Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Help, I just completely lost my shit and now feel awful(39 Posts)
Hi there, I am struggling with a heavy bout of PMT and the red mist is clouding my judgement over both mine and my DP's behaviour. Please help!
My DP and I had a brief argument on Friday eve, I shared a past trauma with him, which I had brought up before, it took a lot of courage to discuss it, I quickly felt very uncomfortable and shut down the conversation by saying I didn't want to talk about it in detail , he scted v put out and I got really angry as I didn't think it was a) empathetic or b) supportive and due to the trauma happening to me I didn't see why it was for me to make him feel better?! ISometimes I feel as a woman everything is so bloody rigged for us to have this incredible capacity for taking shit and still making people feel better and I am clearly running low with this super power.
Fast forward a couple of days and his unbelievable appetite for holding a grudge, I'd spent the best part of last week completely cleaning and blitzing the house, we're currently mid-renovation and have been since April so I'm keen to sort before Christmas! since I've been working the weekend it's an utter tip. I'd spent the best part of the morning cleaning but was due to go to work and as he got back from a bike ride (waiting until he'd had coffee, settled in etc etc) I lightly brought up would it be ok to just have a clear up of all the stuff laying about as tomorrow he's away and I have a house full of people coming for Halloween and didn't want to spend my day off with the kids at home cleaning the hangover from the weekend. I'm freelancing so have loads of work to do, plus lots of additional stuff int he house to sort.
I didn't go into that much detail though I simple asked him to please just have a tidy up, nothing else. He immediately got very angry (definitelycarrying on from our previous argument) and shouted at me saying things like it wasn't his mess (we have two children) and thst how dare I accuse him of making such a mess, and a load of other completely unreasonable accusations. I kept my cool and repeated what I was asking, stating I wasn't accusing him of anything, just simply please could he have a bit of a clear up as I'd spent a lot of time sorting everything out. He then went further to criticise my efforts to sort our shit tip of a house out and was shouting at me.
My son piped in (he often does this in an argument which makes me feel awful) taking my DP's side, He has been up since 6 this morning and as I said he wasn't allowed to watch TV or go on his Xbox, he has been anable to engage in anything other than following me around and purposefully trying to irritate me into allowing him to switch on a screen. When he piped in, I brought up the fact that I didn't appreciate his behavious this mornig either. He then shouted I was an idiot and sotrmed off (he's 10yo)
I then completely lost my shit. First at my son for calling me an idiot, then running down to where my DP was, threw the driers with clothes hanging over the TV room, swearing and shouting at my DP how dare he talk to me like that and why is it ok for him to shout at me but I can't shout at him back, I'm only human and can take so much etc etc, I was simply asking to have a clear up.
He then went upstairs with the kids (I have a 5yo daughter and both children were obviously upset which I feel utterly awful about) I apologised to both children and wished them a good day, I also said to my son that I don't appreciate being called an idiot but I wished him a good day and that I love him and sorry for losing my rag, I'm only human and can take so much etc...
My DP then accused me of scaring them, which I responded by thanking him for effectively gaslighting the situation. and how was it acceptable for him to shout at me and take his anger out by twisting my words into a ridiculous argument.
Then I left for work and now I am feeling utterly awful. 1) My children - how have I just behaved, absolutely no control and probably scared the life out of them 2)the whole street has probably heard me so I feel deeply ashamed 3) I know that I've now made it far worse with my DP and due to his ability to hold a grudge we're likely to have an unpleasant few days ahead...
I am so bloody angry, and teary and I've actually scared myself with my temper and feel a bit sick... I v rarely get like this... All I asked was for the bloody house to be tidied up a bit so I didn't have to deal with the fallout and now I'm questioning my mental health and my relationship will be in the bloody pan. Getting any recognition of bad behaviour on my DP's part is like getting blood out of a stone, and whilst I completely lost it and feel awful, I also feel v wronged in his behaviour leading up to it, and the expectation that I should take it and that's completely fine...
Help and advice most appreciated, thank you! And how do I talk to my kids after this blow out?
Who's expectation is it that you should just take it and be fine? Seems to me youre staying in this relationship so you're responsible for that being perpetuated. If you're not happy and your DP's actions are making you miserable - you get out, but you can't someone to change , they'll change only when they want to. This is your absolute sign that this relationship is no longer serving either of you.
As for talking to your kids, I'd let them come to you.
Take a chill pill honey. It might have just cleared the air and you'll find a way to talk to the tiddlywinks.
Also whats this "lightly" brought up shit? I think youre minimising massively , normally "lightly" is another word for "passive aggressively". Be direct. But either way, neither of you are making the other happy.
I would lose my fuxking shit too if my ten year old son talked down to me in an argument between me and his father.
When you are calm and your son is calm and your parter is not about, talk to him and tell him that it is not unreasonable to want kindn3ss and understanding and that he is not to jump in on his father's side like that.
My DP then accused me of scaring them, which I responded by thanking him for effectively gaslighting the situation
How was he has lighting??
I then completely lost my shit. First at my son for calling me an idiot, then running down to where my DP was, threw the driers with clothes hanging over the TV room, swearing and shouting at my DP
You said both kids were "obviously upset".
It's not gaslighting if it's true!
Don't shout and scream but do not tip toe around your p waiting hoping he lets go of a grudge.
He is gas lighting you and will use your hysteria as proof you are unreasonable.
I would not tolerate that. It leaves you absolutely powerless without a voice.
Ps, you spent the week cleaning and he reacts angrily to a request to tidy up one day's clutter. By doing that, he trains you to never ask him to tidy up occasionally never mind to do half.
If you tentatively ask him to tidy up he turns it round and criticises your housekeeping!!
Can you voice any need at all?
Are his needs reasonable but yours are selfish?
This explosion today, is this what you have to do to feel heard and seen???
And sadly you are still not heard and seen but merely labelled hysterical.
Wait a second, she scared her kids.
"A red mist"?
What do you get out of this relationship now?.
It seems that your son is simply copying his father's behaviours and attitudes towards you.
Your DP can certainly hold a grudge can't he; you've mentioned this more than once in your initial post as well. Is he usually like this; something tells me that he is. I also think you are not allowed to express yourself at all; any need on your part is ignored whilst he goes mad (and holds a grudge) if you ask him to do something for not just him.
I'm not sure if gas lighting was the right term. I felt as though it was deemed perfectly acceptable for him to voice his frustration and shout at me (in fron tof the kids) but should I challenge what he was saying, repeatedly and patiently trying and talk him down that was not ok and he was getting angrier and angrier to the point where I felt either completely trampled and talked down to, or I yelled back, and admittedely I lost it, and now because I did, this will overwrite everything and be seen solely as my problem.
He is completely stubborn so when completely wrong it takes a painfully long time for him to apologise for his behaviour, however how do I come back from this?! I feel wronged by his behaviour towards me in the lead up to me blowing up and frankly I don't feel like apologising to him at all right now, which means we're at a complete stand off, which is likely to be a very very long time. Or because I hate holding grudges and having a bad atmosphere in the house, I'll have to apologise, which I bloody resent. Agggh. Sorry and thank you.
"you spent the week cleaning and he reacts angrily to a request to tidy up one day's clutter. By doing that, he trains you to never ask him to tidy up occasionally never mind to do half. "
this is what is going on here. the P is training the OP not to express any needs, including for basically equal treatment.
- even when discussing past trauma the P's emotional needs have to come first
- if they are not served effectively he bears a grudge
- she can't ask him to do anything around the house because he regards doing anything as a favour, which she has to be sweet to "deserve"
- by making the situation of her asking him to do basic stuff so incredibly uncomfortable he is training her never to ask for anything
- he is also strongly implying that this discomfort is caused by her
- the 10 year old boy taking the P's side in an argument that has nothing to do with him is about him also learning by example that women are not worthy of respect
- as is trailing about being annoying in the hope of being allowed to use screens. He has learnt by example that being a dick and implicitly offering to stop being a dick when you get what you want, works
OP, I am in the process of ending a relationship like this one where I was never heard: I was either pleasant, reasonable and ignored; or angry, "crazy" and ignored. As with you, the dcs were supposed to be being harmed by my "craziness".
I have no advice for you because you probably don't want to ltb (I didn't either for ages). but I had no way of getting mind to stop being a b, so here we are.
Does your P have any friends or family that he trusts? My ex doesn't have many close relationships and I sometimes think that if he had heard from someone else that he was being a dick, things might have been different. What about yours?
You both sound as bad as each other, as is usually the case when two people disagree and are each convinced they are right.
You argued on Friday and got 'very angry'.
You make reference to a red mist, scaring the children and being heard by all the neighbours.
Your child agrees with your DP.
It sounds like you've got anger issues, and your DP's response is to 'hold a grudge'.
You both need to calm down, awful for your kids to witness.
gaslighting is denying the truth, in order to imply that the other person is mad. I am not sure if what happened to you OP is gaslighting or not; I suppose the element of "the shouter here is only you and never me" is kind of gaslighting.
I don't know if there is a word specifically for "being a dick and implying that it is all the other person's fault".
Your DP sounds a complete prick TBH. Who gets upset about someone not being able to articulate a trauma? His reaction to you asking him to clean up is OTT. You getting upset the way Did isn't helpful but does he actually help out around the house? Does he think it's acceptable for a 10 year old to call you an idiot?
You've come to the end of your tether haven't you? And you're not mad or bad you're very justifiably angry.
I would be too after being treated like that.
I think your son holds the key to all this. He's copying/emulating your partners behaviour to get his own way. He's calling you an 'idiot', because that's what you do to a female when you're an entitled male in your house.
My advice would be to cut the ties that bind you to this partner of yours. You're on a road to nowhere with him and you sound desperately unhappy.
I am well aware of scaring my children and feel absolutely awful, hence the post, tears and utter disappointment and worry about how to talk to my kids afterwards in light of this, hence the post actually.
I really admire those who can work through things calmly in heated situations when being wronged, so if you can do this please do advise me as to how to do this whilst maintaining strength, perhaps this is the real question of my post?
I don't think gaslighting was the right term at all, sorry I didn't edit this just a straight out stream.
Yes I behaved awfully, in full recognition of that, and wanting to move forward in the healthiest way possible.
I am having a really hard time and have had a year from hell. I am having counselling and doing my utmost to work through to be the best parent I can, I didn't choose the timing of events and am really working hard to cope and process with a lot of bad news. I appreciate that this is in no way acceptable hence feeling absolutely awful.
What was the year from hell about, if you don't mind me asking?
You chose to lose it. You chose to throw things around and frighten your kids. You chose to teach them that you went insane cos you "can only take so much"
We've all had the year from Hell. I certainly have. I went to counselling and processed it in a safe environment. I could shout and rage in the safety of that room. I let it out so that it didn't come out at home.
I suggest you do the same.
If you don't mind I won't go in to detail but a lot of very bad news in a very short space of time.
Thanks for the advice ElspethFlashman I admire your ability to process it in such a way. I am in counselling as mentioned above and again do feel utterly shaken about how I've behaved and am wishing that I was as strong as you to have behaved differently, but I haven't and now need to piece it back together somehow.
Id lose my shit if a ten year old waded into an argument or discussion that was none of his business.
The problem is your twat of a partner. You're all being damaged by his behaviour.
I don't think you can blame another person for appalling behaviour. We are all in control of our own actions, and most people do not 'lose their shit' to the point that, in a red mist, they start throwing things around. There just isn't an excuse. If a woman posted to say that her DP had behaved like that, people would be asking if she was safe and advising her to LTB.
From what I can see, your DP reacted badly to being asked to tidy the house. We have no idea whether you asked in a reasonable way, or in an arsey way, but he sounds like a dickhead to me.
Nevertheless, showing a 10yo that it's unacceptable to call you an idiot by, well, behaving like an idiot, is not something I'd expect from an adult.
A lot hinges on whether this is your usual response to conflict or an isolated incident but it sounds like you and your DP are under stress and need strategies to communicate and disagree effectively.
Hi, it's an isolated incident, very out of character. I'm not shunning any responsibility for my actions, they are solely mine.
I think the problem that for me this has highlighted is how I should have acted and how I didn't take this path,
I am angry at the moment, a lot has happened, again I really admire those who manage to keep calm and process in safe environments, I aspire to do this but how do you do this, what should I do if I find myself in a similar situation and how do i put the pieces back together whilst still fuming at my DP?
That's the problem with being on trial all the time OP You've fallen in to a pattern where his voice is heard but not yours because your role is just to accept whatever criticism he decides to level at you. And that doesn't create a bad atmosphere if you just obediently accept his criticisms. But if you decide his criticisms are unfair and choose to defend yourself, then it was you who created a row. That is an unfair situation.
I wouldn't flagellate yourself too much. I would stick to something like ''mummy has tolerated a lot of criticism lately, and mummy has decided that things need to change''.
Otherwise things will go back to normal and your outrage will be filed under hystrionics. In order to make your outburst count for more than just ''hysteria'' as labelled by your H, you must continue to insist that the points you were making be heard.
It's simple really, if you were heard you wouldn't have had to shout.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.