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Am I being used?

(23 Posts)
Wheresthemissingsqueakyegg Sat 29-Oct-16 15:32:11

Sorry, first time posting so please bear with me.

I split up with my DP almost 3 months ago (we were together for 3 years) and, after the initial period of being angry/upset etc, we have stayed in touch and speak about the DCs etc

I know he has already signed up to dating sites and has slept with at least one other person but I was hoping I could look past this.

He has stayed at mine on one occasion and this last week, our DCs have been away, so I've been staying with him all week.

I won't lie, I still really love him and it's killing me! This week , I've been picking him up from work, we've been having dinner together, watching films, sex and cuddles - it has been amazing! (Not sure if relevant but we have been having sex since we split)

He also told me I was not to tell anyone that I was staying or what we were doing.

Anyway, I took this as a good sign that there may be some hope of us rekindling our relationship but at dinner with friends last night he said it would never ever happen so, understandably, I was gutted.

Fast forward to this morning, he texts me and says I'm screwed in the head, doesn't think we should see each other anymore etc etc and I don't know why!

I feel used and angry with myself and now back to square one of being upset as I allowed myself to be put in this vulnerable position sad now I don't know what to do!

Bubblegum18 Sat 29-Oct-16 15:34:23

Sounds like he might of started something with the other person he slept with and has been keeping you on the side just in case. You are worth more OP

AnyFucker Sat 29-Oct-16 15:36:03

Stay away from him, that's what you do

He is cruel and you are vulnerable. Bad combination. Also...get an sti check

Tryanythingonce16 Sat 29-Oct-16 15:36:04

That is really awful and yes he has been using you.

Wheresthemissingsqueakyegg Sat 29-Oct-16 15:40:50

The other person is back with their ex now - he tells me far too much personal information but am not sure how much of this is being done to try and get a reaction from me!

I had an STI test recently as I explained to my MW the situation and I didn't want to put the baby at risk (we have been using condoms since)

Thanks for clarifying what I already feel I knew , why am I so stupid 😓😓😓

BitchQueen90 Sat 29-Oct-16 15:42:56

Yes, he is using you. Sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too.

Obviously you have to stay in touch because you have DC but you need to stop spending time or speaking to him outside of anything to do with your DCs. You won't get over him otherwise.

Keep as busy as you can. See your friends instead, do things you enjoy. Be kind to yourself, you deserve more and you will discover that eventually. flowers

BitchQueen90 Sat 29-Oct-16 15:44:59

Just read your last post, are you currently pregnant? If so you are probably feeling very vulnerable so try not to beat yourself up. He is being an arse for treating you that way.

Earlybird Sat 29-Oct-16 15:47:06

Why did you split, and who initiated it?

Bubblegum18 Sat 29-Oct-16 15:49:14

are you pregnant op?

pallasathena Sat 29-Oct-16 15:50:44

You detach, emotionally, physically, every way that you can. You construct a text/email way of communicating for arrangements regarding the kids and you try your hardest to put it all down to experience, draw a line under it and move on.
I know it must seem like the end of the world for you, I know you must be feeling so used and abused but you're not the first and you certainly won't be the last to feel like that but what you can do indeed you must do, is be kind to yourself.
You deserve far, far better than what you've had you know.
In time, you'll look back on it all and realise that it was a blessing in disguise because you've made a better life for yourself and your children.
One day, you'll meet someone who knows how to be a grown up; someone who truly cares for you, who will treat you well, who will love you completely and will want to be with you forever.
They are out there!
Take time to heal and be determined to never, ever let him hurt you like this ever again.

category12 Sat 29-Oct-16 15:50:52

You're pregnant as well?

Take this opportunity to take him at his word, and stop seeing and sleeping with and talking to him apart from absolutely necessary child-related/finance messages - and keep those short, to the point and on topic. Hand-overs on the doorstep.

He's horrid to lead you on and then pull the rug from under, you're not stupid, just hopeful. But he's shown you how he's going to behave towards you, so don't give him another opportunity for a repeat. That would be stupid.

AnyFucker Sat 29-Oct-16 16:07:18

Draw a line under this now, love. You have been needy and desperate and he has treated you very badly.

But no more. You can put a stop to it.

And condoms are not 100% protection against all sti's that can put your baby at risk. He has been sleeping with random which means so have you (effectively)

Enough now. He will not magically turn into a person that cares about you. The cruel genie is out of the bottle now and this is what you sign yourself up for if you keep inviting him to shit all over you

Wheresthemissingsqueakyegg Sat 29-Oct-16 16:08:05

Yes I'm pregnant!!

We split because he wasn't happy and it wasn't working although all his family now hate me (despite me trying to be nice to arrange for them to have contact with DC's) all my messages are ignored so I've stopped messaging them!

He's just had the cheek to message me to ask for a lift to his friends house party later - um how about no!

We had agreed for him to have them EOW but he has yet to have them for a full weekend but he sees them everyday (he has moved back in with his parents who only live 30 seconds away from me!)

AnyFucker Sat 29-Oct-16 16:14:31

Honestly, just tell him to fuck off

He is a pig

Finola1step Sat 29-Oct-16 16:19:20

Squeakyegg can I just clarify something? You were together 3 years and split less than 3 months ago. You are currently pregnant and there is another child (possibly 2?). I'm only asking just to get a clearer picture of how much you have on your plate.

He wants his cake and eat it. Sex with no responsibility. Are you quite young?

category12 Sat 29-Oct-16 16:19:45

He can't just come round when he feels like it. Some boundaries are what you need.

Good start with no to a lift, cheeky fecker. But it just goes to show that there are no boundaries at all between you.

You're split up.

Establish normal split-up people boundaries and enforce them.

Wheresthemissingsqueakyegg Sat 29-Oct-16 16:22:54

I'm 30 - not sure if that's classed as young!

Have 2 DC and one due in January, we were together 3 years and split almost 3 months ago yes!

I know I need to set boundaries but am really not sure where to even start! I'm so upset that I'm
Now in this situation and my back has been complete agony for days and dealing with a toddler is blinking hard work!

category12 Sat 29-Oct-16 16:36:10

OK.

Some ideas of boundaries:
No lifts.
No popping round. If he has a key, get it back, or change the locks. Also put on a door-chain.
No meals together. No netflix and chill. No sex.
He takes kids out on his weekend/access times - handover on doorstep.
Text messages/conversation only about dc - access and child support money.
Make sure you're getting child support money.

Hope you can get some rest. Have you any supportive family nearby or friends that are yours, more than mutual?

AnyFucker Sat 29-Oct-16 16:37:35

Not being his personal taxi service and no strings shag would be a good start.

nicenewdusters Sat 29-Oct-16 16:42:16

What Anyfucker said, with bells on !

So, you split because he wasn't happy, and it wasn't working. Ok. So what he doesn't get to do is pretend you're both single again, because the kids are away, and have you there for lifts, tv watching and sex.

That's exploitative, manipulative and cruel. You're pregnant, with 2 dc, and have just split up with him, because HE wasn't happy. He knew you were vulnerable and used you. That makes him a complete sleazeball and a scum bag.

You say you need to set boundaries, but don't know where to start. Well, I'd start with your body. You've split up, he's already sleeping with other people. So he doesn't get to sleep with you or cuddle you anymore. If you let him, you'll feel crap about yourself, never move on and give him a very worrying message - basically that he can do what he wants with you.

Second boundary. You tell him what works best for you and the dc as regards him seeing them. You're pregnant, tired, caring for other dc and he's just left. So you get to call the shots, he'll have to fit in with you. He doesn't pop in and out when it suits him. It may be your property together, but he wanted to leave, so now it's your home, and he comes in when YOU say.

Third boundary. You've done the right thing by ignoring his family. If he's seeing his dc then it's up to him to facilitate contact with them, not you. They have no legal right to access anyway. He's probably told them a whole load of rubbish to make himself out as the victim, and he's their relative. So ignore, not your problem.

Remember, he'll do whatever he can get away with, he sounds horrible. You have to be the one to stop him.

Wheresthemissingsqueakyegg Sat 29-Oct-16 17:19:00

Thanks ladies! Much appreciated!!
It's rental property and only my name on the tenancy - have spoken to LL about getting locks changed as his family have 3 spare keys and I wouldn't put it past them to drop in as and when they feel like it to be nosy!

nicenewdusters Sat 29-Oct-16 17:21:25

Oh yes, given the update locks changed, asap.

ohdofeckoffnowdear Sat 29-Oct-16 17:31:08

He wants his cake and eat it!

He is taken full advantage of you, especially when ur pregnant, you are vulnerable and he knows that.

Look op he doesn't want to get back with you, I know that's horrible to say.

As other posters have said time to start using boundaries.

Change the locks
Put your foot down over the dc access. He needs to step up and be a dad.
Screw his family and what they think, god knows what he is saying to them about you.
Sort maintenance out
Change the locks

Wish you all the best

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