Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Husband abusive?

(48 Posts)
bananamuncher Sat 05-Nov-16 19:09:13

Having a really hard time figuring out if my husband has been abusing me for years. It might sound strange but I don't feel like I even know who I am anymore. He constantly criticises me for stupid, irrelevant things, he controls the money, makes pretty much all the financial decisions even though he is crap with money, constantly tells me he can't afford things, even though he can afford to go out drinking or buy himself new clothes. Sexually he pretty much emotionally blackmails me into it, tells me that he "needs to feel close to me", that he feels unloved if I don't do it. He doesn't even seem to care that I am totally not into it. If we don't have sex for a few weeks he starts to get really arsey and sighs all the time, tells me I shouldn't "show" myself to him (as in get changed in the same room). He threatened to leave me because he "doesn't want to be in a sexless marriage" (after two weeks without sex, and I've been suffering severe depression which I am having counselling for, which he does not consider may be a factor at all). To be honest I've been thinking of leaving myself but it's not easy, I have no money and a small baby. Basically since I've been having counselling I've realised how shit and unhealthy our marriage is, but I keep questioning myself. He's always using really dramatic language, and trying to scare me into doing what he wants, he also stops me from doing things because "he'd be worried". I totally feel trapped, downtrodden, and alone. Is this abuse?

madgingermunchkin Sat 05-Nov-16 19:15:11

Yes. He is an abusive arse.

The best thing you can do for your baby is to leave.

rainyinnovember Sat 05-Nov-16 19:20:57

That sounds incredibly difficult and I'm so sorry you're going through that. How old is your baby?

OohhThatsMe Sat 05-Nov-16 19:21:17

I think your depression will miraculously lift if you left him.

Could you go to your parents' house?

PurpleWithRed Sat 05-Nov-16 19:21:51

Yes. Abuse doesn't have to be premeditated or planned, it can just be because he is a horrible person who thinks this is normal. Get out.

rainyinnovember Sat 05-Nov-16 19:23:15

Not everyone has parents, let's not jump to making assumptions.

flowers

ddrmum Sat 05-Nov-16 19:25:21

I think you'll feel a lot better without this man in your life. The freedom programme is a good place to start. They also do it online so worth a look.

QuiteLikely5 Sat 05-Nov-16 19:27:18

Did you know you can contact your local woman's aid and they can help you out here.

You are entitled to housing due to your domestic abuse. They will support you through the process

bananamuncher Sat 05-Nov-16 19:37:45

Going to family isn't really possible right now. The baby is 10 months old. I know I should get out but I feel so guilty. He says he doesn't want someone else raising his child, but I don't think it's a good environment for a baby to be in. I have very little confidence left.

madgingermunchkin Sat 05-Nov-16 19:49:13

Leaving him doesn't mean someone else will raise his child.

But quite frankly, he should have thought about that before being such a dick. If he wasn't an abusive knob, you wouldn't be contemplating leaving. It is not your fault. He has no one to blame but himself.

Cupcakesandscones Sat 05-Nov-16 20:04:34

Banana, yes your husband is being abusive and controlling. Please get in touch with Women's Aid for advice and support (freephone 0808 2000 247) and hide any trace of having contacted them. They can help you to leave/escape an abusive relationship - the most dangerous time for women and children flowers

Dragongirl10 Sat 05-Nov-16 21:26:38

Yes this is abuse op no doubt about it, a good relationship should make you feel good, a good marriage should be supportive and give you freedom to do the things that make you happy, a loving relationship is not about blackmailling for sex or anything else.

You have a very unhappy marriage and need to think where you want your future to be.

ChuckGravestones Sat 05-Nov-16 21:30:53

He says he doesn't want someone else raising his child

Well he would say that wouldn't he?

ponygirlcurtis Sat 05-Nov-16 21:31:27

Can you contact WA? You might think it's not needed/an over-reaction but it might help confirm that his behaviour is abusive. An email is fine.

I left my abuser when my baby was 5 months old. He's nearly 5 now. The last few years have been very contented emotions-wise.

Keep yourself safe lovely.

rainyinnovember Sat 05-Nov-16 22:36:59

What does he mean 'someone spekse raising his child'?

Can you explain a bit about what's happening in your relationship up to this point? flowers

SabineUndine Sat 05-Nov-16 22:52:33

Sweetie, that is a catalogue of abuse. Make plans to leave. You don't want to bring up a child with him.

bananamuncher Sun 06-Nov-16 05:55:00

He's just trying to make me feel bad. There's no one else involved. I have no interest in immediately starting another relationship. I just want to be on my own.

bananamuncher Sun 06-Nov-16 06:48:17

I've emailed Women's Aid. I feel terrible about it. I feel like I'm betraying him. It's awful. I just wish I could make him understand how his behaviour affects me, but he probably never will.

thethoughtfox Sun 06-Nov-16 06:53:29

Be careful to hide your trail emails etc, banana. And try to sort out finances and legal matters so you can leave on your terms. If he thinks you want to leave, he might start hiding money or searching through your things phone, emails, drawers etc. Good luck xx

handyman1940 Sun 06-Nov-16 09:38:22

It amazes me how many of you on here just come to the immediate conclusion that someone should throw their relationship/marriage in the bin and leave someone. Have you ever considered working though your problems rather than running away.

I would be very interested to know how many of you suggesting she should leave are sat at home alone with nobody in your lives?

Don't listen to them, marriage is about working things out through thick and thin not running for the door.

From what you say I am not at all convinced that he is abusive at all. He may not be perfect but who is???

Certainly not those on these pages all too eager to encourage us to make life changing decisions at the drop of a hat and without all the facts

bikerlou Sun 06-Nov-16 09:52:17

Yes it is emotional abuse and I suffered this for 17 years. I gave as good as I got but then that too is a hopeless situation, I would think who the hell is this harpy who is shouting at her husband in public, this is not me, this is not who I am.
His response to not getting the exact kind of sex he wanted was to go to BDSM nightclubs, try to pressurise me into going to swinging clubs and basically hinting that if I didn't join the programme he would leave which he did after 5 years of hell.
We did the things he wanted to do all the time, my needs were irrelevant and you do not know you are being coerced until afterwards.
It was only after looking at a forum he was on that I realised what he had been up to advertising his sexual services on BDSM sites that I realised the man I considered the love of my life was actually just a controlling non entity. Don't go where I have been - not only will you have to put up with his crap but you will turn into a person that you despise.

Cupcakesandscones Sun 06-Nov-16 09:55:12

Handyman, what planet are you on - the one where it's okay to abuse women??? What the OP has described constitutes abuse and coercive control and why the hell should she try and "work through it" with an abuser? If she is experiencing abuse she is not safe and potentially neither is her child. I suggest you visit the Women's Aid website and educate yourself on abuse rather than encouraging a women with a child to endure further abuse, which could easily escalate.

ChuckGravestones Sun 06-Nov-16 10:00:45

Don't listen to them, marriage is about working things out through thick and thin not running for the door.

No. Being in an abusive relationship is not about working things through. It is about self-preservation.

Certainly not those on these pages all too eager to encourage us to make life changing decisions at the drop of a hat and without all the facts

Most people who are in abusive relationships only post when at the absolute end of their tether. They don't tend to put all the facts in the first post because they are at the very end of their tether. See?

handyman1940 Sun 06-Nov-16 10:10:05

Cupcakes, no I don't think anyone should live with abuse, the point I am making is 'abuser' is a very serious accusation and I am not at all convinced that you or anyone on here understands enough about this to simply suggest someone to make decisions that will impact on her and her child's lives FOREVER.

Ending a marriage is a huge decision.

The first response to banana is 'he's an arse' and you should leave. WHAT?? are you serious???

Everything described by banana is fairly normal in my view.

He wants sex - normal
He criticises - normal
He makes financial decisions - normal for one partner to take the lead.

Banana feels downtrodden. Have you considered that me be more to do with you than him? Anyone who is depressed feels that way.

Banana has no money, so a life of council flats and single parenthood await you if you listen to this lot. Good luck.

bananamuncher Sun 06-Nov-16 10:21:35

Wow. Thanks for the negativity Handyman. I have no money because I didn't go back to work after my maternity leave ended, because I am having real mental health problems, also related to my living situation and my partner. I am an educated, intelligent woman, I am currently putting myself under extreme pressure to do a postgraduate qualification. I am more than capable of supporting myself and my child, I am just in a shitty situation right now which is stifling my self belief, my confidence and my abilities. Your attitude is so unsupportive, and while I thank you for your input, this bullshit about a woman having to put up with anything because she is married is outrageous, and outdated. The responses of these women made me feel supported. That is a valuable thing. You could easily have got your point accross without being inflammatory. Clearly you enjoy the drama.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now