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Advice needed:((12 Posts)
Never thought I'd be writing something like this , never thought I'd be in this position but here we go! Can't talk to family and friends but just want some opinions so low and confused and scared about everything but I'm not sure if I'm overreacting.
My boyfriend has an anger problem I've not been aware of until recently, he works longish hours although some weeks he only works a few days because of the amount of hours the previous week. Anyway. He cannot deal with tiredness and for months now has left me feeling so low even before our baby was born. I'm doing everything in the house, preparing everything, decorating everything in our new house, I've done it all, he does nothing because he works. So many times he has been borderline violent never hitting me but even when pregnant, he's even recently been kicking off and reacting completely out of order while our son has been in the house. The other day he even slammed and cracked the bathroom door whilst holding our baby, he was asleep and fine but it makes me feel sick to my stomach. He has never punched me and the occasions are few and far between but I keep saying I'm going to leave because I can't live like this I don't deserve this and then something happens again.
He always starts in an argument (usually about how little he helps or even just respects/appreciates me ) and knowing what he's like I just try to get away to cool off but he always blocks door ways etc off so I can't get past him and he's 6 ft 3 so it's intimidating and I'm trying to push past him and can't and get panicky and that's when he starts grabbing me back or pulling me or even sort of hitting me because he's saying I'm doing it first but I'm just trying to get away and he's not letting me and being in my face. Anyway I forgive and forgive although j say forgive he's never showed any emotion he's never begged me to stay or said he understands why I feel the way I do he just comes home and ignores the situation and in the end I move on too because it's easier to be stuck in the house with him then. He's mean. He's lazy, whenever we argue he just starts acting like he doesn't care or even says horrible things to me as the mother of his baby it breaks my heart. He says a few days or weeks later whenever it is that he only says things in an argument to 'hurt me' like that's ok ...but I would never do that to him or anyone I cared about or even somwone I didn't ?
Tonight he once again left me doing everything round the house after a nice day together, I'm just clearing all the shit he's left and tidying and finishing the jobs he's started in between looking after and bathing our baby and feeding our kitten. I got angry once again tonight while I was doing everything and he was just sat in the living room on his phone and then he started saying why am I stomping around why am I not talking etc etc, all I was doing was all the housework he left me to do, it's almost like he probes me because he knows he's wrong , I dunno. So I said to him how I find it a bit upsetting or hurtful that in running round doing everything mainly the shit he's left while he just sits there looking at things on his phone, and that was it he started on me saying how i just 'go on' all the time and that he's not going to do anything at all any more. I came upstairs out of his way and he came storming about and took the phone charger from me and went to the other bedroom to sleep, I went to get the charger off him since he has his own in there anyway and he threw it at me so hard that I have 3 marks on my arm from the plug. From this I started shouting and getting upset because only the other day he was saying how he'd seen the light and realised what he was going to lose and how things are going to be different from now on and less than a week later he's acting this way, he didn't say sorry I thought him doing that would have made him then snap out of it and realise and beg for forgiveness or something but he couldn't care less, he could see I was in physical pain and just said 'I didn't mean to' but didn't say sorry. He then went to bed and just the fact after being the way he is he can just go to bed and sleep after hurting me just makes me sick that he's not cut up or making the effort. He's just acting like he doesn't care. I have started to pack up my things because I think I need to go home to my parents or something with my baby and even the cat as I don't want to leave her here, but even that couldn't spark a reaction from him he's just started ripping light bulbs out and they're breaking in his hand, he's saying I'm inconsiderate for having lights on when I'm packing my things because he has work in the morning, and now he's just gone to bed and couldn't care less. Is this abuse? I know to some it might seem a dumb question but he just says I'm sensitive or I'm always going on or whatever, all he's said tonight is that I've caused all this but I don't think I have. He's told me if I leave tomorrow I will never see him again Because he's going to kill himself apparently. I said he's just trying to scare me but he said he's been thinking about it for a while because his life is so shit. Now I'm laid here crying worried about everything including my baby and thinking how can he say his life's shit when it's me dealing with all this on my own, it's me away from my family and friends and basically living a life (if you could call it that) being his scivvy because he doesn't respect me or the house, and bringing up our son basically alone because he's selfish and never ever deals with him unless we're getting on really well again and he has a few days off, in which case hell feed him a few times, but other than that I'm completely alone.
Am I being dramatic as he's making out? The way he's so aggressive and nasty and then cold and doesn't even care at the thought of losing us makes me think not but I just need advice I never want to tell anyone this stuff because I always believe when he says he'll change and I therefore never want everyone's opinions of him to have changed and my life be even more tense with everyone I love being aware of how I feel or how things sometimes can be at home. Someone help please I'm so gutted its come to this again because I believed his lies like always and forgave him like always, but then the way he makes me feel saying I cause everything makes me wonder if I am just I dunno sensitive or inconsiderate?
To add, he's not been at work today or yesterday so it's not like I started nagging him once he got home from a long day or something,
Please don't blame yourself for this. He clearly has problems that pre-date his meeting you.
Do you think you're safe tonight? If you don't, you can call the police and ask them to remove him.
Don't worry about him saying he'll kill himself - it's something that's said to keep partners in line. He won't do anything - he'd rather take it out on someone else.
Do you think you could put the light out and get into bed with your baby in the room with you? Put your phone under your pillow. Is he in another room?
Hey Yeah I'm in the spare room with him my boyfriend is upstairs I'm very certain that I'm safe I know he won't come down to go near me he has his little blow outs and then just goes to sleep because that's all he cares about , i won't hear a peep from him tonight now, won't hear anything until tomorrow night if he comes back or if I'm still here should I say
You are in an abusive relationship. Please phone Women's Aid when away from your house and garden for information and practical support 0808 2000 247, available round the clock. They are quieter at this time of day.
You need to break free from this awful situation and protect your DC. There is someone out there who will respect and value you, unlike this excuse for a man. Keep strong and keep posting - there is support here for you on Mumsnet if you want it.
Just read your full post. He assaulted you, throwing the charger. Please report it to the police on 101 tomorrow during office hours and ask to speak to the domestic violence team. Or if you feel in immediate danger, including intimidation, don't hesitate to phone 999.
Please stop making excuses for your boyfriend. He has an anger problem because he can, because no-one has ever told him it's not ok. He can control it if he wants, I don't imagine he gets angry with other people, just you. It's because he chooses to treat you this way.
Make no mistake, his aggression will escalate into violence. I am shocked he slammed the bathroom door so hard it cracked - while holding your baby. This behaviour will PERMANENTLY affect your baby's brain development causing him to feel stressed and anxious all his life.
Trust your gut feeling. You are right, you and your baby are at high risk of harm. When BF is not around make that phone call as soon as you can. There is lots of support out there. Start with the police and Women's Aid, they will signpost you to people who can help you. Or tell your health visitor or GP.
It's not your fault and you are not over-sensitive.
He won't kill himself. They always say that.
Phone 101 for the police now if you are worried about trouble kicking off when you try to leave tomorrow. The time around leaving is statistically very risky for women in dangerous relationships.
Women's Aid can also advise on how to get out safely.
Oh, Jess. I feel for you. You're right. You're in a crap relationship with a man who bullies you and is borderline violent. He hasn't punched you. Yet. Would you bet any money that he never will? Because I wouldn't. You're describing a man with big anger issues.
The business with your baby is very worrying. A big bloke can kill or injure a baby very easily indeed, and if there's shoving going on, anything could happen.
I think going home to your parents with the baby and the kitten is the best thing you can do. Sort it out quietly - don't have a row with him, just basically sneak off while he's out or asleep. Then just go. Good luck.
People who really want to kill themselves are much more likely to attempt it without telling anyone, than to go round telling people they want to do it.
People who tell their partners they want to kill themselves to make you stay with them are just trying to manipulate you.
I agree with the previous posters here. He more than likely will NOT kill himself and is very likely using it as a means of getting you to stay. But, the real and main question to ask yourself here is: Do you feel safe around him? Do you feel safe having him around your children? If you answer no right away, then you need to get away immediately. If not permanently, at least for the mean time.
You and your children's safety and health are #1 priority here. If you have even the slightest bit of fear, you need to do EVERYTHING in YOUR power to protect you and your children. Please have someone their to support you. Whether that be a close friend, close-trusted relative, coworker, or even law enforcement...Do not do it alone.
I also highly recommend looking into getting some counseling here as you do not want this type of dysfunction to pass down to your children as they will eventually see it for themselves.
I'm sorry you're going through this, but please know that you and your children deserve much better. Your boyfriend may need to seek some serious help if he truly loves you, but do not stay in the relationship just because he's the father. At times, especially in cases where there's this type of violent anger involved, risking safety is not worth it.
Keeping you in my thoughts and be brave! Stand up and get the support you need to get through this.
I also think you should leave quietly. Don't pack in front of him. No arguing. I wouldn't trust him. That smashing the light bulbs is very odd and worrying behaviour coupled with him pushing you around. Protect your baby and go.
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