Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Ex abusive partner has new girlfriend

(26 Posts)
Chirstmascake1 Tue 01-Nov-16 14:26:13

We've been apart about a year and have a DC. We have been spending some time together recently that's been ok, but he's now met someone abroad. I believe he has narcissistic personality disorder and I know this is the best thing. But I am still spinning out. Help, experience and advice please! sad

herwegoagain123 Tue 01-Nov-16 14:39:34

Think of the reasons why you parted and think thank god he will be doing the same to someone new and not you. If you thought he would change and you would get back together this is your answer. He has no respect for you so detach detach detach.
Go NC as far as you can.

Chirstmascake1 Tue 01-Nov-16 14:56:46

It's so hard not to think "maybe it was just me that wound him up". "Maybe he'll be a happy person with this new girl". confused

hellsbellsmelons Tue 01-Nov-16 16:22:24

No he won't and you know it.
He's a Narc, they are never happy.
They always have to drag people down.
He will do the same to her. Guaranteed!
Unless she is also a Narc and he gets a taste of his own medicine.
Either way - win/win for you!

mrssapphirebright Tue 01-Nov-16 16:26:27

I am watching this post with interest. I have been NC with my narc MIL since March, my dh since August. I am absolutely dreading xmas and any potential shit that will probably come our way.

We too live 10 mins drive away from the inlaws and my dh lives in fear of bumping into them etc.

LouSaint Tue 01-Nov-16 19:38:38

I'm in the same boat. My abusive STBX is with a woman aged 26, a barmaid in his local, he's 45. He has been constantly abusive to me, we were together 24 years (on and off) married 15, 2 DC's -but I'm beside myself with jealousy, I can't explain it, I'm on Anti-depressants. I should be thinking 'poor cow' she's going to get the same treatment eventually. But I can't seem to get past the 'rose-tinted spectacles' I literally span out when I found out, so you're certainly not alone in this at all X

stubbornstains Tue 01-Nov-16 20:57:26

Weird, me too. It is really really fucking hard. DC1's father was abusive (we only had a brief relationship, then he got together with someone else who was as awful as him TBH, then he got together with someone seemingly nice who he has been with for several years and they have a child together.

DC2's father was also abusive, in a different way (Mr Sensitive vs the Player/ Demand Man for those who've read Lundy Bancroft!), and I left him after 2 and a half years, while I was pregnant. He was still spending loads of time with us (as I was trying v.hard to keep him more and more at a distance) and now he's got together with someone, and I'm finding it really tough!

Why??? Yes, it's partly the nagging "Is it me? Will he be all perfect with someone else?" thoughts. It's insecurity, isn't it? Do these abusers target us because we have these insecurities, or is it that abuse fucks with your head?

LouSaint Tue 01-Nov-16 21:18:26

I think it's a combination of the abuse, and the low self-esteem that must be a factor in attracting these 'men'
I've read the Lundy Bancroft book too, but it doesn't make it any easier to bear.
I guess it's the thought that they may treat the next model better, that the newer model is somehow better in some way.
I think when you are constantly belittled, it must (it does) have a terrible effect.
And it's the bloody cheek that they get to swan off apparently happy with no ill effects! It's not fair!

stubbornstains Tue 01-Nov-16 21:46:58

Yep, that's what gets me.....they get to act atrociously, and then they're the first ones to get a shiny new happy relationship sad.

But, I keep thinking...I'm reflecting on my relationship with no.2 a lot at the moment. He really, really, really wanted kids. He loves DS1, and has both the DC EOW (and one night in the week). We had to try pretty hard to conceive DS2 (I was 40, he 45 at the time). He loved, loved, loved spending time as a family. It was incredibly difficult to stop him from hanging out with us playing happy families all the time.

And yet.....he destroyed it. He fucked it. He broke our relationship. Now he's with someone who looks older than him (and he's 47 now)- he tends to go for older vulnerable women- and who has teenagers. He won't be having any kids with her. It seems unlikely that he'll have any more kids with anybody, not being the type who goes for younger women.

So, he has destroyed his last and only chance of living the happy family life he seemingly craves so much.

I'm waiting for counselling to sort out a few of my issues and make me stronger.

rememberthetime Tue 01-Nov-16 22:09:56

Oh, me too. My ex H of ONE MONTH announced yesterday he has decided to start online dating...just to see what happens. Despite his controlling and EA behaviour and the fact I left to protect myself and my daughter I am still devastated. Couldn't stop crying yesterday.
I see my counsellor tomorrow to work thru why I feel that way.
I think it is the fact that he is being so nice to me since we parted and I believed he wouldn't do that to me so soon.I forgot that deep down he only thinks of his needs and that this is probably a great way to prove to me I made the wrong choice. It feels like punishment - just like everything he ever did was.
The thing is that he seems to be the perfect man...other women will love him. But his veneer will slip eventually but in the meantime I will have to see him lived up and with someone who thinks he is fantastic. I don't think can bear that.
He says it is the natural progression. But after one month out of a 16 year marriage?

Chirstmascake1 Tue 01-Nov-16 22:38:30

I hate the fact that he will be doing his charm love bombing for her and as she is far away she will think he is the best thing since sliced bread. Like I did. It will take longer for the mask to slip. He also liked the family time, as did I. But I'm not playing happy families with him anymore. Not fair on DC. Need to go no contact. A few years of abuse must have taken its toll on me. I have an insecurity I never had before. Am also rebooking to see my counsellor to sort some of this out...

Chirstmascake1 Tue 01-Nov-16 22:40:36

stubbornstains did you seek help between 1 and 2? How long between the two relationships? I am petrified of trusting men and making the same mistake again.

rememberthetime Tue 01-Nov-16 23:20:14

I am thankful I have a great friend who keeps reminding me of his bad behaviour. I keep forgetting - even the worst of it. But i think counselling is a great idea. Mine has seen me through the last two years and without her support I never would have left. I would be a crumbling anxiety filled wreck about now.
I will come back and report on her advice on how best to deal with these feelings. I think it might just be a case of time doing the healing.

Chirstmascake1 Tue 01-Nov-16 23:41:02

there are some great you tube videos on this, which are helpful.

Isetan Wed 02-Nov-16 04:35:50

If you truly believe that your Ex is a Narc and understand what narcissistic personality disorder is, what on earth were you thinking that 'spending time together' would end up looking like? He's an Ex for a reason and it appears that you had difficulties acknowledging this and that your poor boundaries allowed yourself to be sucked back into a situation where you'd end up getting hurt.

Hopefully, you've learned your lesson and with support you'll really start to move on but you are going to have to understand your role in your current situation first.

Good luck.

Chirstmascake1 Wed 02-Nov-16 08:40:38

I suppose I hung out for hope that he would change and whilst neither of us seeing anyone seemed ok to spend time together. Mourning the dream.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 02-Nov-16 09:07:47

Also look into doing the Freedom Programme.
It's run by Womens Aid.
You can do it on-line.
Should help you avoid getting into relationships with abusive men in future.

rememberthetime Wed 02-Nov-16 12:22:04

Isetan - it is very easy to look on a relationship of this type from outside and see exactly how to avoid the heartache they cause. But what nyou might no understand is that these men are very skilled at sucking us back in. They crave the attention and will do anything required to get it.
They also choose women who are fundamentally lacking in confidence and then seek to destroy us further.
Even if we get out of the relationship - we are hardly in a fit state to protect ourselves from them and while we try to learn from our own mistakes - we still struggle with the up and down behaviour they exhibit. it confuses and makes us remember the good times - the bad times seem to disappear. it is a confusing time and to suggest we should just learn and move on is a little lacking in understanding of the dynamics..

My counsellor was helpful. She pointed out that him getting into a possible new relationship after one month apart is very wrong and shows that he is avoiding the pain and bereavement he should be feeling after our 18 years together.
She described it as being on a path. We are both on it and it is long and hard. He has chosen to step off the path becuase he can't stand the pain. But I am choosing to just keep going and that I will get to the end of the path quicker and he may never step back on it and therefore may never deal with the heartache he must be feeling - but is denying.
She agreed that this is a form of punishment on his behalf as he is tryign to prove his worth to me.
Additionally she pointed out that he is the type who needs constant validation of his worth and will do anything to get it from anyone else. But that now we are older - he may find that women are less likely to offer him what he needs. he may end up with someone very young and naive because she will lack confidence - just like I did.
She told me to feel the pain - to live through it and live with it. Because that will mean i can move on faster.But also to nurture myself and not dwell on the negative.

Hope that helps anyone dealing with this shitty behaviour and difficult feelings.

LouSaint Wed 02-Nov-16 14:42:21

*rememberthetime I'm with you totally on this. My STBX will be perfect at the moment with his new younger girlfriend. And he's blaming our marriage break-up 100 % on me. I ignored him, made him feel worthless etc. (In my rational mind I know it's because he was down the pub at any opportunity, spending £100's per week)
I've now been totally written off after 24 years. My STBX has a diagnosis of BPD, (I'd say he has loads of NPD as well) nothing is ever his fault.
In reality he's never going to change, my rational mind knows this, but my heart has yet to catch up. People who've never been in this sort of relationship can never understand what the aftermath is like for the other person.
I would say it's like an addiction. It's hard to break when you have children with these people.
I spend a ridiculous amount of time ruminating about our relationship, what he's doing now, and not enough time improving my own life.

stubbornstains Wed 02-Nov-16 20:31:22

stubbornstains did you seek help between 1 and 2? How long between the two relationships? I am petrified of trusting men and making the same mistake again.

Yes, I went to Womens' Aid, but I'm afraid even their counsellor didn't do it for me. I wanted to pick apart and understand what happened, and she wanted to do lots of woo visualisation that really didn't hit the spot for me hmm.

It was about 2 years between the 2 relationships. Thing is, I thought I was watching out, but no.2 was kind, sensitive, respectful, incredibly helpful, into me but didn't come on too strong, had had other partners who had previously been in abusive relationships, so was very understanding (yes, in retrospect this may have been a red flag, but an ambiguous one).....then, after 8-9 months the arguments started. At first I thought the fault was mutual, now I realise he was engineering them. Then there was a verbally abusive/ damage of possessions incident (in front of DS1 sad), and I dumped him on the spot.

BUT....I took him back, even though I knew full well that these kind of incidents are rarely isolated. Why??? Well, I was re reading his emails the other day, and they are a masterpiece of sincere love, remorse and genuine self examination.

But the real truth? I was 39 and wanted another baby, so was willing to overlook this obvious red flag. Obviously, after a short break, the verbal abuse continued. After a while I got pregnant, and after yet another deal breaking row, dumped him for good (although he continued to spend a lot of time with us- and to regularly verbally abuse me- until he met this woman, which has been the perfect opportunity to completely disengage).

Could I meet another abuser? To be honest, I could. Anyone could.I would challenge anyone not to meet XP2 and be struck by how nice, sincere, kind and sympathetic to women he is.\\\\\\\\(<kitten on keyboard!) But this time around, I don't need anything. No matter how clever an abuser is, I reckon the first red flags will start to show after a few months, and this time there will be no need to wilfully ignore them.

So....I think the ultimate gamble, in preparing to date again, is the willingless to possibly have to throw away a relationship of a few months. Not nice, but survivable.

stubbornstains Wed 02-Nov-16 20:37:10

(I think I got a "not" in the wrong place there ^, but hopefully you get the gist smile)

rememberthetime Thu 03-Nov-16 10:32:54

Better after a few months than several years!
I was feeling pretty sad last night and sent a long rambling email to ex asking for apologies and pointing out my fears, wishes, hopes and sadness. Big mistake.
The response was - "what do you expect from this email..." Short and not sweet. he seemed clearly irritated. i was probably interrupting his online date "chat".

Just feel a bit stupid and let my sadness get the better of me. Struggling at the moment - but know I need to ride it out and just survive it.

When one person has been your "go to" person for all your fears and emotional stuff, it is so hard to realise that they are no longer that person. Even when that person caused those problems - you still know that they are capable of easing them. That is what they do isn't it. they cause havoc and then like to be there to pick up the pieces. Well he has decided he doesn't want to pick up the pieces anymore. fair enough I suppose.

I am going no contact (unless about kids) for a while. To see if I can heal.

Strange - after one month I am constantly crying. Hardly cried at all until now. All it took was the clear message he is moving on - it destroyed the hope I had that he might change and realise his mistakes. I get that this is what is needed and that sadness must be gone through. But it is so hard.

After 18 years I know he won't accept his faults - I just hate that I took so long to realise.

Thank you for starting this thread. it is helping to know other people are further down the road and are coping.

Chirstmascake1 Wed 16-Nov-16 17:37:18

how is everyone else on this thread doing?

toptoe Wed 16-Nov-16 18:19:42

You sound like me a few years ago!! I said all those things, including will he do it to her or was it just me?

Fast forward a few years and they split. Low and behold she said he'd done almost exactly the same things to her as to me.

stubbornstains Wed 16-Nov-16 20:48:54

For me, it's definitely getting better. The pain is easing, I'm starting not to give a shit smile.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now