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No idea which way is up

(12 Posts)
stayorgoagain Fri 04-Nov-16 10:57:29

This is a long post please bear with I can't quite believe this has all actually happened and I am very confused.

Back story- My h and I have been together for 15 years and have 2 dds 9 and 6. H had an affair 4.5 years ago after a breakdown, death of his absent father etc. I decided to stay and we spent 2 years in counselling and some how made it through to having trust love, support and frankly a really great marriage again much better than what we had previously. Renewed our vows and I have frequently commented how lucky we are to have managed despite it all to get to this place.

This year has been hideous my best friends son was diagnosed with cancer(I set up a charity for them and have spent hundreds of hours raising money and organising special treats.) our home flooded as did my best friends. I was bullied at work and nearly had a break down. All through this my h was my rock, just wonderful, cooked, cleaned, looked after dds, helped with fundraisers, planned little treats for us and literally got me through. I never had to worry about anything other than dealing with the shit at work and my friend. In August I decided to leave my job and take a huge pay cut in order to not lose my mind/life to stress. H supported me with this and we decided that although things would be tight they would be manageable.

Cut to this week, on Tuesday I get the call I have been dreading my Godsons cancer is terminal and there is no more they can do for him he has a few months left. I call my mum and she breaks down because she has been needing to tell me that my Dad has been battling with alcohol and gamble addictions for the last year and there was never the right time to tell me. I then have a funeral to go to literally an hour later (another friends mum.)

So I go to the bank to get some money to find that all the pins/passwords have been changed and lo and behold my 'wonderful' h has fucked up with our money by near enough clearing us out of savings and taken out a loan for £5k as well. All the money was spent on those little treats and also quite a bit on helping my friend put her house back together after the flood (no insurance) I fully take responsibilty for the money as I knew we were over spending and I just couldn't deal with it and I know he is crap with £ I usually manage it until things hit the fan. Its not the end of the world and I don't care about the money at all, I have a car I can sell which will put it all back and I understand he was doing his best.

My problem is the lies- I asked him straight out about money he lied. I told him I felt too happy and I was waiting for the sky to fall on me- he lied. I told him how lucky i felt to have him- he lied. I told him that whenever I rely on someone they let me down, whenever I am not responsible for everything things go wrong and I was so lucky that I could rely on him- he lied.
I feel like there is no way back from here but I also don't know how to move on without him, my dd are going to lose their friend, their grandad is going into rehab, how the fuck do I leave now. Should I leave at all? It doesn't feel like a good enough reason to leave h spent all our money helping a dying child and his mum- but it has wiped out the last 4 years of work and I feel so alone.

charlotteswigwam Fri 04-Nov-16 20:53:02

so sorry that no-one has replied yet. Hopefully my replying will give it a bit of a bump... I completely see why the lies would really have upset you, but at the same time one of the things that really stood out was the bit where you say you nearly had a breakdown. You were under a hideous amount of pressure (still are) and it sounds like he was trying to protect you - in a misguided way since its all blown up now. Can I ask, if you had known about the money situation before what would you have done differently? Would you have stayed on in your job of example? Because if you had, then maybe you wouldn't be in the financial pickle you are now but equally things could have been a lot worse - an actual breakdown could have damaged your career and your ability to earn money for a long time to come and would mean you would be in a worse state health wise than you are now.
I'm not saying he did the right thing by lying by the way, and I honestly don't know whether its better to stay or go but can I suggest you don't make any decisions now? You are still in the middle of a godawful situation and its likely to be really hard to engage with your emotions or think rationally on the subject as there is so much other shit going on. I think maybe battening down the hatches and riding out the storm might be the best course of action for now. For what its worth, "a good enough reason" can be as simple as something you consider to be a red line - regardless of how anyone else feels - but I don't feel like you are in the right place for deciding whether his lying is a red line now.
Finally - and apologies for this as I know not everyone can afford/access counselling, but if you could get some I think it would help. Grief/bereavement counselling possibly or some other form. You could also look into counselling in your marriage as well - even without the lies about money, it would be a good idea given the battering you have both had, and especially to work through the lies etc - but right now I think the priority is to be as kind and as gentle to yourself as possible

Jayfee Fri 04-Nov-16 21:15:42

As an objective comment, it seems to me that you take on too much. The result seems to have been that your husband got left with more than he could manage and did his best. It seems you are usually his rock. Of course it is important to help friends and family, but their problems should always be more theirs than yours. Your family and husband should come first, everything else second. Don't judge him too harshly. You have both made mistakes, in my opinion. Time to move forward together.

WorriedWife2016 Fri 04-Nov-16 22:48:57

Yes sounds like he has held the fort the best he could and tried to protect you.
I am sorry to read about your godson, that is difficult to deal with and incredibly sad.i honestly think you should work through this one,I think intentions seem good.you both sound like your trying very hard to support others but maybe not looking after yourselves

stayorgoagain Sat 05-Nov-16 02:09:13

Thank you all for your comments I have had a lot to drink(out with friends) but I will be back in the morning to digest all the lovely advice given.

HappyJanuary Sat 05-Nov-16 04:52:44

'I fully take responsibilty for the money as I knew we were over spending and I just couldn't deal with it'

I think this is the key really. You wanted to help your friend, you wanted to change your job and take a pay cut, and you enjoyed the treats. On some level you knew that all of this was unaffordable but were too preoccupied to address it until now. Throughout, your DH wanted to support you and couldn't bring himself to say no to any of it.

I can see why it was a shock, and why the lying might be particularly upsetting after the affair lies, but agree with others that this is something to discuss and think about before you make any big decisions.

How would you have felt if he'd told you you couldn't help your friend, or needed to stay on at the job you hated?

ovenchips Sat 05-Nov-16 05:41:58

I agree with other posts.

Also, I think in some way you are characterising your husband as lying to you multiple times. I'm not sure I would characterise it like that. It's the same 'lie' isn't it? Surely then, anyone is 'repeatedly' lying when they conceal something for a length of time? Even though it's just the one thing they are covering up?

I imagine what's happening is you are getting an awful trigger back to his deceit when he had the affair and the lies he told then? That's what's making it intolerable.

This is not that situation though. It really isn't.

Obviously only you can decide about whether you want to continue in the marriage, but your description of recent times very much reads of someone (you) who has maybe given too much of themselves to others and become very burnt out, and whose husband has tried to carry you through it and part of that has resulted in him being foolish about money. So the 'lie' he's told has been to make your life less stressful, rather than for his own sake. I think that's very different to the affair scenario.

I'm terribly sorry about your godson and the other things in your life that are difficult. But I get a v strong sense that you are close to it all overwhelming you. I think you might need to take a little time and space for self care and to recharge a little before you make any big decisions about your marriage. Please look after yourself!

category12 Sat 05-Nov-16 07:09:43

Your mum was lying by omission too, not to heap more worry on you. I think you have been in crisis mode a long time and you need to take a little time to yourself. I wouldn't make any big decisions right now.

stayorgoagain Sat 05-Nov-16 12:15:28

Thank you for all your kind words, it really has helped put some of it into perspective. I am not planning on making any major decisions yet, but worry that we might create a uncomfortable, difficult home environment for our dds as we try and figure it out. It feels like I have gone from having a 'perfect' family life to a disaster in a day. I was so happy, after leaving my old job and finally feeling like we were doing ok.

category- yes I am not upset with my mum I feel awful she has been struggling alone for the last year(she hadn't told anyone) I just feel it is another thing that I will have to deal with, my extended family rely on me a lot.

I do take on too much, and my friend's family are useless so I have done way more than most people. She is another person who relies on me a lot. She always has (shes a great friend but I am the fixer of problems IYSWIM) I am struggling to withdraw support now when she needs it most, I did take a big step back when I left my old job.
I think that is one of the issues ovenchips- If he had said 'no we can't do this or that' I would have said 'sod it we are' .Thats why I don't understand the lies. I know I was being unreasonable- I wanted to work less, do more/spend more and keep the savings with hindsight that was impossible.

I am struggling with worrying that every time I think life is going well something bad happens, that every time I stop being entirely responsible for everyone, every time I lean on someone they let me down. Am I expecting too much from people? My mum says that I have impossibly high expectations of myself and no one can live up to them.

ovenchips Sat 05-Nov-16 14:08:04

Hi OP. I think I replied on your thread because I recognise a lot of myself (or rather my old self) in your post.smile

I used to try to be everyone's everything. If someone had an emotional or practical 'gap' (eg your friend's family being a bit useless) well then it was absolutely my job to plug that gap, no matter at what cost to myself, no matter that I seemed to think I was also required to feel their pain with them, no matter that it was not, actually objectively speaking, my 'responsibility' to shoulder, etc etc etc.

It's bloody exhausting and I definitely found that I also got very disappointed and angry with other people when they did not then plug any and all of my 'gaps' when I experienced them. I was doing it for every single person around me, why could I not get a bit back on the rare occasion it was needed?

Then I started psychotherapy and started to see my actions in terms of the 'drama triangle' (psychotherapy term). 2 of the 3 roles in this are rescuer and victim. I had a lightbulb moment and realised how much I rescue people and how that puts them in role of victim (not taking responsibility themselves for figuring out how to plug their 'gaps') and how much I was starting friendships with people who were already firmly in their victim role and looking for a rescuer.

It's difficult and sort of impossible to explain the process of dawning realistion but it happened and it changed me. I'm a different person now, I do not automatically rescue everyone I care about (and those I barely knew!). I take care of myself and my needs (I was actually unable to do this before - was FAR too uncomfortable making for me). And I get a lot, lot less furious and disappointed in others when they do not 'rescue' me in a perfect and flawless fashion when I feel I need it.

I don't know if this feels familiar to you too, but I'm guessing it does?

Jayfee Sat 05-Nov-16 15:27:16

perfectly put ovenchips

stayorgoagain Sat 05-Nov-16 15:49:18

Yes that does sound very familiar. I never really thought of it like that. I try and fix everyone because I had a rough childhood that I managed to escape and move past and I feel so much guilt that not everyone has. There was some hard work from
me but lots of luck and the right people coming into my life at the right time. I know I could have ended up on a much different path with out them. My extended family got a rougher deal than me and I want to help them. There is now an expectation that I will sort everything and I have over the last few years really tried to not be everything but some how I get pulled back in. Eg my sister has gone to uni my dps never submitted their income so her finance wasn't sorted so I leant her the money, I also moved her into uni, and sorted out her finances. She's worked incredibly hard to gain her place and I couldn't see her struggle with no help or support I don't want her to struggle like I did. That appears to be my mantra.

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