you! Glad I am not going crazy. She is massively controlling - they get on very well but she is really insecure about him leaving her. There have been lots of red flags over the last two years. She's sent my mum horrible texts, makes fun of her in front of me and has stopped my dad meeting his dog walking friends because most of them are women. He can only spend time with me when she is busy because she doesn't ever want to be left alone.

My dad is absolutely lovely but a complete wet blanket, and just wants everyone to be happy. I'm headed off to meet him now so will see if she's calmed down - exhausting!

[Cary2012]

She's a fruit loop and a drama queen to boot! Hope your DF is furious with her for ruining a special evening.

You've done absolutely nothing wrong.

She's obviously very insecure, but that's her problem not yours.

Your flat, your family and past, your photos....she needs to grow up.
I hope your DF doesn't side with her, to keep the peace with her, but I've a feeling he might.

[Cary2012]

X posts with you OP.
She sounds a nightmare

[stitchglitched]

I'd be telling her to grow up, and no way would I let her be nasty about my own Mum in front of me. Your Dad may pander to her, that's his choice. No need for anyone else to tiptoe around this ridiculous woman.

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

Not only is she controlling your father, she's trying to control you now.

This one is easy to solve: don't let her cross your threshold ever again. If she raises it with you again today tell her to mind her own bloody business. She can try to manipulate your father all she likes but you'll not be standing for it so she can eff off.

I can imagine how glad you are that you're five hours away. She's a desperate loon. You're poor father! Can't even walk his own dog when and with whom he chooses. Maybe he'll be able to see the light sooner rather than later.

[Slightlyperturbedowlagain]

As a stepmother I think she is being totally unreasonable. DSD had a photo of her mum in her bedroom in our house before she left home- her room, her home as well as ours, and she wanted it there. She loves her mum, totally normal.
I wonder if your dad actually needs some emotional support to leave her, it can't be much fun for him. My DH would never have tolerated that sort of behaviour in front of his DD.

[happyinthesunshine]

She sounds very insecure in her relationship with your dad. Of course you are entitled to have any pictures you like in your own home. The issue is with her perception and in no way with you.

I am a step mum and always encourage all our children to talk about, contact, buy presents for, make things and have photos of all the important people in their lives. It's about promoting healthy bonds and encouraging good relationships.

Don't let this get you down. Maybe have a quiet word with your dad. Sometimes people can/want to forget that if a family has been together before then even after a split those people will matter and are important. Especially to the children of the split. To pretend this isn't so can be damaging.

[SleepFreeZone]

Wooooaah!!! Let's hope your father doesn't get ill as she'll keep him locked in a room and stop any visitors coming round. I think she sounds scary.

[DeathStare]

Firstly I think you need to talk to your DF alone about how controlling all this is.

Secondly (assuming he doesn't leave her) I think you need to pick her up on these issues - nicely and politely - every single time. E.g. if she's rude about your mum pull her up on it "that's not very nice"

[fc301]

You need to step back from this. As you were an adult when their relationship started she is not your stepmother, she is your DF partner.
You have done nothing wrong, hence you need to take no action now.
You can be supportive towards your DF BUT don't get sucked in to helping him fix things.
I agree with Bitter. With this HUGELY UNREASONABLE behaviour she has forfeited the right to visit your home.

[schrutefarmbeets]

Thanks for everyone's advice - just got back from meeting my DF, where I was asked whether I had put the photo up deliberately to upset her (?!) so I think there's just no reasoning with her. He seemed very tired and burnt out.

I told him I was concerned about this crazy pattern of behaviour and he agreed, but whether he'll actually do anything about it I don't know...

I'm going to steer clear of her from now on and you're all right, there is no way she's stepping into my home again. I'm going to leave him to it but have made it clear I'm there if he needs me.

Thanks everyone, I read some of the comments out when I saw him and I think it helped him realise that it's NOT normal behaviour and he doesn't have to put up with it.

[AyeAmarok]

Flipping heck, YANBU at all and she sounds absolutely batshit!

I feel for your dad, very glad he has been open with you about it and she hasn't managed to manipulate him into cutting you out of his life to appease her and her irrational insecurity. Do keep an eye out for that, though.

[Crazeecurlee]

She's crazy, sorry. I agree with steer clear, don't let her in your house, block her number and see your dad alone from now on. There's no reason you need to spend time with her at all.

[schrutefarmbeets]

One month later... And I have heard nothing from her! No squeak of an apology for her weird ass behaviour.

I just spoke to my dad and she has bought me Christmas presents (?!) and he was practically begging me on the phone to buy her a couple of gifts to keep the peace.

How about a nice framed photo of my parents' wedding day?