Depressed, relationship failing & can't see a way forward

[TiredMumToTwo]

In July this year I found out that the company my DH & I owned was in serious financial trouble. It was my DH's company originally & I joined a couple of years ago.

Basically he had run it into the ground, ran up debts & not told me anything of this (was v financially controlling) over a period of 2 years.
Result was, we've had to beg & borrow money from family, move out of our lovely home & life is v stressful at the moment.

I am now in a position where I am depressed (have had depression twice before and have been on tablets for years), angry at my DH for letting this situation happen and stressed to high heaven trying to keep going at work (full time), dealing with the kids (one of whom has just started in reception & is acting out massively) and worrying about money & our future all the time.

DH is now pissed off because I have become 'unresponsive', 'distant' etc. I don't believe I am in the right mental state to be making big life decisions at the moment - & couldn't afford to leave him even if I wanted to. I just want to 'put us on hold' whilst I deal with my mental health but he is constantly trying to kiss, cuddle, spend 'us time' to get us back on track.

I told him last night that I don't have the capacity to work on our relationship at the moment because daily life is exhausting me & I can't see any way out of how I'm feeling at the moment.
I just feel desperate, sad, lonely and entirely hopeless.

Anyone with any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

[TiredMumToTwo]

Anyone out there with any words of wisdom? Anything at all would help, first time posting in this section but was hoping for some rays of light that people have been all the way down & managed to get back up?

[BrioLover]

Bloody hell. I'm not sure if I could even look at DH if he did that to me. Has he taken any responsibility for what happened with the business/your home/your life or have you had to sort everything out? I personally think it's a bit much to expect you to be affectionate and 'get back on track' when you've had barely any time to get used to a new reality

[BrioLover]

Also: where are you living now?

[TiredMumToTwo]

Thanks for the response Brio, he did take responsibility to begin with - after a bit of coercion, we went to couples counselling (not our first time!) and gave a long speech about how sorry he was but now if I ever mention it (which I rarely do) he constantly minimises it. We are now in a smaller rented house (we were renting anyway so didn't have to sell etc) but basically my whole life has been turned upside down and I'm just trying to keep going for the kids and to work myself out of this mess. He's told me tonight that he doesn't want things to be like this and I said "join the fucking club", he really seems to want me to support him through this and work as a team but it's taking everything within me to not spend every day crying and at the end of a v long day I haven't got the energy or inclination to talk things through constantly.

[cheapskatemum]

Is there anyone you can trust to take the DCs off your hands for a weekend or something to give you a bit of time and energy to have those conversations with him? I really feel for you, but on the one hand you're saying he minimises the financial abuse and on the other hand you're saying you haven't the inclination to talk to him about anything. The DC starting reception might be acting out because of the atmosphere in your household, they're very perceptive like that! Please don't think I'm blaming you, but if he's willing to talk, that's a starting point & might be "the way forward" that's eluded you so far.

[TiredMumToTwo]

Thanks cheapskate, I think we do need to talk more but every time we do we seem to be at loggerheads, he thinks "by now we should be..." or "by Christmas we'all be..." and I can't say how I'm going to feel, all I know is that at the moment I'm miserable. He still seems in denial of our financial pressures / situation as he's always saying things are better now, we'all go on holiday next year etc. and all I can see is a pile of debt that we haven't even begun to pay off yet, it's going to take years.

[cheapskatemum]

I can see how he got into financial difficulties in the first place! Can you show him, calmly and matter-of-factly, the evidence which tells you that holidays and other extravagances are out of the question for a while?

[TiredMumToTwo]

I think it is the denial thing that is the real problem and how do you get someone who is in denial to accept the fact that they are? I kept on telling him at one point how we needed to cut out all unnecessary spending e.g. neither of us buying any clothes for ourselves and he kept saying well I can't agree to that, I might need something, I might need work shirts (which he doesn't, he's got a wardrobe full). I finally got him in couples counselling to commit to not buying any new clothes this year and ask for anything he thinks he needs for Xmas. He came home on Saturday and had bought both our daughters new sparkly jumpers from M&S - neither of them need any new clothes, they have wardrobes full. When I challenged him, he said it was from his budget (we've separated out our finances) and he could afford it, I wanted to scream as that's another £30 which could pay a bit more off a credit card!

[BrioLover]

Hmm. It sounds like you're doing all the work to be honest. You had to make him go to counselling, even now he doesn't spend prudently to be able to pay off the debts you're in. He does sound firmly in denial. I really think you need to spend time again to help him understand the impact on you. He cannot expect you to 'just be fine'. How on earth can you trust him for example?

I'm sorry, I'm aware I sound negative but have been reading your posts open-mouthed.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

I don't think that behaviour is denial. I think that behaviour is simply not caring. He knows that you will pay off the debt. He wants to have sex and cuddles while you pay off his debt and don't mention it. I am not surprised you are furious.

He wants you to support him through this. Well he can fuck the fuck off. He did this to you. He has to support you through it, which means grovelling and debt management and a hell of a lot of housework and maybe a second job for him.

[TiredMumToTwo]

Thanks for your messages, I do feel like he's expecting too much of me, every time I try to talk about it to him, he minimises what's happened or tries to turn it on me. Having moved recently and both having stressful jobs, kids etc. I don't think we have talked enough about it but I also feel like I'm talking to a brick wall sometimes and everything I say seems to get twisted. I honestly believe that he is incapable of dealing with all of this which makes me very scared for our future, it makes me sad as this is my second marriage so now have two kids by two separate Dads and really didn't want this one to fail as well - feel like I've made some bad choices which is now having massive impacts on my kids.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

There's no point arguing with a word twister. Actually that style of argument shows that the other person only cares about winning the argument. They don't care about solving the problem. They don't care about how you feel.

Raising children in an unhappy household is worse for them than seeing dad every other weekend and one night in the week.

Your DH made the bad choices. Not you.

[TiredMumToTwo]

Thanks rabbit, you're absolutely right about word twisting, I was actually planning on sitting down with him tonight and getting him to describe his "reality" as it really doesn't match mine and we're constantly talking at cross purposes because things that I know as fact constantly get questioned and then I walk away questioning myself. I've no idea whether he's doing it on purpose to come out as "the victim" or less to blame or whether he literally hasn't grasped the situation?!

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

literally hasn't grasped the situation It is tragic but that actual made me laugh out loud it was so ludicrous. Sorry.

Does he have very severe learning difficulties? You didn't mention any. No?

Well, that only leaves one other option then doesn't it?

[TiredMumToTwo]

I know! He's an intelligent man with a responsible, professional job (including managing budgets) but his 'grasp' of personal finances and personal relationships is fucked up to be honest - does leave me thinking I'm up shit creak without a paddle. I'm angry that 6 years ago when we met, I had my own place and a reasonably decent financial situation (it wasn't perfect but manageable) and now I'm screwed with no way out. I even said in the height of an argument the other day that even if we wanted to split up that we couldn't afford to live separately and he said "well I could afford it" - wtf?!!

[cheapskatemum]

Is he a fantasist? More seriously, if you skim through the "Well here it is No spend 2016" thread you will find people have discovered all sorts of reasons for spending money they really can't afford - or in some situations can afford, but realise is unfulfilling and unsustainable. You sound like the sort of person that wants to try and understand what's going on, in tandem with trying to stop it!

He has abused you financially. This is a recognised form of abuse and Women's Aid can help you and the DCs if you decide to leave.