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Could I maybe have a hand hold?

(328 Posts)
Offred Sun 30-Oct-16 18:06:33

I think I have reached my gone too far and I don't care anymore moment this week. BF has a habit of repeatedly texting until I respond this occurred on weds evening when I was putting the children to bed. It was their usual bedtime and we have been seeing each other for over 3 1/2 years.

When I got the messages (asking how I was) I replied... then nothing for 2 days....

The next set of messages were basically about him trying to set up a weekend of sex where I would be required to pay for the accommodation. He has been obsessing over this for around a week even though I have not reciprocated any interest at all (going through a tough time ATM) and he is unaware I can hear him on the phone trying to be covert speaking to ppl while he was in the bath.

Friday is my graduation. I didn't really feel enthused about going to the ceremony but he (and others) convinced me I should and would enjoy it and said he would come to help mitigate the effects of seeing my mum.

I am graduating in Manchester and have had to arrange xh having kids for an extra night so I can go. Turns out he was trying to arrange accommodation in Stafford for the whole weekend despite me discussing childcare difficulties etc and him knowing it is my weekend with the children.

He basically jibbed me off on Friday and Saturday this weekend so I haven't given him the opportunity to do it Sunday as well and then just swan in expecting sex on Friday.

I just feel done.

I have spent the last month achieving a much greater degree of detachment and have been fostering some great friendships.

I am quite scared that I am going to get the fear like every other time and fall back into this really crappy relationship so please hold my hand?

This is the previous thread chain btw;

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2740624-It-has-all-got-worse

ImprovisingNow Sun 30-Oct-16 18:20:42

Well done. I've followed your other threads and you have had so much going on generally that it's not surprising it has taken you some time to address your relationship issues.

I think few of us manage to end a relationship in one swift decisive action, even though that would be better for us. I'm certainly guilty of letting my twatty exH mess me around for over a year even after finding out stuff which meant I knew it was over really.

FWIW I did come to the point where I absolutely knew that nothing he said or did could revive the relationship, even though it hurt. I hope you are at that point now, because the sooner you end it, the sooner you can start building your new life on your own terms. Believe me the headspace really is worth it.

You're a strong woman Offred (despite the name!) who absolutely can be fine on your own and you'll look back a year down the line and wonder what you ever saw in him.

Congratulations on your graduation. Studying with children and the other issues you have been through is not and easy thing to do, but you did it. Pat yourself on the back, step forward and claim your richly deserved prize. Then claim the even bigger prize of the life which awaits you.

Women on MN held my hand when I needed it and they'll hold yours too. We're always here!

Offred Sun 30-Oct-16 18:25:32

Thank you. My friend is encouraging me, despite everything else going on, to apply for a job (nothing fancy, office admin in primary school) and I think I might. It would be a great way to move forward and feel optimistic.

Joysmum Sun 30-Oct-16 18:54:36

What can I say, I love your your contributions to the relationships board Offred, and if I had a magic wand I'd cast a spell to make everything good for you because lord knows you deserve it.

My hand is here and if I could pass on my strength to get you through then I'd gift to you.

Do what you have to do. You know he's not worthy of you x

PoldarksBreeches Sun 30-Oct-16 18:59:15

I really hope you stick with it. He's a useless fucker and no good for you.

ImprovisingNow Sun 30-Oct-16 19:07:59

I'm a great believer that having a job (of any kind) helps with your self-esteem as long as it is the right supportive kind of environment so do apply if that feels right for you. I worked in a primary school as a TA for a while and thoroughly enjoyed it. Nice regular hours too smile

In the longer term though, I'd be looking for opportunities which might enhance your prospects in your field of specialisation even if you come at it somewhat laterally. Can you have a think about what skills are valued in your specialisation e.g research, HR, finance etc and look at job prospects there too?

Shayelle Sun 30-Oct-16 19:08:47

Hand hold here for you Offred x

Cary2012 Sun 30-Oct-16 19:21:58

Your advice is always insightful Offred.

Well done on your graduation.

And get that job and don't underestimate where it might lead.

I started as a part time TA with small kids whilst doing an OU degree. My degree gave me the confidence to apply for a PGCE, and here I am 5 years later a middle aged teacher! If I can do it a lady like you can achieve her dreams too.

Keep that bar high, value yourself.

And here's a hand, along with my admiration for completing a degree with kids!

Offred Sun 30-Oct-16 19:31:55

Yeah, I am working on things in my field improvising. I want to have something pedestrian to start to improve my confidence.

I did some work experience in something very esoteric - high profile DNA cases (law degree) and every one of the attorneys (in California) was impressed and is currently writing me a reference.

I still have work on their cases actually (voluntary).

I think this could be a great starter job.

Offred Sun 30-Oct-16 19:33:05

I am drinking some wine and watching films, no tears yet. Just waves of anger every now and then.

Teabay Sun 30-Oct-16 19:46:44

I remember reading your posts earlier this year, and it helped me.

Here's my hand to hold - I know that you already know which ending is best for you. The tricky part is getting yourself to that part - and we are all here for you. star

Offred Sun 30-Oct-16 20:33:50

Oh fuck he is here

Offred Sun 30-Oct-16 20:36:30

Crap he is crying

KatieScarlett Sun 30-Oct-16 20:37:49

Stay strong, you can do so much better than this. You are one of the good ones, not to be wasted on sub standard men.

notapizzaeater Sun 30-Oct-16 20:42:34

His crying is nit your problem, you can do this

Teabay Sun 30-Oct-16 20:42:41

He is crying for himself, not because he is in awe of the amazing woman you are.

Hold tight, be still.

Fuckingitup Sun 30-Oct-16 20:42:51

Sorry, serial nc'er but I have posted before.

You need to look after yourself right now. You are the priority here. It's easy for him to cry now. You are not responsible. Do not get sucked into a long headfuck discussion.

flowers

Offred Sun 30-Oct-16 21:43:09

Argh so basically he is saying he is sorry and he knows he has issues. That he will get help (I know) with them and he wants to cuddle.

PoldarksBreeches Sun 30-Oct-16 21:51:32

He needs to stay away from you. Give you space to think. Him asking for a cuddle is him asking you to make him feel better about treating you like shit.

RandomMess Sun 30-Oct-16 21:51:50

No, tell him to leave, NOW.

It is over you need your emotional energy for YOU and your DC... he's an adult tell him to f*ck off and deal with it himself.

Fuckingitup Sun 30-Oct-16 21:59:36

You had reached your limit Offred. You described it as a really crappy relationship. You felt done.
Is it all different now?

Offred Sun 30-Oct-16 22:04:42

No, it is all the same.

I still feel done. I still feel this is a crappy relationship. I am just a bit.. I don't know? Stressed? Pressured? By him turning up like this. I didn't think he would...

Stupid really because he has in the past.

Offred Sun 30-Oct-16 22:06:10

I feel so weak.

It's because I don't think he is a bad guy, he just had issues.

I KNOW that it doesn't matter at all why he treats me like crap, just that he does.

Offred Sun 30-Oct-16 22:06:30

And I've had bloody wine

PoldarksBreeches Sun 30-Oct-16 22:06:39

So tell him to give you space.

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