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How do I stop ex dh the pathological narsasist hurting us

(17 Posts)
Pandamanda3 Fri 28-Oct-16 10:03:15

Reposting here as advised, had in wrong place yesterday πŸ™ˆ

Ok so asking for some serious advise and clarity from people who may be able to judge from outside the sad box I'm stuck in, as I can't make sense of my situation and i feel powerless to stop it, angry, hurt sad & confused.
Long story short 'just completed a very bitter nasty divorce which took 1 1/2 years & haven't spoken to mil or any of his fam since I had him arrested (dv 😞) & have not seen him since that night nor spoke to him.
Ds's have still maintained contact despite huge issues along the way. He has used ds's as a pawn to attack & hurt me. My eldest hasn't really been seeing a lot of him and as the time has passed it became horribly clear he was trying to avoid contact, but when my son challenged him he said no I'm busy or whatever. I'm not ignoring u.
He's been his father since he was 2 he is now 21, although to him he is firmly his dad.
My youngest is 17 and he has asd, so he's struggled the most Id say to rationalise dads behaviour and understand his own feelings.

Cutting it short ex had my youngest tell his brother that he no longer loves him nor does he want to see him again.
There are so very close so for him to have to try & tell his brother this and then watch his world turn upside down was just unthinkable for them both.
But ds knew of the threats & had seen first hand how horrid his father had been & his words were 'I don't want u anywhere near my brother, I will talk to him!

Exactly what my ex wanted, I can't tell my ds's to not see him as that's always been their choice. but I have discussed openly with the youngest the issues around that so he can explore both sides of the choices he makes.
He I know is frightened of him but seems to have stood his ground with him to now, he told me that if he cuts contact he won't be able to see his dgf who is dying as his dd will stop him.

So he's stuck God Luv him, his dgm keeps asking him 'how's your brother I miss him?
So I doubt she knows, the truth.but it's causing him anxiety as dads often sat there staring at him.

He's acted so appallingly through out he's constantly threatening me via boys, he's big on steroids and I doubt he's in control of himself which scares me.
He made big threats to my son on his 21st & ruined his day (played another shit trick -long story)
Anyway at my wits end so solicitor sends a letter to say anymore threats & we will serve you an injunction, so his reason for abandoning my eldest is because I threatened an injunction & he's feels he's too on my side.
But I feared for his safety after his threats so why ex can't understand if he lights a fire then people will worry about getting burnt / I do not know.
I can't get it out my mind, everytime I look at my ds's I feel an ache in my heart for them, why I married this man I do not know, why didn't I see etc etc...
Have considered writing to mil to explain, at least her GS can't come to see her & why. So she doesn't think he doesn't care.
Is this a good idea?

When his gf passes he can't even go to say goodbye either which is awful as they were close.
I want to show ex-dh how bad his behaviour is & make him stop and move on, but how???
And God forgive me but I want him to feel the pain he's caused & is causing us.

I was really close to mil but I guess he's told her aload of none sence because she hasn't bothered to contact me at all.
So I don't know if writing is pointless?
If you were me how would you make him see & stop?
Sorry it's long, grateful for any ideas & or advise.

jeaux90 Fri 28-Oct-16 11:39:15

The truth is you can't make him stop behaving like this. If he is truly a narc then the only way is no contact. Your eldest and you don't seem to have contacts. Does your youngest like seeing his father? I was with a narc and the advice his therapist gave me (I was seeing her to try and stay sane through the break up/me leaving) was run and don't look back and if I could avoid my daughter having contact then I should. Took me another 9 months to get to the nc stage but I did. She is now 7 and not seen her dad since she was 2. I know it's way harder with your kids, they have a voice and an opinion, but if you can try and get your youngest to cut down over time then there is no reason for contact. Going nc is the only way with these maniacs. Big big big hug xxx

pallasathena Fri 28-Oct-16 11:40:20

When you say you want to show him how bad his behaviour is and make him stop and move on (and I'm quoting you here), you're assuming that by taking this position it will somehow change things for the better.
It won't.
You can't change other people. You can only change the way you respond/react to them.
He's got you in a terrible state hasn't he? Very likely, given what you've said, he's enjoying the attention, he's relishing making grand announcements of the 'you can't do this' or you can't do that' variety. Meanwhile, you're feeding the beast by getting so, so upset with it all.
He's a twat. If it looks like a twat, behaves like a twat and smells like a twat then it is a TWAT! Nothing you can do about it so save your energy and don't engage.
People aren't stupid, your son isn't stupid either. If you react to the twat in a more intelligent, stand-offish, no shit Sherlock way, your son will very likely follow your lead. Detach, detach and then detach some more. For everyones sake.

Pandamanda3 Fri 28-Oct-16 11:55:36

Jeaux - no contact full stop would undoubtably be the best solution all round I agree, but as you said it's not so easy. My youngest feels he has to tolirate him to be afforded the contact with his dying gf and ex uses this to his advantage. But I truly do not think he feels at all threatened that youngest will stop seeing him, or he's not bothered.

Since he's gone my ds both say how great it is at home no controlling anymore they can be who they want to be. They have friends over now, they laugh more and talk more so it's deffinatly a plus and no contact would be the way forward but until then it's coping with being stuck in this threatening cycle of him lurking like poison in the background.

Funnylady123 Fri 28-Oct-16 11:58:26

Not sure if I can offer much advice, but from my own experience I do think to detach is the best way to retain your sanity and help your kids. Both of mine still struggle with narc ex, but are not able/willing to break contact. Sometimes I think their hope that he will step up hurts them more than going nc would, but as they are both teens I feel they have to make their own decisions. I deal with the fallout by really trying not to bad mouth him and just sympathise with them when he lets them down, also I just say that he is what he is and they need to accept that he won't change and realise that he has problems, not them. This seems to work for us, but obviously every situation is different. I don't think I will ever get over the guilt that this is the father I gave them, but this then leads to guilt that I feel I am wishing I had never had them.
We can only do our best to be the one stability in their lives, it is so hard and I feel for you OP.

jeaux90 Fri 28-Oct-16 12:01:57

Then you limit it completely to only the things that are necessary and ignore everything else he does or says. You ignore anything antagonistic. Remember OP this is about control. Contact needs to be reigned back in the bare minimum to only be about your son going over. That is it. There is no other reason is there?

onanotherday Fri 28-Oct-16 12:09:01

flowers just had to say I know how hard it is and also how hard to go nc when dcs are involved. my sbxh narc just ignored any discussion of tge and mainternance....drives me crazy. But that's the point isnt it?!....each time I contact it just gets ignored...hopefully time will help disconnect. Damn frustrating tho.

Pandamanda3 Fri 28-Oct-16 12:11:46

pallas you are right he really has got to me YEH!
As above Iv not seen him as he's for some reason seemingly too scared to face me and give me his thoughts direct which Id rather he did to me not the boys. So I guess he's reveling in the fact he can use them and he knows me and so knows my ds are my world and that's his biggest tool and he's using it.

My eldest has gone totally nc but we both feel for the youngest who doesn't enjoy his time with him at all and so it's hard to stay out of it and not respond as naturally you feel the urge to protect.

So I just don't know what to do I get what your saying an completly agree it's just so hard to action when youngest feels he's got to keep entertaining him. So for now we have just been trying to do day to day and get on the best we can. You've described him correctly he is an arce hole, to make matters worse our divorse was done we had a financial order agreed and I thought finally Iv no more involvement with him thinking it should settle but nop he's broke the order that was agreed, lied on the financial forms and under oath, so my order means zip not work paper it's written on.
So to actually secure a future for myself & ds's Iv got to now take him back to court and try to get the judge to enforce him to do what he promised the court he would do. And put back the money he's stole from the mortgage only then will I have my agreed share to be able to move on.
Who on earth thinks it's ok to lie on court documents and lie under oath?

Pandamanda3 Fri 28-Oct-16 12:20:59

Gosh there are so many of us in the same boat!
Funny lady thank you, I completly understand everything you've said the feeling guilty then feeling guilty again it's a vicious circle isn't it.
I often wonder why I didn't see sooner how I must have been such a fool for 18 years, it's only afterwards you see. And I do feel guilty that I picked this man to father my children.
X x πŸ’ hugs to you all who are stuck in this horrible situation x

jeaux90 Fri 28-Oct-16 12:24:44

Oh yes OP the other thing about narcs is they have absolutely no sense of consequence. They believe they are above the law and he would not consider for one minute that he should comply. You drag his arse back to court and teach him a lesson but please remember he will step up his behaviour. The reason why he doesn't seem bothered with you is you are no longer his "supply" your youngest is though. You need to delicately educate him on the reasons why his father is the way he is and that everything he does is about him and not your son. I will they out these damaging people on a desert island (the ones where they test weapons grin) xxx

Funnylady123 Fri 28-Oct-16 12:41:52

Jeaux you are so right, they do think they are above the law, my ex will openly admit that and cannot be swayed. The delicate approach definitely works best, on the odd occassion I have lost it and had a rant, I can see in my dc's eyes that they are uncertain if I am just bad mouthing their Dad, but when I rationally explain how certain behaviour is not acceptable and deliberately vouce it in a way that is quite general rather than actually about ex, I can see they understand.
It's not easy though and would like nothing more than to send the abusive twat to that desert island!

jeaux90 Fri 28-Oct-16 13:23:04

I know love, it's so draining right but just stay calm and delicate when addressing his behaviour with them, limit as in bare minimum contact and get him back to court so he complies. Big hug xxx

Pandamanda3 Fri 28-Oct-16 13:29:10

Hi Jeaux
Sounds like a plan 😁 but can I ask that I get first go at pressing the button πŸ’£ lol!
We should collectively buy an Ireland & call it narc island owww can you imagine them all fighting for top spot, that is of course until we lady's arrive to press that big test button ha!

Oh how peaceful life would be!
I am going to take him back to court and I do antisipate a whole host of shit for it but Iv no choice tbh as at present I have 70% of nothing.
Can't sell our home and cut that tie until.
But the financial burden in doing so is killing me,
Ironically Iv got to find the money to take the case to court and pay to get the costs then brought against him if I don't pay to initiate it I get no solution. He's left us with huge debts my home is a noose round my neck but I need to sell it to release my collateral to clear up my debts. So it is a nightmare! 😞

So Any advise on court orders anyone & expected repa cusions from court on him for not complying with it wud be gratefully recieved!
X x x

jeaux90 Fri 28-Oct-16 14:06:47

Sorry I have no advice on that. I haven't had a penny from the ex since she was 2 (she's 7) but I am ok with that and he lives in Singapore....we should send yours there (after he has paid you what he should of course) one day you will be free of this insanity x

Pandamanda3 Fri 28-Oct-16 14:40:09

It's winds me how they can just switch of from their responsibilitys, and in order to get some peace in your life you have to put up!
It's so un-fair, you are a great mum and your dd will undoubtedly grow to appreciate just what you've sacrificed for her.
Hats off to you for going solo, I wish mine would go take a job a million miles away but sadly the business I built for him which he's repping the benefits from is here and so he won't leave it as he can play out his fantasy of the big superior business man everyday.
I just hope he falls flat on his face and everybody gets to see what a fake he is!
Until then we just sit and wait it out 😞
But hats off to you, your so strong x

jeaux90 Fri 28-Oct-16 14:48:10

Sometimes they do fall flat on their face. Sometimes they are very successful. Mine is such a sociopath he has well and truly cornered himself and fell flat on his face. I always take heart in the fact that he really hates himself (narcs usually do) and as a shallow shell of a human being he will never feel the love I am able to. (Two fingered tap dance wrapped up with a bit of emotive self satisfaction) grin

I grew strong after a while but it takes time and now I am awesome gringringrin

Funnylady123 Fri 28-Oct-16 16:11:27

Agree, we are the awesome ones. Our time will come. In the meantime at least we can sleep at night.

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