Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Mentally abusive

(24 Posts)
louisejanep Sat 29-Oct-16 19:10:20

Hi ladies. Going through a really bad rough patch at the mo and need some support. I have been in a relationship for 8 years ans have a 1 year old. But i am at the lowest i have ever been i feel pulled down, depressed and just dont know what to do anymore.

I left my partner for a break and come to my mums with my daughter. All throigh pir relationship he has been really insecure and has accused me of looking at other men when ive been interested in no1 but him and hes never believed me. We were on r way on a family day out a coupld of weeks ago and a neighbour (male) was in his garden he was putting r daughter in the car and got really irate and said dont make a f***ing show out of me. I said what do u mean and started shouting looking at him over there really loud. Were new neighbours and it was so embarrasing. I got in the car and started crying and he continues driving untill i made him turn the car back round becuase i said i was not putting up with that beahviour.

Hes never allowed me to have a facebook profile ans after 8 years of me listening to him i thoight i am not prepared to carry on leading this sheltered life so i swt up a profile. I was nervous to tell him so just casually slipped it out. That night in bed he demanded my phone to scroll through my posts. All my facebook posts were photos of my daughter at baby groups and becuase i didnt post lots of photos of him he launched my phone into the wall . At the same time r 1 year old was asleep in the middle of us. He told me he hated me i need to get out of his house.

So i went to my mums for a few days. After a few days thounh i started to feel reallh sorry for him being at home on his own so i went back.

He ignored me for days and then text me when he was in wrk and said i cant afford to keep u here its best you go and live at ur mums and claim benefits. We have a 1 year old and jm at home all day with her and i work part time and ive jusy started a masters degree yet he calls me lazy and says he cant 'keep me' when iin fact the onlj reason he has that house is because we won some money on the lottery which we were meant to half but after we had an argument one day he completley wiped my name off that money and because he purchased the ticket i dont think i have a leg to stand on. He doesnt give me any money now o am absolutley broke.

So ive left him and were twking it in turns to have the baby. Hes been texting me saying we cant break up a family and i feel really really guilty that ive left. And he keeps tryig to be nice over text and the phone but i just feel emotionally exhausted and i dont think he will ever change.

I dont feel the same person i use to be my confidence and self esteem r practicallu non existent. Everythigs a mess. I hate to walk out but ive tried year after year and things have gotten worse since the birth of r daughter. Sorry for super long post.

strugglingstepdad Sat 29-Oct-16 19:24:03

Get out and stay out.

His behaviour is already showing signs of abuse and this can only progress one way - physical abuse.

Do you want your child to grow up in that environment? Believe me they see, hear and feel everything, even if you think they don't see owt.

For yours and your child's safety stay away!

ConfusedNoMore Sat 29-Oct-16 19:30:23

He's horrible. Urgh! Stay with your mum. Get you self esteem back. Working part time and doing a masters and a 1 year old? Far from a burden on him. He should be bluddy proud of you.

He's a selfish immature man who knows you are too good for him.

Focus on you and your daughter.

Paulat2112 Sat 29-Oct-16 19:33:37

You need to leave and never go back to him. He is not a nice person and you and your daughter deserve so much more. He is only going to get worse, sounds like he might start getting violent if he threw your phone from you. Please do not go back to him.

ElspethFlashman Sat 29-Oct-16 19:35:15

He is texting you saying you can't break up a family cos he has realised he hates looking after a 1 year old and this is his future.

If you got back together he wouldn't have to do anything cos you'd do everything. He could swan around and have a cushy number.

Don't be a mug. Don't go back just to be his housekeeper in a house you'll never own an inch of.

alwayshappy101 Sat 29-Oct-16 19:37:51

I agree with pp's.

You need to stay away from him.his behaviour isn't normal,he will never change and you shouldn't have to live like that.

His insecurities have changed the person you used to be.Go get her back smile

Penndragon Sat 29-Oct-16 19:42:12

I think you are right to exit. That is not a healthy relationship Im afraid so I agree with strugglingstepdad. Sadly bad behaviour generally gets worse not better over time, particularly as you become more emotionally and financially dependant on him with the arrival of children in the relationship. If the money has been put into a family home that you both lived in then you need to talk to a solicitor to clarify if you would have any claim to a portion of the home. I am assuming you are not married but definitely think its a question worth asking. Most solicitors will offer 30 mins free so you should be able to clarify your position. In the mean time safeguard your financial situation by notifying banks etc that you are separated so if he runs up any debts you are not liable. If you have any bills or mortgage then you need to get advice to make sure he doesn't default on anything that would impact your financial record. Register a claim for benefits and child support. Your ex partner still has financial obligations to his child.

MemyselfandI123 Sat 29-Oct-16 19:45:11

You've done the hard part & left, and sounds like your mum is supportive. You can't live in a volatile environment like that, and sounds like he calls out the shots, not "allowing" a fb profile then throwing a childlike tantrum when you do.. seriously ? YOU call the shots and do what's right for you and your daughter. Let him fuck off and lay in the bed he's made for himself, he lost his family through his immature, unreasonable, controlling behaviour. This is your chance to get out and carve out a new future for yourself. Good luck

jeaux90 Sat 29-Oct-16 19:45:59

Yep don't look back. You deserve more. He is trying to control your life and long term it will get worse and impact your dd. Two fingered tap dance at him, your life is worth more than that. Stay strong xxx

louisejanep Sat 29-Oct-16 20:40:29

Thank you its hard. I wish i wouldbt feel so sorry for him. I feel sorry for him because he only has 1 decent friend, and doesnt really bother with family. And feel like taking me and his daughter he would be left without anything. But for my own mentality and for my baby i cant afford to stay.

Footle Sat 29-Oct-16 20:50:32

He'll be left without anyone because he has driven them all away. Tough.

Balanced12 Sat 29-Oct-16 20:51:08

Don't feel sorry for him, get angry he is controlling you he is a nasty piece of work. Daughter's end up in relationships modelled to them by their mothers (imo) think about that would you want her to be in a relationship where she's scared to be in contact with the outside world ?

MemyselfandI123 Sat 29-Oct-16 21:11:40

Don't feel sorry for him & don't let him use emotional blackmail, you have to ask yourself why has no barely any friends.. cos he's a shit and people don't tolerate it, nor should you and especially for your daughter, you're young enough to fresh, she's young enough to not remember this, dont stay long enough to witness it and remember it

Confusednomore Sat 29-Oct-16 22:04:21

I understand you feel sorry for him. I can still feel sorry for my ex. We still need to keep the hell away from them.

You have compassion because you're a good person. You can still have compassion without letting him destroy you.

HedgehogHedgehog Sat 29-Oct-16 22:07:09

Hes incredibly abusive. None of what you have stated he has done is in any way normal. Please if you are going to feel sorry for anyone feel sorry for your child. You owe it to her to leave. Do you want her seeing this as she grows older? What would you say to her if a man did these things to her?
Good luck xxxxxxx

TaggieRR Sat 29-Oct-16 22:11:29

I rarely think LTB but I'm sorry OP, he sounds awful. I'd stay away and not be tempted to get back with him.

louisejanep Sat 29-Oct-16 22:30:29

Yes my daughter is far to precious to feel bad vibes and i would hate for her to ever feel anything other than happiness and love. I think i have had the strength to walk away because of my daughter. In the whole time we were together he rarely took me out and since my daughter been born i have had to beg him literally to go out with us. But now i have lwft hea texting me saying hes booked all these nice events for us.

jeaux90 Sat 29-Oct-16 23:01:30

Too little too late. Fuck him. He won't change you know that right? Stay strong don't falter xxx

Gymnopedies Sat 29-Oct-16 23:10:16

You did the right thing for you and your DD in leaving. Well done, stay strong.

Penndragon Sun 30-Oct-16 00:10:51

The behavior you described sounded long term controlling and manipulative. Please take note of jeaux90. He will not change. Please do not be emotionally manipulated into feeling sorry for him, or feeling guilty about making healthy choices to put yourself and your child first. As another poster has said, if he has little contact with his family and doesn't have many friends then there is a pattern forming and perhaps it is because of his poor choices and behavior in the past. You and your child are worth more than a few cheap promises and nice outings now it's expediant. The choices you make now will impact your whole life. Please think further than what he is offering for the next few weeks. Your mum sounds like she has stuck her neck out to support you. Talk to her about the practical next steps over the next 10 days /10 weeks /10 months for you and the baby. Having a long term plan, however tenuous, regarding housing, work, childcare and/or retraining would help you feel stronger and more focused.

louisejanep Sun 30-Oct-16 00:57:40

Thank you yes my mum and dad are my absolute rock. They adore my daughter and would do anything for us x

user1476307827 Sun 30-Oct-16 01:46:14

Leave him and stay away...I've had it for 22 years from the age 17 and 5 children later. It will get worse and will eventually definitely turn to physical violence. I wish I'd have had the courage to leave sooner. Take care of yourself and your daughter xxx

WorriedWife2016 Sun 30-Oct-16 04:41:53

I can feel your sadness in your posts, if your mum and dad are rocks use them and get out, that is no place for you or your daughter, get some free solicitors advice re finances
Don't feel sorry for him, he's made this situation not you
He's playing games with you and controlling you
That will never change and the more you let him in the more control your giving him
He's bad news
I suspect your mum and dad will be relieved you've left.

Madinche1sea Sun 30-Oct-16 05:50:42

He sounds horrendous OP. Quite possibly he has deep psychological issues, but these are NOT your fault or your responsibility.
What kind of man sends his partner and baby back to her mother's to live in benefits fgs! He has no clue.
Please don't fall for the guilt- trip tactics. Focus on your baby, your Masters and making a good future for yourself and child. It's great you've got your mum for support.
Agree with a OP who said the only reason he wants you back is that the reality of having a baby in his own has dawned on him. Is he even safe enough to have the baby unsupervised? He sounds very needy and volatile from your posts.
Well done for getting out and don't look back.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now