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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Abusive STBXH has called police

77 replies

EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 29/10/2016 20:33

I'm in the process of leaving my H. He is abusive and violent, and the last few months while we've been separating have been horrendous, I feel pushed to the edge.
We're moving the week after next. Today H took DCs out so I could pack. He came home in a foul mood and started ranting that I hadn't done enough packing, and accusing me of having been with a man. There is no OM but H has refused to believe this and repeatedly accuses me of an affair. I lost it this evening and shouted at him, and swore. He did too. Some of this was in front of DCs, which I feel awful about. When they went to bed he started again - he had said I could choose which books go to each of us, then came in and said I was taking all the good ones - I had specifically checked about some before deciding. I felt I was losing it again and tried to leave to go for a walk, but couldn't find my keys. He had had them earlier and when I asked for them said he'd had the kids all day so I had to look after them now, and went out. He came in 15 min later and said he had called the police and told them I had thrown a punch at him! Which is a total lie. I'm downstairs and he's upstairs, I'm waiting for police to arrive. It's like living through a nightmare, please help me through this.

OP posts:

Report

JontyDoggle37 · 29/10/2016 20:38

so sorry you're going through this. Welcome the police turning up. Explain what he's like, log with them all the ways he is abusive, and ask them to look at him for evidence of a punch. Then they'll give him a walking great telling off for wasting their time, and you will have a police log that will help you in future divorce proceedings. This is all good . Or, he hasn't phoned them at all, he just wants you to worry, so say 'oh good id like to talk to them' and carry on with what you're doing - you can pretend you're not worried for a couple of hours! Either way, he isn't going to get what he wants, and you will still be leaving. Best of luck.

EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 29/10/2016 20:40

Thank you Jonty - I think he did, but they haven't arrived yet. I think it's payback for me having called previously when he's been aggressive.

OP posts:

Mrs2ndbest · 29/10/2016 20:44

If you are staying which I hope you find the strength to leave. I know how hard it is. Pls document everything with pictures and a log. He wants control and is playing mind games with you. I've been there. You are not the problem

Kidnapped · 29/10/2016 20:50

Just tell the exact truth. He went out for 15 minutes and called the police while he was out. Tell the police that if they put a trace on his mobile phone it will show that he was out of the house at the time the alleged punch was thrown.

They won't do that of course, because they won't believe him in the first place.

Make sure that you tell them that you are leaving him because he is violent and abusive. It will be good to get it on record. Any more incidents like today and call the police immediately.

EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 29/10/2016 20:53

I'm leaving him Mrs - the move is in 2 weeks. You're right that he's losing control and doesn't like it.

OP posts:

EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 29/10/2016 20:54

Kidnapped there are previous police records. He has a Caution for punching me in the face and breaking my nose. He said all sorts last time, and they believed me.

OP posts:

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 29/10/2016 20:55

You've called the police previously. Do you think that was logged at the time?

Any road, if they do turn up be calm and welcoming. Describe the previous aggression and abuse you've received from him. This event is just more of the same from him. He's patently not afraid of anything you might do as he's still in the house with you. That's how scary you are and how fearful of you he is. What a pillock

Not long to go now and you'll be free of him. FREE!

Kidnapped · 29/10/2016 20:59

Then you don't have anything to worry about.

If they do turn up then tell them the truth. If you fear for your safety tonight then please let them know.

Him calling the police could be a good thing if it ends up with you giving the police more evidence of the abuse and violence.

Mrs2ndbest · 29/10/2016 21:00

I'm worried for your safety. Last couple of weeks I was leaving things really escalated because he was losing control. Pls be careful

Qwerdy1234 · 29/10/2016 21:03

Call the police immediately. Tell them what you have told us. Tell them he has a history of violence.

EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 29/10/2016 21:04

Good reassuring points, thank you both. He came and threatened me not to tell police that he repeatedly broke into my phone and read my private messages - he had put a fingerprint access on without my Knowledge. He said he was willing to phone back and say they don't need to come, then said they should come - I don't know what to think. Maybe PP was right, and he never called at all? His job is very precarious after previous police incidents, he's on thin ice for keeping it.

OP posts:

Haggisfish · 29/10/2016 21:07

I would call the police myself, just to be sure. Can you stay at a refuge or anything for next two weeks?

EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 29/10/2016 21:08

Sorry Qwerty cross posted. Maybe he has called, maybe not. I know this is a crunch time for things kicking off, and I'm trying to be careful. I just feel so stressed and tonight I snapped.

OP posts:

HedgehogHedgehog · 29/10/2016 21:10

Just remain calm. They will see straight through this. If he has really called them. Ive had this done to me and the police were actually fantastic. They saw straight away that it was him who was being abusive. xxx

EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 29/10/2016 21:11

Thank you Hedgehog.

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VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 29/10/2016 21:13

The police will still come out because it's domestic abuse related, so he can't 'take it back'.

Just explain what's been going on - they'll have seen and heard it all before.

Good luck, and get the hell away from this bastard.

MsVanRein · 29/10/2016 21:14

I don't have any advice to add as others have covered it but just wanted to say I'm thinking about you.

ImperialBlether · 29/10/2016 21:14

I'd call the police and ask them to come - say you're going to bed soon and ask what time they'll be there.

EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 29/10/2016 21:17

Thank you for being here everyone. Get the hell away from this bastard is now my strapline for the next two weeks!

OP posts:

EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 29/10/2016 21:18

It's now nearly an hour since he says he rang and they're not here.

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AyeAmarok · 29/10/2016 21:20

Was it tonight he put this fingerprint thing on your phone, or was that the last incident when police were called?

FinallyHere · 29/10/2016 21:24

So sorry to hear you are going through this....

Just a thought, have you removed his fingerprint from the ones which can access your phone? Its in settings, then touchid. You need to type the code in when you access this, so it might be worth changing your access code, too. All the best.

Starlight2345 · 29/10/2016 21:27

OP ..I agree with others be very careful at this point..Get passports, birth certificates, his Ni number and payslip if you can. Your Ni no though...Get those out the house, whether with a relative, locker at work...Somewhere safe..

If you feel in danger call the police.. Call womens aid, you can get in a refuge even if for a couple of weeks.

EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 29/10/2016 21:28

It was a while ago, he admitted he did it a few days ago. Security settings all changed now.

OP posts:

Cucumber5 · 29/10/2016 21:30

Can you leave early?

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