Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Dp has gone

(49 Posts)
nevergoodenough Mon 31-Oct-16 00:11:28

I feel broken. I have name changed.

He's just driven off, I don't know where he's gone nor do I know what to tell our 2 dc in the morning. I suppose I'll tell them he's at work.

It's porn related. Please don't anyone come here and tell me I am over reacting as that is the last thing I need right now. Porn has been a thorn in our relationship for years. It has caused problems in our sex life and at times has caused me to feel useless, unattractive, resentful and him to be secretive and dishonest. Tonight I had had enough.

I tried to initiate sex/foreplay earlier tonight. He said no, he was too tired. I thought it was a little odd as we have been at his parents for the weekend and hadn't had any 'us time' so I thought he'd be pretty up for it but at the same time we have had a busy weekend so I understood. I was a little hurt but I didn't let on. I have low self esteem/confidence, but I have been working on it lately, seems like wasted effort now though.

He went to bed shortly after. I felt like he was hiding something so rightly or wrongly, I checked his phone and discovered that he had watched porn earlier in the morning (whilst we were still at his parents house) so that would explain why he wasn't interested in anything tonight. I started crying and shaking which woke him up and then he saw what I had found. He asked me if I wanted him to go and I told him to fuck off so he started packing a bag and off he went.

I feel so hurt. I dislike porn for many reasons but the fact that he uses it instead of coming to me, making our sex life suffer, making me feel second best, especially when I have been making more of an effort lately despite all my hang ups, hurts the most.

My mental health has suffered so much over the years and this is part of the reason why. Every time this comes up he promises he will stop, but eventually I find out he's been doing it again and it's just the same old shit over and over. I can't carry on like this.

I don't really know why I'm posting, it's the middle of the night and I don't have anyone in RL who I feel comfortable discussing this with. I don't know what's next for us. I love him but I'm hurting. I'm sorry if I don't reply but just posting this has been cathartic and has allowed me to calm down somewhat, so thanks to anyone who has read this far.

Lilacpink40 Mon 31-Oct-16 00:15:15

Lots of us have been there. Mine left 9 months ago (had an affair).

You sound like you may be able to get back together though. Once he's calmed down he may realise what he's possibly lost and want to fix it. Try to sleep if you can.flowers

OrlandaFuriosa Mon 31-Oct-16 00:18:17

if he is addicted to it, it will be harder for him to get rid of.

In the meantime, hugs to you. It's a horrid thing. Be calm for your babes, get a cup f tea, cherish yourself,

nevergoodenough Mon 31-Oct-16 00:20:10

He is texting me, telling me how sorry he is, how he 'doesn't know' why he keeps doing it, he needs help.

I have basically told him to go and get help then because I'm fed up with feeling second best to a fucking fantasy. I'm tired of forgiving him, then everything carrying on as normal after a couple of days. Except it's not normal is it, because it still plays on my mind every single day.

Thank you for replying. I really do want to work on this, I'm just not sure if it's going to work if he carries on with this 'I just can't help myself' malarkey and that breaks my heart.

Lilacpink40 Mon 31-Oct-16 00:23:29

Can he give you his phone in the evenings and weekends so he breaks the habit and you know he's genuinely not online?

nevergoodenough Mon 31-Oct-16 00:23:31

How does one seek help for a porn addiction? Would the GP be his first port of call? I have no idea.

I don't want our family to be broken up because of porn.

nevergoodenough Mon 31-Oct-16 00:29:28

I feel like that's infantilising him a bit. But then again we have a filter on our internet connection to block porn, which is kind of doing the same thing.

But then I found out he was watching seedy videos on YouTube instead so that was pointless.

He has just told me that sometimes he likes to look at other women and that every man is the same. I know that. It's normal for people to notice attractive people in every day life. But it's not normal to go online and seek out women (who look nothing like me and are far skinnier and more attractive than me) when he can have the real thing? That's bollocks. Absolute bollocks.

nevergoodenough Mon 31-Oct-16 00:34:56

Sorry If im rambling and not making much sense.

Somerville Mon 31-Oct-16 00:38:45

I would be angry if my partner chose to wank to videos of other women rather than have sex with me, too, OP.

And some people find that doesn't bother them, in which case fine. For them. But not for me. And not for you. So you're angry. And I'm angry for you.

I have no idea how to seek help for a porn addiction but doubtless someone will come along who knows about this. But I will say that conquering an addiction (if that is what this is) won't happen if it comes from a place of him wanting to change for you. He'd have to want to change for him. And while he's saying things like 'every man sometimes wants to look at other women' he doesn't sound like he does.

I think you did the right thing in telling him to leave. It's got you some breathing space. And I think you should consider hard whether there is someone in RL who you can open up to about all this. It seems to you, I think, that his porn habit reflects on you. It really doesn't. It's all on him.

nevergoodenough Mon 31-Oct-16 00:50:13

Thank you* Somerville*

I have been quite 'soft' in him in the past, usually because I'm so upset that I just want a hug and for everything to be ok and that I've mostly fallen for his 'won't do it again' spiel. But I have had enough, it's the same old shite over and over and it is damaging our relationship. So now I'm not being all nicey nicey about it because it's not helping anyone and I am not falling for him being all 'I'm sorry' 'you deserve better' 'I won't do it again' bla bla bla. As much as I hate the phrase I am telling him how it is and I hope it makes him feel worse because it's nothing compared to what I've been put through for most of our relationship.

Somerville Mon 31-Oct-16 00:54:04

Are there other issues in the relationship too? Not that him refusing to accept that he hurts you by using the porn isn't enough on its own. But just wondering if he's generally as selfish as he seeks to be about this?

Winniethepooer Mon 31-Oct-16 00:54:18

Im sorry tlyou gind youeself in this situation.

I do not feel about porn the way you do.
I think this is more about how you feel and your MH than your husband watching porn on his phone.

You need to seek professional help together.

Unless there are other issues at play here, are you really going to end your relationship over this?

You sound very controlling & anxcious.

Ginkypig Mon 31-Oct-16 00:54:26

Porn is not a problem only if it has no bearing on the relationship

In your case it massively does so you have every right to be upset!

I'm sorry your having to deal with this op, I hope either he accepts he has a problem and seeks help or you can move forward on your own (even though that will be horrible for you)

If you split, you will eventually be ok even though in the short term it will be tough and awful for you.

flowers

Winniethepooer Mon 31-Oct-16 00:55:10

Excuse typos!blush

Winniethepooer Mon 31-Oct-16 00:57:45

Imagine it was a man posting about his dp...

Imagine a man demanding his dp/dw had sex with him. Imagine that man had gone through her phone.

nevergoodenough Mon 31-Oct-16 01:00:07

I have not once 'demanded' sex from him, ever. You have no idea and have jumped to massive conclusions.

Please take your unhelpful goady fuckery elsewhere.

Frestelli Mon 31-Oct-16 01:01:31

Don't think OP has been demanding sex, she's initiated it, which is something completely different, and now feels incredibly rejected and horrible when DH spurns her advances after wanking off to porn instead. hmm

BastardGoDarkly Mon 31-Oct-16 01:10:38

Winnie wtf are you on about?!

Ignore the hand maiden OP.

I don't know how you make him choose you over porn, maybe you can't, but you're right to be putting your foot down.

I hope you find a way through flowers

Humblebee1 Mon 31-Oct-16 01:19:27

Never good enough, for a start you are quite right to feel the way you do and you have the same mindset as myself about this kind of shite. I'm sure most men's ego's wouldn't take kindly if the boot was on the other foot and they were denied any action.

SherlockStones Mon 31-Oct-16 01:24:07

I don't think the OP paints herself in a positive light to be frank.

You come off as very controlling, if he's addicted to it what good is telling him to do one, checking his phone etc going to achieve?

Doesn't seem like there's effective communication here at all.

herwegoagain123 Mon 31-Oct-16 01:25:44

I'm so sorry you are going through this OP. The thing is porn addiction can be a gateway to RL use of sex workers and I hope this isn't the case but I would check out ATM withdrawals phone records Sat nav etc.
Found heavy porn usage on partners history then found use of escorts going back 10 years.
Of course this might not be the case but just be aware. Also don't ask him. Try to find out first.

nevergoodenough Mon 31-Oct-16 01:26:44

He has said he is going to seek help, I have had a quick look online and it does seem that the first step is to see his GP and he does seem to fit what it says on the NHS website about sex/love addiction so fingers crossed. Our relationship hangs on this, I have made it clear that if he doesn't get help we are over.

He is still not home but I know where he is. I think I am going to tell him to come home but to sleep downstairs for tonight.

Thank you to everyone who has advised and hand held. I really appreciate it and it has really helped clear my head a bit.

nevergoodenough Mon 31-Oct-16 01:27:19

Sherlock If you have any better advice I would love to hear it? Rather than just telling me how awful I sound.

herwegoagain123 Mon 31-Oct-16 01:27:49

He is the one that's controlling OP by having a secret sex life for one.

SherlockStones Mon 31-Oct-16 01:30:56

Perhaps telling him to fuck off wasn't the best way to go about it? You said he'd "gone" as a thread title and just "driven off" when in fact you told him to do one.

As I said communication seems like it could be better as going through his phone is not right.

* herwegoagain123*
What sex life is that exactly? I don't recall reading he had an affair or is that just being assumed?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now