I feel broken. I have name changed.
He's just driven off, I don't know where he's gone nor do I know what to tell our 2 dc in the morning. I suppose I'll tell them he's at work.
It's porn related. Please don't anyone come here and tell me I am over reacting as that is the last thing I need right now. Porn has been a thorn in our relationship for years. It has caused problems in our sex life and at times has caused me to feel useless, unattractive, resentful and him to be secretive and dishonest. Tonight I had had enough.
I tried to initiate sex/foreplay earlier tonight. He said no, he was too tired. I thought it was a little odd as we have been at his parents for the weekend and hadn't had any 'us time' so I thought he'd be pretty up for it but at the same time we have had a busy weekend so I understood. I was a little hurt but I didn't let on. I have low self esteem/confidence, but I have been working on it lately, seems like wasted effort now though.
He went to bed shortly after. I felt like he was hiding something so rightly or wrongly, I checked his phone and discovered that he had watched porn earlier in the morning (whilst we were still at his parents house) so that would explain why he wasn't interested in anything tonight. I started crying and shaking which woke him up and then he saw what I had found. He asked me if I wanted him to go and I told him to fuck off so he started packing a bag and off he went.
I feel so hurt. I dislike porn for many reasons but the fact that he uses it instead of coming to me, making our sex life suffer, making me feel second best, especially when I have been making more of an effort lately despite all my hang ups, hurts the most.
My mental health has suffered so much over the years and this is part of the reason why. Every time this comes up he promises he will stop, but eventually I find out he's been doing it again and it's just the same old shit over and over. I can't carry on like this.
I don't really know why I'm posting, it's the middle of the night and I don't have anyone in RL who I feel comfortable discussing this with. I don't know what's next for us. I love him but I'm hurting. I'm sorry if I don't reply but just posting this has been cathartic and has allowed me to calm down somewhat, so thanks to anyone who has read this far.
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Relationships
Dp has gone
nevergoodenough · 31/10/2016 00:11
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