Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

It's one big mess...

(14 Posts)
Needanamechangenow Sun 30-Oct-16 10:20:29

Name changed for this as I need to sort things out...
I am married, unhappily. I realised at the beginning of the year that I needed to leave, for my own sanity (husband belittles me, is an alcoholic and is pulling me down with him). However, we have several young children, so I can't just up sticks and leave. I found a job to gain some financial independence. I was doing well, mentally in a better place, and making plans to finally get out (husband has never been violent, but he has a temper - once I've said I'm going I will need to be out as I don't think he will take it well).
But, I've fallen for someone else. He is also married with children. I've told him my situation, I didn't know much about his though. I knew our "relationship" (if you can even call it that) wasn't anything deep or meaningful, however it transpires his wife works long hours and he's basically lonely. I'm not even sure he fancies me, I've just provided a means to an end. I've been so bloody stupid to get involved in something like this anyway, but I had at least comforted myself with the thought that someone found me attractive/desirable/worth a bit of effort. Now it seems I'm not even that. So, what the hell do I do to extricate myself from all this? I want to move forwards but feel like I've created a load of quicksand and now I'm sinking. Just to add, I work with this chap, so a pretty s**t situation all round. And yes, I'm sure I'll get some abuse coming my way, I expect that, but any practical and useful advice would be appreciated, thank you.

TurnipCake Sun 30-Oct-16 10:24:08

Disentangle yourself from this other guy, it's a distraction (and after years of misery and shit, I think it's normal to go for the first thing that gives you a sliver of happiness) you've done well so far to work towards getting financial independence, keep the focus on you and get your ducks in a row in preparation for leaving your husband.

12purpleapples Sun 30-Oct-16 10:27:09

Well done on starting to make the plans to get out.
The other man will just be a complication and your stbx will try to make something out of it when you do leave.
Hopefully you can move things back on to professional terms with the other man, and focus on the goal of getting out of the marriage?

jeaux90 Sun 30-Oct-16 10:57:39

Agree with the others focus on you and your plans, you've done so well getting your independence back don't distract yourself. Retreat from the other dude x

Needanamechangenow Sun 30-Oct-16 11:59:18

I agree and I do realise that I need to step away from this other guy. Trouble is, we are forever being put together for work projects etc, necessitating a lot of time together (and not all of it in working hours), so unless I can find a new job pretty quickly, this is going to be difficult sad

AnyFucker Sun 30-Oct-16 12:05:39

It will be difficult but not impossible

Stop making excuses. The guy is married. You are contributing to make some other woman as miserable as you are

Sort it out

12purpleapples Sun 30-Oct-16 12:18:49

The other guy just isn't going to help you here - you need to get out and he will be a complication.
If he is married with kids and looking into getting into something with you then he is not someone who can help you here - either he is a cheat, in a messed up situation himself that he hasn't got out of, or both. You have enough to do in trying to fix your own problems, the last thing you need is having his to deal with also.

Needanamechangenow Sun 30-Oct-16 19:06:52

I admit I never really thought about my status as the "OW" but I guess that's what I am. I just need to emotionally detach myself from him somehow as he has inevitably become something of a crutch to lean on...

AnyFucker Sun 30-Oct-16 22:12:12

Find another crutch.

pallasathena Sun 30-Oct-16 22:27:06

Why are you self-sabotaging? You've decided to leave your miserable relationship with your husband. You've found a job you seem to enjoy. You're making serious headway with careful planning to improve your life and the lives of your children and then...off you go and self-sabotage by sleepwalking into a ridiculous relationship with another half baked bloke whom you don't even fancy that much!
Don't you think its time to just stop and get with the plan?

littleredpear Sun 30-Oct-16 22:28:28

Needanamechange

I'm the wife on the other end of a work OW.

It's broken my heart and wrecked our marriage. The damage saw him drop her like a stone.

Step the fuck back and sort your own shit out first.

AnyFucker Sun 30-Oct-16 22:37:46

Oh, but op didn't realise she was the OW

Give me fucking strength

tipsytrifle Sun 30-Oct-16 22:55:08

You're doing good on making plans to leave a miserable marriage. You do need to step away from this other guy. I think when the shit hits the fan you'll find nothing but his skid marks in the dust anyway; he will not be the crutch you need to escape the turmoil you think will ensue once you leave H. Best to do it gently along the lines of "I'm a mess and need to sort out my life, sorry but this is not going to help". You're going to need to be willing to shelve any feelings you think you have for this guy - they're a crisis response, false attachment in a way. You'll drown in drama and complication if you don't set him aside but it should be do-able in a way that preserves a work situation, especially when you point out that you need friends rather than lovers. Say whatever needs to be said but get out of both relationships as decently and swiftly as you can.

JoJoSM2 Sun 30-Oct-16 22:59:43

I'd just try to get on with work and not think about the fling you had. You could see if it's possible that you don't work together- perhaps if both of you express that you're keen to be paired up with other people, you will be. I also think you should leave and stay away from men for a while to heal after your marriage breakup and be independent and learn about yourself.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now