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Blocked a friend.... feel shitty but had to

(55 Posts)
isthismylifenow Wed 02-Nov-16 11:13:27

Since being separated from stbx, for some reason a friends dh seems to think its his responsible to keep an eye on me, at first I didn't think too much of it, would pop in every now and then, message to see how things were. Then he was messaging every day, then making up excuse to come to my house for this, that or the other. Then went to messaging every morning to say have a good day, during the day and last thing at night.

I have found out that he has been stalking me on whatsapp and messenger, ie I was online and he messaged me and I didn't read or reply to his message. He had gone through his list of mutual friends, found a number of a divorced dad we both know, then he gave me the third degree about him, and what a awful shit he is etc. I wasn't even talking to him, but friends dh claims we were going on and offline at the same times...so he was clearly watching my status. Same on fb messenger, I was on there and he sends a message saying, see you are online shock.

After a recent party he and wife had argument. She doesn't like fact that he chats 'so many woman'. I don't blame her and have said so. I got a blow for blow account of their fight, including him telling me that his dw had chucked him out the house. I know that he was waiting for me to say, oh come around here, ill put you up. Except I didn't. He kept messaging saying was hungry, had no food, sleeping in car etc as dw chucked him out. I replied 'sorry' and left it at that. Next day all is sorted out and it appears he went home that night, clearly didn't get his way to come here, so made up with dw and all is sorted.

So I told him, we cannot chat anymore, not fair on wife (I thought she knew we talked from time and time as dw and I are friends too).

Now the messages coming through are just pure pathetic. 'you are my only friend', 'I NEED you' what he needs me for, fuck knows (to which I did reply that need and want are two different things.) Anyway, I just can't do it anymore and now have blocked him as its just getting so ridiculous.

So why do I feel so crappy about it???? I know I am a sucker for saying no to people as I am a big softy, but I hate being put in this position. Stalked, creeped out, got placed in the middle of a fight between him and dw.... but still, yet I feel shitty about it.

What's wrong with me?? FGS for the first time in 20 years I have some space (separated) and now I get lumbered with someone else's husbands shit.

Oh and on his whatsapp profile pic today is a sad emoji face as I haven't replied or read his messages to me WTAF!

Stormwhale Wed 02-Nov-16 11:16:35

Tbh you should have done this a while ago. It should not have been allowed to go on this long.

He's a creep, stay well away. The level of contact is completely innapropriate.

HateSummer Wed 02-Nov-16 11:17:28

Sounds like a psycho. Block and avoid. No need to feel guilty.

FatOldBag Wed 02-Nov-16 11:20:05

Fucking hell. I think you should show the wife the messages. If she's a friend, you'd be doing her a favour. What a massive bellend. Btw - it's not you, it's him, obviously!

HuskyLover1 Wed 02-Nov-16 11:22:35

He's trying to get in to your knickers.

Sadly, there are a breed of men, that prey on women who are going through divorce, as they know they are likely to be vulnerable.

harrypoooter Wed 02-Nov-16 11:23:17

You should contact he wife and show her. You've been fair and nice to him, now you need to be fair and nice to her and give her the full picture x

ManaFleet Wed 02-Nov-16 11:23:42

Definitely, definitely don't feel crappy about it. Invite wife for lunch and show her the messages. Make it clear that you're not trying to cause trouble but you want to be open about the situation:

"I'm sure bonkershusband has told you that I've blocked him and and I just wanted to tell you why. I'm not accusing him of any untoward intentions but it just got a bit too much" - then show her the messages. He almost certainly has NOT told her that you've blocked him but this will show that you are assuming it's platonic.

ToujeoQueen Wed 02-Nov-16 11:25:25

I don't blame you, stalker territory.

ManaFleet Wed 02-Nov-16 11:27:04

Definitely, definitely don't feel crappy about it. Invite wife for lunch and show her the messages. Make it clear that you're not trying to cause trouble but you want to be open about the situation:

"I'm sure bonkershusband has told you that I've blocked him and and I just wanted to tell you why. I'm not accusing him of any untoward intentions but it just got a bit too much" - then show her the messages. He almost certainly has NOT told her that you've blocked him but this will show that you are assuming it's platonic.

isthismylifenow Wed 02-Nov-16 11:27:46

I have screenshot all the messages, as I have no problem to show them to his wife, but it seems now she is avoiding me after their fight. I saw her twice at the school, waved and she just blanked me. I feel awful, as I like her a lot and now this has happened. I have never led him on that there is anything more than just friends (we are a group of friends and we often get together).

Phew, at least you agree with me, but I am feeling shitty about it. You are right, I shouldn't have let it get this far.

isthismylifenow Wed 02-Nov-16 11:31:30

Mana, thanks, I was thinking of inviting her, but didn't know how to really bring the topic up... its not nice to say, not to hear.....

RockinHippy Wed 02-Nov-16 11:34:15

YADNBU

He sounds like what my own DH would refer to as "a back door man" ie, he presumed you were vulnerable after your own break up, something he felt he could use to wheedle his way into your pants - you did the right thing blocking him!

Bluntness100 Wed 02-Nov-16 11:39:47

I wonder if she thinks something is going on between uou, or she knows that he likes you, some women will always blame the woman for that, even if uou did nothing.

I agree with the others, you shouldn't have been responding to him, im guessing if he was texting good night, you were too.

I wouldn't tell her, I'm sorry, but I would ignore his texts and cut all contact with him and I'd continue to be friends with the wife. You say she waved and blanked uou, could she think you did the same to her? Make an effort, but don't end their marriage by telling her. Don't get involved.

YuckYuckEwwww Wed 02-Nov-16 11:59:10

he may well have told her that you're stalking him, so that if you ever did say anything you'ld be instantly discredited in her eyes. Not just that, if he's covering his back by making you out to be the loonie it may have spread within the community so you do need to get this straight now

The message above is spot on IMO, the one about "I'm sure your DH has told you I blocked him……." - do that.

Keep a diary of times and dates of any other ways he tries to contact you, you may need them for the police later

reallyamazeballs Wed 02-Nov-16 12:02:57

I agree not to get involved. She'll sadly probably blame you. I had the same years ago with a friends boyfriend when I was single. They've been married for years now, so glad I didn't say anything. Keep blocking him. Don't engage. He's probably said something about you to her to preempt anything you might say to her. Just keep acting normally to her, avoid him and be more confident in future about telling these creeps where to go. Congrats on your new found freedom! wine cake

isthismylifenow Wed 02-Nov-16 12:36:08

Yuck after what I have seen, I don't doubt that he is capable of something like that, he is manipulative ... comes across that he wants you to feel sorry for him all the time, hard done by. Can you believe that he even told me he has only had sex once this year. I laughed it off as a joke and said well that one more than me, but I definitely see through him now.

Really Thanks, a lesson learned from this.

skilledintheartofnothing Wed 02-Nov-16 12:51:39

I think you have done the right thing OP.
I found it pretty sick how many men were wanting to 'look after me and see if i was alright' when my husband and i split up. Then they also started with the things are hard at home, we don't have sex anymore, blah blah blah

isthismylifenow Wed 02-Nov-16 12:59:44

Then they also started with the things are hard at home, we don't have sex anymore, blah blah blah

Yes, why oh why, when we are just getting some freedom and dealing with our own drama in life, do they think we would consider them... i.e someone else's shitty husband....

I am really anti men right now..... sad, but true!

YuckYuckEwwww Wed 02-Nov-16 13:03:13

This is how many divorced women find themselves outcast by the more insecure married mums at the school gates, and these rumours don't die

OP I'ld seriously nip this in the bud now! His wife obviously believes what he's told her about how, I don't think her blanking you is a coincidence because you accidently blanked her etc.

Send her the message and screen shots, then, even if she doesn't totally beleive you, she will still think twice before blabbing about you being lonely and going after everyone else's poor gullible helpful husbands! - then before you know it your kids playdates are drying up

This happens ALL THE TIME don't think it wont at your gates…

skilledintheartofnothing Wed 02-Nov-16 14:42:18

yes...take the advice above. It was like a circle of assumption

Men - Oh she's on her own now she will be greatfull for a bit of attention and an easy target. Now's the time to be her friend and hopefully she will be that flattered i might be in with a chance.

Women - Oh she is on her own she will be desperate for a bit of attention and will want to flirt with everyone /sleep with everyone to prove to herself she is still attractive as she will be scared of being on her own.

Obviously not all men/women think like this but i was shocked at how many did. Felt like screaming "iv'e just got rid of one ars*hole , i have a no sodding interest in yours"

FatOldBag Wed 02-Nov-16 18:58:27

I would text or email Mana's message pretty much. "I'm sure X has told you I've blocked him on FB/WhatsApp (or whatever). I'm sorry if this has offended you or him but the frequency and nature of his messages were starting to get uncomfortable. I can show you all the messages if you want to see them. They're not overtly inappropriate but I'd certainly want to see them if it was my husband messaging someone like that. I hope you're ok".

isthismylifenow Thu 03-Nov-16 06:16:07

Skilled

I agree with every word of your post. The amount of married woman "friends" who won't speak to me now is just ridiculous. My neighbour for one, used to chat in the street quite often, the day she heard stbx had moved out, she does her best to avoid any contact with me. I also didn't get invited to quite a few events with a group of friends, as they are all couples. I feel like screaming out or writing a big sign on my head saying, ffs, I am not going to attack your husband the minute you turn around. Its actually the furthest thing from my mind to get involved with any bloody man right now..... in fact they are probably safer with me than with any other woman, as nothing is going to happen...

Thank you Mana and Fatold, I am going to steal your wording as I am going to have to contact her. Ill leave out the inappropriate part, as there were a few there which I ignored.

I am glad I posted here actually, thanks all for the responses as I really don't have anyone to talk to about this irl, anyway most of my other friends are friends with him too, so it would make it awkward to talk to them. I was feeling crappy for doing the block, now as I read back what I wrote, its like a weight lifted from my shoulders.... now I am just plain angry. Angry is good right? I am a typical redhead.... takes me a while to get to a point like this, but when I am there, its not that good for the person on the other end......

GeordieBadgers Fri 04-Nov-16 14:27:00

Update?

isthismylifenow Sat 05-Nov-16 14:44:03

Geordie

He was at school on Friday when I fetched my ds which is odd as he doesn't fetch his dc usually. He parked down the road, but opposite so he could see me. I just caught sight of him out the corner of my eye, but he then drove past me, I was chatting to another parent who had parked next to me. As I have blocked him on WA, he has probably tried to message me. I received an text saying "I tried, I waved, you ignored'. I have since blocked him on text too. My teenage dd then came to me and said that he said sent her a message via FB messenger, which she had to install on her phone to read the message. I told her to uninstall it immediately, the fucking cheek of it. I don't want to involve her in the whole saga so I will unfriend him from her phone when she doesn't have it with her. He has now sent me a message too on messenger. Its seems he is persistent if nothing else ffs. I haven't seen his wife yet, we have so much on this weekend that I really haven't the time to meet up with her, so I will see how it goes next week.

I have a very good male friend, been friends since we were young. I chatted to him about it, as really it feels he is the only one I can tell irl as he isn't connected in that circle of friends. His words were, as a male himself... 'he is a creepy freak and is preying on you, he wants to get into your pants.....' hmm

MarchEliza2 Sat 05-Nov-16 14:51:50

That's disturbing that he is attempting to use your DD to get to you. Keep well away. I wouldn't rule out telling his wife everything ( showing her texts) but to be honest it might be worth spelling out to him that you feel is is bordering on stalking you and any further attempts to harass you (especially through your children) will be met with legal action.

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