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Divorce hell

(26 Posts)
Enough101 Sun 06-Nov-16 07:22:58

I recently told my emotionally abusive husband that I want a divorce. He will not move out, we do not speak in the home. 2 young kids. Since I told him, he has made serious and false allegations about me and my family members. Has decided to work from home and keeps muscling in with the kids. He will not discuss arrangements for them with me or mediator. Has been doing everything to get the kids on side by buying sweets and treats, promises to take them places when it's supposed to be my day to do things with them. Added to this, he hangs around the home all the time to be on hand to play (should I make the fatal mistake of trying to do a bit of housework), and I just cannot keep up in the 'who can do the most activities' competition. I work full time. Until my announcement, he was out of the house early and home late. I did EVERYTHING in the home and for the children. I am now panicking that his attempt to take over might mean he is given residency if this goes to court. I really wouldn't mind if I thought it was all genuine,but I know he's doing it to punish me because I don't want to be with him anymore. I feel like I am drowning. Anyone had a similar situation? If so, how did it work out?

jeaux90 Sun 06-Nov-16 09:03:39

Sorry OP I'm sure someone else will be along with some good advice soon. Not been in your shoes (well I sort of have but I took my child and left because I wanted it to end the abuse etc)

In the meantime I am sorry you are going through this and have a big hug. Xxx

QuiteLikely5 Sun 06-Nov-16 09:07:36

Do you own the home? If not can you consider leaving?

Sounds like he is resistent to divorce

Have you seen a solicitor yet

Bluntness100 Sun 06-Nov-16 09:08:04

Maybe not to punish uou, but to bolster his case to keep the kids, yes. Clearly I think he doesn't wish to move out.

So you have made your announcement, he has retaliated and made his. What else have you done please? Have you consulted a solicitor? This would be the next step.

Enough101 Sun 06-Nov-16 09:27:21

Thanks for your replies. I have seen a solicitor and started proceedings. He's only started with the variety of malicious allegations since then and I know anyone looking at the situation objectively would think why are these issues only being raised now. However, he is a dreadful bully to me and is a very angry and aggressive person. Hence the fact I don't want to be with him. He is very resistant to the divorce but I have spent years trying to fix the situation and not upsetting him. I just don't want my kids brought up in that kind of environment. All of a sudden, he is taking them everywhere, doing washing, etc. These things never happened before. Some may think he is trying to show he can do these things. But he's then gone round making horrific lies and involving the authorities. I could never forgive that.

Enough101 Sun 06-Nov-16 09:30:26

By the way, the house is jointly owned

bikerlou Sun 06-Nov-16 09:34:44

Don't leave the home whatever happens, I did that and OH got custody even though I took ds with me. I won it back eventually but it was grief I did not need. My advice to you is make copious notes about everything you can remember from the past and what is going on now and obviously keep them well hidden so when it coomes to the inevitable custody hearing your solicitor/barrister can make a good case for you keeping the children.
I also gave up work to win my case. It meant a few years of being skint but if they play dirty so can you.

FV45 Sun 06-Nov-16 09:39:47

I will respond to this later. Yes, I have been in v similar situation.
Am out now, though residency issues of DS2 remain.

It was very, very hard. Do you have support, someone you can go to locally just to cry or let off steam?

God...this is bringing back awful memories.

HolyshitIfuckedupbigtime Sun 06-Nov-16 09:41:10

Yep seen this happen to not 1 but 3 friends, husbands suddenly can work from home and go for 5050 or more. It sucks.

Potentialmadcatlady Sun 06-Nov-16 09:41:46

Don't even rise to his 'efforts' with the kids....I had plaited/brushed/styled my daughters hair every day for 8years, he hadn't done it once in those 8years....after our separation ( he was still in house) he was plaiting her hair and she was so excited! All of a sudden the man who was rarely around was free to play with the kids/take them swimming etc etc..It's very hard but you need to maintain structure/routine/rules etc for the kids and it will benefit both them and you in the long term...my kids 'Dad' has tried every trick in the book along Disney Dad lines but 9years later both my kids are now teenagers who are decent well behaved empathetic kids who know their boundaries and most importantly know to ignore all their 'dads' nonsense...to the extent that they cut contact altogether with him this year after he upped the anti and sent police to my house because I was 'harming them'.. They now openly talk about how they feel safer here because they knew they were looked after/fed/loved etc with no strings attached..that they can be themselves warts and all and not have to worry about silly behaviour from him..
It's really hard but for your kids sake you need to stand firm...

Enough101 Sun 06-Nov-16 10:07:30

I am standing as firm as i can. I have already submitted a court application which lists a number of incidents. I feel like an outsider in my own home. I have always been the one who arranges the kids lives, medical stuff, etc and I just feel completely helpless in this situation. My main fear for the kids if they had to spend too much time with him is his temper. He has used silence as his main choice of punishment for minor issues, ranging from days to weeks at a time. As the kids get older, he will do that to them. He has cut off his own family and has had a bloody good go at doing it to me and my family, except we do not operate in that way. Its just been awful. I knew he had the potential to do this, but never imagined the severity of what he is now doing. I am doubting my own parenting now since the kids were born. I know I am a goof mum, obviously not perfect, but the kids are safe and happy. Or at least were happy, now they know something is not right, but cant tell them as they will ask what will happen with them and i have no answers for them. I voluntarily went on the SPIP and mediation and invited him, but he just keeps putting obstacles in the way. I am trying to do the right thing by my kids. I just want them to be happy and emotionally healthy.

Potentialmadcatlady Sun 06-Nov-16 11:16:13

Enough..it's truly awful I know...you sound like you are doing a fab job..I'm sorry if my post came off not supportive- I didn't write it very well...what I was trying to say is that I know just how hard things are for you and the kids now and how hard it is to keep going but it will be worth it in the end..I have had 9 years of hell from my ex...I finally got my divorce a few months ago...financially he has destroyed both himself and me and he has not provided any financial support- he's happy to let the government look after his kids while telling everyone who will listen that he is a great dad...he's not...but what I was trying ( unsuccessfully ) to say is that you can get through this and you can get your kids through this in one piece....and eventually ( although it can take a long time) the kids will see for themselves who their 'dad' is...I never bad mouthed my ex to my kids ( that nearly put me over the edge), I sucked up exh nonsence and his constant ridiculous 'I'm the man and you will do what you are told behaviour' ,the kids didn't know about the financial pressures I was under just to try and put food in their mouths while he complained they weren't wearing designer clothes like his girlfriends daughter was...I have lost my pension,my job, my house and my car BUT I have the kids and they have finally grown up enough to see what he's really like...they now just see him when it suits them...he has damaged his own relationship with them ( I tried so hard to make sure that didn't happen) but as another wiser Mum told me 'you can't have his relationship with them for him, all you can do is keep them safe and support them if he upsets them,all you can do is listen when they need to offload about his nonsence'
Thankfully my ex did move out after a few months of staying in house and being ridiculous about things- my solicitor sent him a letter advising him that it 'was in the best interests' of the children for him to move and he did....it didn't stop him continuing his nonsence but at least when front door was shut and locked we got peace...
It's so not easy and it's not going to be over quick but you can do it...I thought I couldn't but I got there and my kids thank me for it now and that's worth every single one of my sleepless nights panicking about how to keep us safe and warm and fed..
Hugs

PeppaIsMyHero Sun 06-Nov-16 12:09:11

You're doing the right thing: just keep focusing on being the great parent you've always been to your kids. Try and basically ignore anything he is doing - it's not a competition and the kids will want boundaries, consistency and time to talk to you about how they're feeling above any amount of treats that he can shower on them.

If he wants to plait her hair, then great...just let him. Be the consistent, calm, communicative and loving parent and this will work out.

XXXX

Enough101 Sun 06-Nov-16 13:19:02

Hi Potential, thanks do much. I didn't find your first post unsupportive. Its a comfort to know st least that everyone in these situations panics! Xx

Crazeecurlee Sun 06-Nov-16 15:14:19

Hi Enough, I'm so sorry you're going through this, it sounds dreadful. Don't leave and don't try to play these games with him. He is clearly getting off on it. As he wasn't that involved before there is only so long he can keep it up. As he has only recently started working from home, hopefully the courts will see through that when deciding custody. It sounds like you are doing a fab job with the kids. Good luck to you x

Crazeecurlee Sun 06-Nov-16 15:14:41

*Don't leave the house I mean.

FV45 Sun 06-Nov-16 15:50:00

I did leave my home a few times. In the last weeks I was there only to sleep. I have much evidence that this was for my own MH NOT that I had abandoned my children.

Being told I would lose residency of my kids if I left felt like a further lock on the cage I already was already in.

Keep a diary OP.

Crazeecurlee Sun 06-Nov-16 17:11:15

FV45, if you are sleeping there does it count as leaving? I had always thought that, if it was for the good of your and your children's health then leaving would be OK, surely. But I have heard so many accounts otherwise. Was the diary enough to prove being out of the house was for MH reasons? Did not being at the house much effect your custody? Was it essential to sleep in the house to continue to be seen as living there?

OP, could you do something similar, in that you could leave the house during the day with the kids, and then only go back at night to sleep? That way you'd be leaving much of the atmosphere without actually leaving/moving out IYSWIM?

FV45 Sun 06-Nov-16 17:23:16

craze moot point as residency has not been resolved (I have a thread in Relationships). So I don't actually know. I'd like to think the law would be supportive if there is an EA background but my experience so far has not been encouraging.

FV45 Sun 06-Nov-16 17:24:34

I suppose I was thinking how easy it would be for him to say I was never there at meals times, bed time etc

FV45 Sun 06-Nov-16 17:34:32

I suppose I was thinking how easy it would be for him to say I was never there at meals times, bed time etc

Enough101 Sun 06-Nov-16 17:44:30

Well I do leave the house to go to work. I drop the kids a few days and he does a couple (this is new). I also pickup a few and him a couple (also new). All of these changes to the routine that had been in place only happened since I dared to say it's over. I always did homework, now he's muscling in on that too. I couldn't possibly leave the house, I wouldn't dare incase it is used against me, in the same way he is using everything else against me. It worries me to hear from FV45 that EA is not bring given much consideration. It's sad that the law doesn't see how those actions can impact on children. All their crap about new laws on coercive control, how are you supposed to prove any of this?! I don't even want to prove it, I just want to get away from it. The whole situation is sickening me to my stomach, I am waking up in the night worrying about it. And all because I have had the cheek to say you can't control me anymore. Xxx

Olympiathequeen Sun 06-Nov-16 18:12:00

Don't worry about the law on coercive control, your situation is to do with getting a divorce and the coercive behaviours, along with aggression form a good case for divorce.

Start making notes on how his behaviour was before he was informed of the divorce. Also in what way it has changed. How his behaviour affects the children. The allegations he has made with dates and outcomes.

The divorce will be straightforward it will just be residency of the children. Normally the mother gets this and it's only in exceptional circumstances the father. Your H will have to work too to support himself so he can't say he is a SAHF. Have you looked at finances? Would you be able to take over the mortgage.

Just try to ignore his child bribing antics. You can't change it so let it go.

Enough101 Sun 06-Nov-16 18:29:09

Thanks Olympia. My only concern is the residency as he now claims to work from home (even though he was happy for me to be running to collect kids from different locations for a number of years, can all of a sudden change his work setup). He is just such a liar and manipulator its unreal. I just want my children to live in peace. His. Behaviour has affected them and I have a log of everything, times, dates, what was said and how the children reacted. Yes I can take the mortgage over and pay him something too, not the full half of his equity, but a good chunk of it. If he won't take that, my equity and further mortgage is affordable for a similar place in the same area. When I am rational, I know he is doing these things to continue th bullying. When less so, I am terrified of what he will do next. All I seem to do is be putting out the fires he is starting. He is the biggest bully I ever had the misfortune to meet and he continues to try every trick in the book to this day. I am now thinking do I need to leave my job? Or see if I can work from home, although my job is very close to home. The routines have completely gone by the wayside, I am just trying to maintain some sense of normality for the kids but he is messing with everything.

Olympiathequeen Sun 06-Nov-16 19:06:32

Don't leave your job at the moment. It's very important you have financial security and getting another mortgage needs job continuity so don't cut off your options. I don't think working from home is a persuasive argument for keeping custody of school age children. Only if he had been a full time SAHF from babyhood would he have a chance. There will I think be joint custody but residency won't be dependent on his job situation. I think you will need to accept shared residency as there is not abuse of the children.

You are so right. He is bullying and manipulative and it always gets worse once divorce proceeding start. Call women's aid and ask their advice. They will also help support you.

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