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Ground hog Day

(8 Posts)
Julia1973 Sun 30-Oct-16 00:32:29

God I hate this time at night!

Married for nearly 19 years - together for 23.

After keeping a lid on things for the past 2 years and keeping it all together- everything finally fell apart 3 weeks ago.

He's gone. And when he comes to visit the kids he is vile and not anyone I recognise

First week feeling of absolute relief.

Second week felt numb.

This week has been hell on earth with an endless repetition on emotions.

The day starts with that in-between state between dream and reality where I wake up and for a nano second forget what is going on and expect the man i loved to be there.

Then realisation dawns and I'm overwhelmed by grief which feels like someone has died.

And can't stop crying even though I wouldn't want him back in a million years.

Then I get productive and do things- clean, sort, organise and just generally realise I'm fine without him. And things are going to be better without him.

By the evening the rage sets in. Rage at him. Rage at myself. So angry I start to cry again.

And then not wanting to go to bed because you know you're going to wake up to momentary feeling of bliss before you realise it's gone ( or never was)

How long does this last? I know I don't want him back (even if he did ask which is doubtful) so why does it still hurt?

WorriedWife2016 Sun 30-Oct-16 00:54:43

Hi Julia I am seven months in and still feeling it sorry to say,mew were 25 together married 20, I am a bit of a mess but getting it out here has really really helped a lot.
I hope you can get the same support, do you have a solicitor etc x

Julia1973 Sun 30-Oct-16 01:04:50

Hey. My daughter (14) told me earlier that crying after three weeks was excessive smile I'm sorry you still feel bad - was the split a joint decision or a surprise?

Went to solicitor- that set off another round of verbal abuse because it made me wake up and not take it lying down.

Mum coming to stay from weekend onwards until xmas as he has been physically threatening and whilst I'm usually unflappable- I keep crying/raging etc.

Was on holiday this week but back to work Monday so that should hopefully make me get my act together.

WorriedWife2016 Sun 30-Oct-16 04:29:45

I suspected and had asked but yes pretty much a big surprise, I suspect it hasn't hit your dd yet, my ds 15 is really struggling with it.
I am not a weak person but this has really knocked me
Glad you have your mum for support, I am assuming he is not in the house? I would be wary if he is, can he not see kids elsewhere
My hubbie disappeared for six weeks without a word to us and he doesn't see the kids they refuse so in some ways that's easier
Are your work supportive?
Take good care of yourself it's a long road you need all your strength to hold things together x

Anniegetyourgun Sun 30-Oct-16 07:16:44

Bless the child, she hasn't been alive long enough to suffer a 23-year loss! Three weeks is no time at all to get over something so massively life-changing. In some ways it might have been more bearable if he had died, because then it would make sense and you'd know what to expect. But it will get easier eventually, it really will. You seem to be doing the right things for now, anyway.

Julia1973 Sun 30-Oct-16 09:26:40

" In some ways it might have been more bearable if he had died"-
Yes- because then at least I would have had happy memories and could have clung to the illusion that I had been loved. The ex says he did (does?) love me but to my mind you don't do the things he did/does to someone you love. The lack of answers drive me crackers: Ive googled everything from ptsd ( he was in army), midlife crisis, to him being a sociopath smile I'm not good at not understanding things.

Worried- it was no great surprise for me. There had been major issues for years that I had alternated between ignoring and working hard to encourage him to overcome. His expectation was however that I should change to accept - no embrace- what in my mind are serious issues. The break has come from my refusal to do so- and I suspect someone else is more accommodating.

He's not in the house. At a "friends"- don't know where. He has to come to the house to see the kids as he hasn't got anywhere himself. I try to make myself scarce. Eldest thinly disguises her absolute loathing of him. I try to encourage her to separate his behaviour as a dad from his behaviour as a husband, but she is old enough to see that actually sometimes these go hand in hand. Youngest (11) is suffering- huge acne breakout and stress induced excema. Been to doctors but I worry about the effects you can't see.

Work don't know yet-kept it pretty together first two weeks and its only since this week's holiday that it has really sunk in. Have written email to boss requesting to see him tomorrow to make them aware.

Thank you both for your words of encouragement x

Dawndonnaagain Sun 30-Oct-16 11:21:41

8 weeks in. Still going round in circles, but as I've just said on another thread, mine is still (successfully) letting me know he's in control. He made counter allegations to the police. Cruel beyond belief and who the hell does he think is going to look after dc because he can't/won't.
I go between anger, relief, feeling completely bereft, being unable to sleep to feeling absolutely fine for about ten minutes at a time. The GP says I have PTSD, we had been together for a similar amount of time as you OP, and as both GP and counsellor have said, you won't get over something like that in eight weeks. They've both said I'm probably looking at 18 months. Take your time, don't push yourself too hard. flowers

WorriedWife2016 Sun 30-Oct-16 11:36:13

Julia take your time, the best thing I have done and the thing I am most proud of is I have kept my dignity.
I have not openly slated him, never really shouted, I have sadly a couple of times got angry at home in front of kids but I have let them be involved in all family decision making as at 15 and 18 they are perfectly capable of understanding.
I would keep everything noted.
If my hubbie gets in touch or says something on the phone I follow it up with an e mail so I have a record of what he has said or agreed, he made me think I was going mad towards the end of our marriage with all his lies.
He made me feel it was my fault
It was not and it is not yours either.
I have a thread here where I have asked for advice as I am so lost, take a read some good ideas and advice on it.
Keep talking it through, here has helped me massively

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