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Partner prefers porn & other women over me...

(44 Posts)
user1478288675 Fri 04-Nov-16 20:21:01

My partner and I have been together for 3 years and have a 1 year old son together. Around a year ago I found out he had a problem with porn - he would be watching it most nights (until the early hours 3/4am). I do not mind porn per say, but we rarely have sex and I never feel sexy or wanted.

We had a big argument and he agreed not to watch it anymore as it was effecting our relationship. He watched it a couple of times after that but each time I found out and he swore he would not do it again. Recently I have noticed that he has been viewing Facebook friends pictures a lot and one can only assume what he is doing whilst viewing them. From what I have seen in his history he will look through hundreds of female friends pictures on Facebook, then delete his browsing history (or so he thinks).

I haven't confronted him about it yet. Like I said earlier, I have no problem with porn itself. My issue is we have had sex once since August and it really hurts me that he would rather look at female Facebook friends then be with me. I am very open about sex and willing to try new things, dress up etc.

What do you think I should do? I feel like at this point I have confronted him so many times, I feel so deflated. I have considered going to see a therapist but this would cost £80 per hour which we simply cannot afford. We have a 1 year old son together and I feel like I need to make it work. Has anybody been in a similar situation and how did you cope?

NotTheFordType Fri 04-Nov-16 20:36:57

How often do you initiate sex? What are his excuses reasons for turning you down?

user1478288675 Fri 04-Nov-16 20:41:54

I used to initiate a few times a week, but I would always get rejected. Usually he would say he was too tired, or it felt forced and he wanted to get in the mood 'naturally'.

Now I might try once a week. Sometimes not at all.

Threepumpkins Fri 04-Nov-16 22:36:39

Why do you want to "cope" with it?

You can't make it work, only he has the power to do that, but he isn't, and by the sound of it, probably never will.

JayneAusten Fri 04-Nov-16 23:12:00

You don't deserve to be made to feel like that. I'm sorry but it's unlikely to get better because it doesn't sound like he's willing to make any effort. You either need a clear plan - together - to get your sex life back on track, or you need to accept that this is your lot in life, or you need to leave and be happy in your own ways, separately.

user1478288675 Fri 04-Nov-16 23:50:57

I've had a big conversation with him tonight and this stems way beyond the porn and Facebook use. He has confessed to me that he doesn't like the feel of vaginas (it does nothing for him) and he doesn't like oral because of the smell.

I feel so s***.

user1478288675 Fri 04-Nov-16 23:51:07

I've had a big conversation with him tonight and this stems way beyond the porn and Facebook use. He has confessed to me that he doesn't like the feel of vaginas (it does nothing for him) and he doesn't like oral because of the smell.

I feel so s***.

CiaoVerona Sat 05-Nov-16 01:16:23

Well, hes pretty much said he doesn't like women one has to ask does he like men?

Anyways. I can see how you'd be incredibly hurt this is about him not you have you thought about asking him to leave.

I mean, am not usually one to say LTB in this instance it sounds like you its time to split up.

CiaoVerona Sat 05-Nov-16 01:17:15

Sorry a few typos and missed comas. Am blaming the fact its late.

deadringer Sat 05-Nov-16 01:37:24

What a wanker. At least now you know for sure that its not you thats the problem its definitely him. He doesn't like vaginas? Dump him and find yourself a real man, one who actually likes women.

HappyAxolotl Sat 05-Nov-16 01:45:32

I was in a relationship where he had porn all over the house but wouldn't come near me, and I'll tell you from experience to get out of there the minute you can, while you still have a few crumbs of self-esteem left.

HappyJanuary Sat 05-Nov-16 05:00:13

I was mentally planning a reply when I saw your update, which changes everything. The obvious conclusion to draw from his comment is that he prefers men, but how does this tie with him obsessing over the photos of female Facebook friends? How awful that he has kept all of this from you until now, but separation is the only option now surely.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Sat 05-Nov-16 05:15:05

Your sexual relationship is over. Think he'd mind you staying friends, parenting together, but you seeing someone else sexually? If he doesn't like vaginas there's not much to be done about it. Though if he's staying up all night watching porn I seriously question his parenting abilities as he sounds generally irresponsible/stupid. And really creepy he's wanking over your and his friends pics. Really creepy.

I can't count the amount of times I've seen women on here saying they have no problem with porn but their partners are not interested in them/having affairs/perverts/have no respect for women. Take this as a lesson for the future. Pick men who respect women and you'll have a better time.

Themanfrommancc Sat 05-Nov-16 07:52:28

3 years isnt that long. One wonders how it could have gone so wrong in such a short space of time? Anyway , it wont do. You need to evaluate whether to end this relationship or not. The suggestion that he doesnt like your vagina and therefore he must be gay is a big leap so i would put that aside for now !

What he present at the birth?

FerretFred Sat 05-Nov-16 08:06:51

What a wanker. Brilliant!

Anyhow. Not all men like giving oral sex, same as not all women like receiving it. I wouldn't say that he doesn't like women, after all I assume he is watching heterosexual porn.

A little bit of me always thinks that when people prefer porn to the extent it is damaging their relationship then they need to grow up.

You need to sit him down and find out exactly what his aversion is exactly to. You might never have oral sex with him. Is that something you can live without?

Its a bit early to be saying that you need to split over this but he does need to know that youre not feeling fulfilled and that it is causing damage. the ball is then in his court to rectify it.

Nottalotta Sat 05-Nov-16 09:49:28

I'd say not liking the feel of vaginas and not liking giving oral, is pretty conclusive that he doesn't want a serial relationship with a woman. I'd like to say that would be a deal breaker for me, but as I'm struggling to end my own shitty relationship, I don't know.

Saying that, three years isn't a lifetime. I would say it's time to move on if you can.

Crazeecurlee Sat 05-Nov-16 12:10:36

My initial reaction after reading your latest update OP is that there are lots of other ways to be sexually intimate with someone without giving oral and PIV as your OH has suggested. I have to disagree with previous posters as it doesn't necessarily mean he likes men (although he might) or that he doesn't want a relationship with a woman . He may not be sure what he is into in bed / hasn't had enough experience to find out. Exploring new ways to be intimate is lots of fun but only if you both want to; it is not your duty as a wife to try to discover what he is into at the expense of your sex life and self esteem. ATM he is absolutely taking the piss. He is being very imaginative when it comes to getting off alone and online and hiding it, but seems unwilling to put in the same effort into your sex life as a couple.

However, giving him the benefit of the doubt and that perhaps he really is just stuck and doesn't know what else to try...

Could you try mutual or simultaneous masturbation, instead of him masturbating over pictures of random women alone? Do you like porn? Could you find something you like a watch it together? I do find the comment about vaginal smell very strange and immature IMHO. However, there are these magic berry pills that make everything taste like berries (forgot the name, they are on amazon though), and he could out a scented breathable fabric around his nose or at the base of your stomach to offset the 'smell'.

I often hear of people talk about trying to spice up their sex life by getting dressed up and trying some handcuffs and ties, and nothing beyond that. Those ideas obviously do wonders for some but not for everyone and being 'adventurous' in bed can extend way beyond that. Sexual activity is hugely broad and if he's not into the more conventional types of intercourse there are loads of other things he could be into. Perhaps you could look into getting advice from sex positive and sex inclusive places, dedicated to talking about sex? I was helped massively by Reddit/r/sex. Mumsnet is fantastic for so many things but if you were both interested in expanding your sex life, it might be best to ask in other places too.

All the above being said OP, if your OH was actually interested in trying to create a fulfilling sex life and a better marriage he would be coming up with all the suggestions above. He would be investing his time visiting online forums where he can get advice on what he likes in bed and talking to you more about it rather than spending his time covertly getting off over his Facebook friends (yuck). As it stands you are now the one on an online forum seeking advice because he is being a selfish sneaky liar. If what he said in your previous update was all he said, it doesn't look great that he will even be interested in any of the above or even trying to explore anything else. Some people are just selfish and he has found what works for him.

Additionally, as I'm sure you know, porn can be a massive addiction, which he might need to get help to combat. He'll need to acknowledge it first, after which I would recommend you both go to see your GP to see what free help you can get. Ultimately it is down to him if he wants to change (which, to be frank, it doesn't sound like he does from your update) and if he doesn't then it is down to you to decide what it is you want from the relationship and if this is a deal-breaker for you. As it stands you would be well within your rights to walk away at this point; I couldn't put up with his behaviour at all.

Wow, sorry for the essay. I am really sorry you are going through this and I hope it gets better for you whatever you decide to do.

user1478288675 Sun 06-Nov-16 11:48:11

Thank you for all of your responses, it has been very helpful reading through them. I have a bit of an update so here goes...

UPDATE:

I had another conversation with him yesterday, trying to be calmer and get to the root of this issue. I basically asked him if he were gay, or had ever had slight attraction to men (which he denied). He said he was bored with our sex life, which seems strange to me as I am very open sexually. I have suggested lots of things to spice things up which he has denied, such as anal, dressing up, toys, positions the list goes on. So what I translate that to is he is bored of me, and the mundane sex we have because of him.

He also said he 'didn't want to lie there for 15 minutes masturbating me as he wouldn't get anything out of it'! I laughed and was absolutely fuming, so unbelievably selfish.

I am still willing to pursue the therapy route as I am hoping for our sons sake that there is some underlying cause to all of this e.g. depression, sex anxiety. If he is just a selfish man (which is what I suspect) then I am not sure there is much else to do other than separate.

Crazeecurlee Sun 06-Nov-16 12:02:58

Hi OP, I am to sorry to hear your last update. It sounds as if you are trying really hard but he isn't interested. I hope therapy works out for you. He does sound incredibly selfish though. Good luck flowers.

PoldarksBreeches Sun 06-Nov-16 12:07:13

Dude, this relationship is dead in the water. There is nothing to salvage here, unless you're happy with a completely sexless relationship?

brightspark2 Sun 06-Nov-16 12:12:06

Are these his Facebook friends or yours? My first step would be to block his access to my pictures - I would be tempted to warn mutual female friends of misuse of their pictures - not necessarily naming him but making it clear their images are being abused like this - yuk! How does he feel about you masturbating him? He sounds horribly sexually selfish is he that way in other areas too? I'm sorry to say it sounds like he has totally checked out and is there for his convenience only - I would kick him out.

PoppyPicklesPenguin Sun 06-Nov-16 12:18:39

You poor thing, I was in a relationship like this for way too many years, I lost all my 20's and a bit of my 30's. it may sound dramatic but it destroyed me for so long, I ended up having no affection for over ten years, I see posts like yours and I what I see clear as day now I never saw in my own relationship.

The man you are with is a selfish arsehole, many men get just as much pleasure pleasing their partners sexually (although I did think this was a myth until I met my now DP) as they do from the pleasure they experience themselves - it's a two way street, your not just there for him to do his thing and then rollover, it's equally about you as it is about him. He is just selfish and cruel, I'm not sure how he can proclaim to love you when he is more interested in treating you like a blow up doll.

I know you have a child, but i am very much of the view it is better to have happier separated parents than parents staying together and witnessing at least one being deeply unhappy and emotionally abused.

I'm so sorry your going through this, please understand you deserve so much better this

Aussiemum78 Sun 06-Nov-16 12:21:40

My ex was like this and shredded my confidence.

He just was extremely shallow. Wanted a perfect looking girl who hadn't aged or given birth despite being overweight and a shit partner himself.

Get rid. I spent way too long blaming myself and feeling shamed that I was too gross to sleep with. Then got replaced as soon as I left.

And a small tip. He's not happy now. I will be.

user1478288675 Sun 06-Nov-16 12:24:31

I hope therapy works too, although I am doubtful. It seems like I am just delaying the inevitable to be honest. I would rather we separated whilst our son is still too young to really understand (he is almost 2 years old).

The Facebook friends are women he went to school/university with and their mutual friends. He denied to me that he has done this recently, even though I found he had been looking through hundreds of photo albums of them. I can't be bothered to argue, he always lies about his porn/facebook habit.

He doesn't like me masturbating him as he has a particular way of doing it that he is unwilling to share with me. He is affectionate in other ways - kissing, cuddling but that isn't enough for me. I constantly feel ugly, fat and worthless because of his lack of sexual desire towards me.

Bluntness100 Sun 06-Nov-16 12:30:59

Although he says he is not gay, which he would do, not liking female anatomy or wanting oral or wanting uou to touch him or sharing with uou what he likes would indicate otherwise. I'm sorry.

Straight men like vaginas. No two ways about it. They like them a lot. He's not straight, and he's not asexual because of the porn. By default, there is only one option left. Even if he denies it to himself. The guys gay.

One things for damned sure, it's not you. And the face book thing is just weird.

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