Hi. 
This is long. Please take time to read this if you have the time. I am in desperate need to help I am braking down.
Been together 5 years and married 2 years. Have a two year old boy. Been living together for 2 years.
(Don't ask what made me marry him, I guess because I love him) but since the very beginning of our relationship I have always found my husband sneaky. At the beginning he was always out with his friends, choosing them over me, choosing anything over me, didn't like to be seen with me by his friends. Had kids of fights but I guess he was just young and having fun? I'm now 26 and he's 28. At the beginning we were both in university so he was having the time of his life.
- we graduated and moved out of uni. Stayed together though. But during them university days like I said I had a strong feeling he was up to stuff behind my back. I went through his phone and saw him flirting with girls within the uni campus. Had our fights but we graduated and things got more serious. I can't remember all the stuff he has done behind my back to me but I'll point out the more serious ones and the most recent one that has had me in tears I am heartbroken
- During my pregnancy he wasn't really there. He use to say he will "try" and make it to the scan. I would get annoyed and moan at him and because of me moaning he would threaten to not come at all.
- I had a bad pregnancy had UTI's growth scans sickness and I never complained I just got on with it, but when I use to run to the bathroom during the night to be sick he use to get angry because I always woke him up.
- he use to stay out til early hours in the morning with his friends whilst I'm at home alone heavily pregnant.
- almost missed the birth because I was 11 days overdue and he decided to go to Amsterdam with his friends for 2 nights. He made it back just in time though.
So our son was born September 2014 and I saw a change in him. Little did I know it was fake, November 2014 just 2 months after he went out one morning for a "haircut", I can't remember what it was about but we argued this morning and he left in a mood, I tried calling him later on that day & his phone was switched off. Thought it had died. Tried again and again and I started to get worried when midnight ish came, I thought he would stumble in around 3am but I woke up and he still wasn't home and phone still off.
Now call me weird but when we first met in university, I made a fake Instagram account up and added all of his girl friends that he had on his Instagram to see who he was flirting with. & at this time I happened to still go on it & check even though he said he had deleted it he lies a lot. And I happened to log onto it after not hearing off him in a few days after his phone went off, and a girl from Switzerland that he use to like most of her pics & we use to argue about it, uploaded a picture a few hours ago of her and my husband in a club in Amsterdam! So he went out that morning got on a plane and met this girl!
To this day two years on he still says nothing happened between them, I also contacted this girl a year later and asked her she said no they're just friends but haven't spoke in a year.
Anyway, it's been two years since all this and I thought we were happy than ever.
Around 6 months ago that sick feeling in my stomach came back so I sneaked through his phone whilst he was asleep and I saw such disgusting things.
Him masterbating and sending it to girls on snapchat / dating apps, him receiving dirty pictures and videos. Talking disgusting to women online. Disrespecting me his "wife" to them. I read comments like "meet me in the basement in 5 minutes" while he's at work. He says to this day he never met anyone.
I woke him up and we had a huge argument he left the house and didn't return til the next day.
And after having a long talk after that and him looking at me in the eyes with such a serious face telling me he's done with all that and wants to be a family and he loves me I began to trust him again.
Until last week - I go into the bath around 9PM and he's in the next room "watching TV". We go to bed that night and whilst he's standing in front of the bed getting his work clothes ready for the next day, his phone lit up 3 times next to me...I had a look and saw 3 notifications on the front of his phone from the same girl on an app called Okcupid. Oh wow I was left devastated. After everything he has put me through and all the promises he did it again. I just held his phone up and showed him he grabbed it off me and said he downloaded it at work today to delete it but forgot. His story changed twice. He downloaded it whilst I was in the bath and was talking to girls in the next room.
This all happened last week. I know what you'll all say. Divorce him. Yes I know it's the right thing to do but I feel so weak like I love him and find it hard to leave. I am so broken and feeling so down at the moment I'm full of anger and hurt. He refuses to talk to me about it and acts like I'm crazy and he says if I don't believe him then that's his problem.
How does one get the strength to leave somebody they love so much? It's been 5 years of hell but I still can't find it in me to leave. I'm worried he will go to another woman but he's doing that anyway.
How do people do it I'm stuck and hurting so much