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How to end it ? ... tell me to put my big girl pants on

(27 Posts)
smilingeyes79 Sun 06-Nov-16 07:27:11

I would appreciate some ideas / thoughts on how to sensitively but definitely end a 'relationship'. Haven't dated for 2+ yrs.

Background, met a guy online, honest and open that he was just separating, know this is true and he lives 3 hrs + from his stbxw. Been dating for 6/8 weeks, I know this as super early days, not even a relationship to me hence my inverted commas ... but does think we are in a relationship. He is running head on into this, I think almost in a way to forget the hurt of his marriage ending / justify why his marriage is over- he spends a lot of time telling how great I am because stbxw didn't do or say that .... I have explained that he cannot pitch my behaviour against hers, I am me and I want to be viewed as an individual not an improved model of what he had before.

Anyway getting onto why I am ending this ... I've been struggling with a cold / ear infection since Monday ... was made to feel bad I'd not seen him so went over to his Thursday evening, nice catch up, bite to eat, watched tv, he made the right noises about being concerned for me. We went to bed, nice cuddle and sleep. When he woke he asked did I sleep well, I said I'd been awake half the night as too hot / cold / unsettled, he could see I was not well... said I needed to get up in a min so as not to be late for work ... we had a cuddle then he said as he moved my hand south that it was a bit much not having sex either last night or this morning and said for me to touch him. In a daze / because it was easier than rowing I did and he was satisfied!
I want to rip his head off now but genuinely don't think there is any point because he won't see the problem... was meant to see him last night but cried off with my cold (I'm actually much better) ... his concern is that he won't get a cuddle while watching fireworks ( we were meant to go to a display).

He does have anxiety issues and has told me of past bouts of depression so I don't want to annihilate him especially as ex wife is doing that (maybe rightly so) I want to end without a hint of maybe.
Ideas please.
Thank you

HuckfromScandal Sun 06-Nov-16 07:33:38

Text him
And move on

smilingeyes79 Sun 06-Nov-16 08:11:17

I know and your right it just seems so cold and doesn't feel very nice.
Thank you

Penfold007 Sun 06-Nov-16 08:19:18

So knowing you were unwell he coerced you into giving him sexual relief and when you cancelled last night he complained he wouldn't get sex rather than being concerned you were unwell. He isn't nice and you may now have an inkling why his STBXW is just that.
Don't feel guilty about ending it by text but do block his number.

EnoughAlready43 Sun 06-Nov-16 08:23:05

Text him and tell him its over. Then block him. He doesn't deserve any more than that.

ChuckGravestones Sun 06-Nov-16 08:26:22

He is a sex pest. So swat him.
By text. And id be very clear why i was ending it.

PoldarksBreeches Sun 06-Nov-16 08:28:28

It perfectly fine to text to end a 6-8 week 'relationship'
He sounds like a whiny, emotionally stunted, sexually entitled nightmare. You don't owe him anything. So what if he suffers from
Anxiety? He's behaving like a prick.
I have to ask where are your boundaries? Why didn't you end this when he started crossing your boundaries?

smilingeyes79 Sun 06-Nov-16 08:38:00

Probably because I've been told by so many friends I judge to harshly and I don't give guys enough of a chance. Also because at first I wanted to believe he was nice and not the dick he clearly is.
High boundaries back in place with anti climb paint and razor wire at the top :-)

smilingeyes79 Sun 06-Nov-16 08:40:42

So its unanimous I can text and ditch him, it's what I'd tell a friend but it's more difficult when you're in the situation I suppose.

Muddlewitch Sun 06-Nov-16 08:48:40

I think it's fine to text, he hasn't shown you respect, you owe him nothing.

JennyHolzersGhost Sun 06-Nov-16 08:52:38

Eurgh. Text and ditch. And move on. flowers

NickiFury Sun 06-Nov-16 08:58:21

Text him now, this second. God I cannot stand these tiresome, whiny coercive men when it comes to sex. It sounds to me like it's much to early for him to be seeing someone else as he is still locked into the behaviour patterns he had with his ex wife - you know the ones that contributed to their marriage failing?

Text is fine - it's only been SIX weeks. You owe him nothing. Careful though I don't think he will go quietly.

ptumbi Sun 06-Nov-16 09:04:28

OP - your friends are wrong. You have high standards, and that is a good thing. Judge away - and DO NOT settle for a sex-pest/entitled twat just because he is a 'boyfriend'. DO NOT act lucky to have ANY man or relationship. It should go both ways.

And as for doing anything that you don't want to, for a quiet life, or to prevent a row, or avoid hurt feelings - well, ask yourself why his feelings are worth more than yours. angry

That sort of behaviour usually raises a red flag, with good reason.

Get rid - if he's like that with you after only a few weeks, what will he be like a year into it?

Get rid

Damelo Sun 06-Nov-16 09:06:42

omg, I'd say ''you pressured me for sex which was bad enough really but I was unwell''.

Damelo Sun 06-Nov-16 09:11:01

ps, i should have paid attention to similar red flags with my DC's father.

This guy has made it clear that he doesn't care if you're late for work.
Makes the right 'noises' but doesn't really care if you're unwell, and actually comments that ''it's a bit much'' that you don't have sex with him despite being unwell/late for work.

As others have said, if he has this much entitlement after 6 -8 weeks, he would be a nightmare to be in a relationship with.

Damelo Sun 06-Nov-16 09:17:57

ps2

You say about texting him/ending it

"I know and your right it just seems so cold and doesn't feel very nice."

and you thank MN.

Can I suggest that being 'nice' is a part of your identity?! Because first and foremost you are nice!! You are a giver and this guy is a taker, so be very careful. According to a therapist i saw years ago to help me feel less shit, guilty and more entitled after my X was berating me, a giver and a taker is a combination that rumbles on, for years. (Phrased differently)

Sorry for the projection, but a man like this will control you easily by calling in to question your 'niceness' the moment you don't do what he wants. You'll be 'cold', 'cruel' and selfish the moment you don't meet one of his needs. All of yours would be left unmet.

I think my x started to show his true colours about the 7 week mark too and I should have RUN FOR THE HILLS

Google, the problem with being too nice!

It's all about how some women (me too) try not to put others out of their way, try not to be any trouble etc... The next time you meet a man, see if he will incovenience himself occasionally for you. Will he do you a favour? Will he go to trouble for you?

Damelo Sun 06-Nov-16 09:22:12

stop being too nice, huffington post

how being too nice can hurt you

Massive apologies if I'm projecting here wine

smilingeyes79 Sun 06-Nov-16 09:29:07

Thank you all ... reading this has made me realise I am nice and I do have high standards. I've foolishly allowed this to waiver for fear of being made to look mean or harsh.
I should have knocked this on the head weeks ago but I felt sorry for him going through so much with stbxw ... but your all right maybe these behaviours are why he's now going through a divorce.

Penned my message carefully and will send before I go out with my family this afternoon ... gives me time to breathe and relax before reading his reply. I will give him the opportunity to respond but ready to block if needed.
Thankfully we never got to the stage where he came to mine so he doesn't know where I live.

NewLifeNell Sun 06-Nov-16 09:30:30

Agree with last post. I am same - too nice - it's part of my identity. i totally feel for you not wanting to dump him by text, but don't be tempted to try to let him down gently, or he won't go!

smilingeyes79 Sun 06-Nov-16 09:31:34

**Damelo - thank you, plenty of food for thought

Damelo Sun 06-Nov-16 09:41:59

Glad I haven't offended you!
It's not like I get it right myself! I've been dumped twice in 2016 and I'm going to the cinema later with some guy who seems nice but they always do to begin with right!? I might test him. See if he'll assemble a book shelf for me before I get too emotionally involved! or let me borrow his car or something.

A girl at my old work did that. She has no fear of being too much trouble and it was interesting to watch and got me thinking. She got this guy to assemble her garden furniture that had been sitting in a box in her shed for three months. As she watched him assembling her garden furniture in the cold with no idea what was in it for him, she thought, God i fancy you now. THEY are still together!

So i am beginning to think that expecting people to go out of their way for you is the way to go. It's counter intuitive for me though. But I'm working on it!

smilingeyes79 Sun 06-Nov-16 10:11:46

Definitely not offended but a little surprised at how easy it was for him to abuse my niceness and for him to think his behaviour is fine / normal hmm

Muddlewitch Sun 06-Nov-16 23:36:23

People that are that entitled never do though. They have usually been that way all their lives and so don't see it as anything unusual or abusive, just as them getting what they feel they are entitled to and take it completely for granted.

Think about when you open a door or flush the loo, you don't feel appreciative of it, do you? It's your door/loo in your home and is fulfilling the function of what you got it for. If it doesn't do it one day we are confused and annoyed, because after all, that's what it is there for. People like this man and my ex feel like that about everything, including actual people. They don't see people as people, just as more things to fulfil the functions they want. It is horrible but it is how some people are, not a reflection on you at all, it's all on him.

Hope you had a lovely day out, don't give him any more thought, you deserve much better.

smilingeyes79 Tue 08-Nov-16 20:43:29

Well after a day of silence and me making it clear I'd not be seeing him again he has decided .... he wants to reconcile with his wife and has talked her into counselling. Obviously she is easier to manipulate and abuse that I was going to be !
Thanks for all your support and straight talking. I just hope his wife can be strong with him now too.

Muddlewitch Tue 08-Nov-16 22:06:09

Oh my goodness I really hope for the wife's sake it is a good counsellor that will help her see what he is like.

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