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wanting a second child but partner going back on his word

(23 Posts)
emma567 Thu 03-Nov-16 23:19:08

we have a dc age 2.5, together 10yrs, lived together 5-6yrs. i have voiced to dp that i wanted two kids close together in age ideally before i was 30. dc was a surprise pregnancy but welcomed & very loved. anytime i have tried to talk to him about a second dc his response is always "wait and see". if i bring it up again its the same response. ive been on the pill 2.5yrs & told him i wasnt going to take it anymore due to acne & headaches and would like it out of my system, we also agreed that it could take a while but we would not be preventing nature but not actively trying either. all well and good til i try to be nice and iniate intimacey and immediately get shot down because im not covered by the pill & only showing interest because i want a baby. i tried to explain to him that was not my intention but its falling on deaf ears. he thinks that because i rarely initiate before then if i try now then i have an alterior motive. i rarely initiate as i do everything for our dc, keep the house & work 4 days a week. all he does is work 5 days & lay about with his ps4 or phone, doing very little to help me or dc. im debating moving home to my parents so when he comes home tomorrow we are gone & maybe give him the wake up call to appreciate us more because talking means nothing or solves anything. dont know what to do. if i do leave then he might be happy enough and then id have to come crawling back as he's very good at the silent treatment/huffing.
sorry for the long post

WorraLiberty Thu 03-Nov-16 23:27:22

we also agreed that it could take a while but we would not be preventing nature but not actively trying either.

Having sex with no contraception is actively trying for a baby, no matter how often/seldom you have sex.

i rarely initiate as i do everything for our dc, keep the house & work 4 days a week. all he does is work 5 days & lay about with his ps4 or phone, doing very little to help me or dc

So why the fuck would you want another child with him?? confused

You two need to sit down and talk about this urgently and in the meantime, definitely use some sort of contraception because it's pretty clear he really doesn't want another child.

emma567 Thu 03-Nov-16 23:46:04

i grew up an only child & really dont want the same for my child. i think he is afraid of commitments, it took until feb for us to get engaged (no prompting from me or anyone). i think if we were planning for our first child then it would still be very much "wait and see". we both love our child to pieces & are grateful for them being here & well, i could burst with the love i have for them. i love dp but its tough sometimes not being able to effectively communicate or reason.
i just dont know how to effectively talk to dp so that talking will have an effective outcome or a mutual agreement

LellyMcKelly Fri 04-Nov-16 03:13:52

Leaving in order to call his bluff is a dangerous strategy. What if he decides he doesn't want to get back together?

emma567 Fri 04-Nov-16 04:44:34

thats one of the things im afraid of too

whattodowiththepoo Fri 04-Nov-16 05:34:23

I think your nuts to want another child with this guy.

AmberEars Fri 04-Nov-16 05:38:16

Personally I'd struggle with the 'not actively trying but won't stand in the way of nature' approach. I'd want him to commit one way or the other.

madgingermunchkin Fri 04-Nov-16 06:00:00

He's not gone back on his word, he's just changed his mind.

He's allowed to do that.

Although why on earth you would want another child with this man is beyond me.

RebootYourEngine Fri 04-Nov-16 06:15:58

I am also wondering why you would want another child with him. He doesnt seem interested in the one you already have.

I think its ok if he doesnt want another child but he needs to be straight with you about it rather than 'wait and see'.

PoldarksBreeches Fri 04-Nov-16 06:18:24

You want another child despite the fact that your relationship is in serious trouble. That's foolish and selfish.
Focus on the child you have and how to have a good life, with or without the man.

Penfold007 Fri 04-Nov-16 06:40:37

Why do you want another child with a man who doesn't contribute to housework or parenting your existing child?
He's been honest, he doesn't want another child. Don't leave unless you are able to accept the relationship is over. He's right to refuse unprotected sex.

VikingVolva Fri 04-Nov-16 06:49:34

Well, at least he seems to have his head screwed on the right way that if you are not using contraception, then pregnancy is a possibility.

He does not want another DC.

So he's deciding that abstinence is the way to go.

That's the right thing for him to do, if he does not want to use condoms.

Do not try to pressure him into unprotected intercourse. Because he does not want another child. Not now, and possibly not at all.

Now I know all that sounds rather brutal, but it's essentially just the unvarnished truth.

You don't say anywhere in your post that he ever said he wanted to have a child (let alone two).

Moving out might be the right thing for you. But that's in terms of separating from a man who you find lazy and uncongenial.

SheldonCRules Fri 04-Nov-16 07:31:21

He's being sensible, he doesn't want a child so won't have sex unprotected.

He is right though, if you wanted sex knowing he didn't want a child you would use protection between you. The fact that you initiate when there is no protection in place does suggest it's for conception reasons only.

TheNaze73 Fri 04-Nov-16 07:35:59

What you are doing is wrong

WhiskyTangoFoxtrot Fri 04-Nov-16 07:46:10

You stop taking the pill, and only initiate sex when you think you might be fertile, and you wonder why your partner (who doesn't want another child at the moment) is not responding?

You sound as if you have little respect for him generally, so it would be incredibly foolish to have another child with him. Either fix this relationship or move on. You're close to treating him like a sperm donor, which is wrong. He's totally disengaged and isn't pulling his weight, also wrong. You need to sort out if this is a doomed relationship before adding another person to the mix.

emma567 Fri 04-Nov-16 08:04:28

thanks for the opinions. needed to hear other peoples thoughts

mrssapphirebright Fri 04-Nov-16 15:15:16

This sounds very similar to my dh when he was with his exw. Only he isn't a lazy git like you have made out your OH to be.

She was desperate to have a second baby and dh was not. His exw came off the pill unknown to dh and got pregnant. It didn't end well, he left her when the baby was 6 months old.

Be careful what you wish for, you may end up with the second baby but no dp. Being a single mum to two is a lot harder than being a single parent to one.

mrssapphirebright Fri 04-Nov-16 15:17:09

Also, if the problem is your contraception I.e giving you acne etc, then why don't you speak to your gp about other methods / a different pill?

Simonneilsbeard Fri 04-Nov-16 15:51:09

Sounds to me like you're trying to engineer an accidental pregnancy! And considering how you describe your partner I think it's pretty irresponsible. He doesn't sound very committed at all.
Also I don't think he went back on his word, he said wait and see...if it's not a yes it's a no! He doesn't want another child and you'd be bonkers to have another one with him.

Themanfrommancc Sat 05-Nov-16 08:00:19

These discussions should really have taken place before you even got into a serious relationship. I think this relationship is heading for rocky shores.

SleepFreeZone Sat 05-Nov-16 08:04:19

Do not underestimate the jump from one child to two. I've found it extremely difficult and that is with my DP totally onboard. I wouldn't want to be trying to force a second child in your situation, he will not help you and you will really need help.

TheNaze73 Sat 05-Nov-16 08:15:11

Op did theman He's changed his mind

Inthenick Sat 05-Nov-16 08:15:31

Emma you are getting quite a harsh objective look at the reality from these responses and I'm sure you are a bit heartbroken reading them. It's a very difficult position to be in, you have committed your all to this man and have a child already with him so the idea of NOT getting your second child and having family life with him must be shocking.

Objectively, and I don't know anyone who would be strong enough to do this, I think your best bet would be to straight up say to him that your expectations of the relationship and future are X and if he can't commit wholeheartedly to those fundamental things (second child and better involvement in running the home and family) you need to leave and give yourself a chance to meet someone who can give you a happier future.

I think it's most likely you will get pregnant again. He will never change and you'll have your two babies but a very so-so relationship for the rest of your life if he's too lazy to leave when you do accidentally get pregnant.

Rock and a hard place but do think seriously about what kind of life and relationship you want for the next 70yrs. You are young and everything you want us out there with someone else if this man can't give it to you.

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