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Husband won't go

(47 Posts)
Anon32000 Thu 27-Oct-16 15:51:19

Please any advice is so much appreciated. My husband had been out on his usual Sunday and come home late and fell alsleep downstairs. When i got up he went upto bed but left his phone down the side of the chair he fell asleep on so my younger son found it and give it to me. On the front of his phone was the notifications with a snap chap to girl and a whatsapp message to the same girl (which he had changed her name to a boys name in his phone) saying what sexuall thing he wanted to do to her. It only showed so much of the message on the lock screen and i couldn't unlock his phone to read the rest due to his password. I went and confront him and he just told me to f off and stop being paranoid. This young girl works at the club he somtimes works at (he is a doorman). He has since said that she is always stalking and messaging him and wont leave him alone even though he as told her he is married, which is a total lie as for 1 he sent that message i had seen and that didn't look like anything with telling a girl he had a wife! And for 2 he has coincidentally deleted all the mesages he ever sent or recieved from her to prove he tells her to get lost. It is not the first time i have seen messages to other girls but he always has excusses like his mate uses his phone. I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth no more. I have asked him to leave and he is just being a dick about it and keeps saying he is going know where and how am i going to make him. There has been problems in our marraige over the last few years (been together 12 years) we have 4 children 1 child ADHD and 2nd child who has just recently been diagnosed wit Autism, and he does not bother with them at all. He is always out and when he is home he goes straight upstairs and stays in bed watching telly while i run around after him and the kids. Ive had enought i really dont no what to do, feel like am about to have the biggested brakedown ever and its our babies 2nd birthday in 2 weeks and ment to be having a big party for her. I don't have knowone to really talk to, lost all my friends when i got married and had my kids, he has loads of friends and playing the poor husband. And to top the lot off this all happened on my birthday. Is there anything i can do to get him to leave. I am exhausted not been to bed since Sunday as i cant stand being anywhere near him

BastardGoDarkly Thu 27-Oct-16 15:54:29

You poor thing. Someone wise will be along in a minute to advise on getting this arsehole out of your house. But I just wanted to say I'm glad you've had enough, he's royally taking the piss.
flowers

BasicMadeira Thu 27-Oct-16 16:00:29

I cannot advise you as to how to leave but I will say get yourself in order and with advise make a plan and then he can find somewhere else to live. He sounds awful and you absolutely definitely deserve much more. As he does nothing with the children your daily life may not get a great deal more difficult but you will not be held back that lump. It may be tough financially, and in many many other ways, but you will be better and stronger without him in the long run.
(I would consider canceling the party and just having a nice tea and cake with your children. A two year old will not know what they are missing. You do not need anymore stress in your life at the moment)

QuiteLikely5 Thu 27-Oct-16 16:01:23

Yes, when he goes to work change the locks then pack his bags. Pop then outside the front door.

Send a text stating the above and advise him if he causes a disturbance you will dial 999.

You must follow through on your threat though if he becomes disruptive.

Stop doing his laundry/do not feed him.

He sounds like an utter bastard. Get shot of him.

You've been doing the workload of a single mother anyway so you won't even notice he's gone

Get onto the CSA sharpish

Sparklesilverglitter Thu 27-Oct-16 16:02:04

Very sorry to read that OP 💐

Do you rent or own the house? Do you jointly own it or is it just In your name?

sparechange Thu 27-Oct-16 16:02:13

You poor thing

Is the house owned or rented? Joint names?

Eatthecake Thu 27-Oct-16 16:03:18

Oh your poor love!

Do you joint own or rent the home?

Eatthecake Thu 27-Oct-16 16:05:01

If he won't leave I would advise you to insist he sleeps on the sofa so you can get your head down in the bed.
Don't cook/clean etc for him as you are no longer in a relationship and have separate lives ( assuming from your op that's what you want)

GizmoFrisby Thu 27-Oct-16 16:05:32

Hope your ok OP your situation sounds horrible flowers

Is your home bought or rented? Are there any family members you could stay with till you can find somewhere permanent if he won't leave and you have to?
Hope things work outflowers

2410ang Thu 27-Oct-16 16:05:56

Sounds like a charmer... poor you!

Wait until he goes to work, pack up all his stuff chuck it outside and get a locksmith to change the locks??

maxfielder20 Thu 27-Oct-16 16:09:11

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

JoJoSM2 Thu 27-Oct-16 16:09:53

flowers
He sounds horrible...

pumpkinpie71 Thu 27-Oct-16 16:10:16

Oh lovely that is really tough 💐

Do you jointly own or rent the home? It will be tougher to make him leave if he owns half the house for example

If he won't leave stop doing everything (you don't cook for him, do any washing that's his etc)
You make it clear you might live in the same property but it is over!
You tolerate him in front of the DC but that's it

Do you have any family? Just for a chat?

Anon32000 Thu 27-Oct-16 16:10:38

Thank you everyone. We both rent the house from the council, the council tax and stuff i pay and is in my name but the tencey is in both our names.
I am defently not backing down this time as i have had enough but it is just hard when you have know one backing you.
I have done his laundry, his work stuff still need washing so that will piss him off.
I am hoping he goes to work tomorrow night with it being Halloween weekend his club will be busy and hopefully he cant book it off. Thanks agian it feels better to talk it through

pumpkinpie71 Thu 27-Oct-16 16:12:11

So both your names are on the tenancy?
Could you call the council and explain your relationship is over and see how the land lies with regards to you keeping the property?

pumpkinpie71 Thu 27-Oct-16 16:13:38

How are you for money OP? If he withholds his wage for example. Do you work? Savings?
I'm not sure how benefits work if you live together but aren't together, hopefully someone with knowledge can advise you on that

Anon32000 Thu 27-Oct-16 16:14:35

Yes both are names are the tencey. I have looked legally into the council and it just says that there is nothing i can do because both our names are on the tencey

Anon32000 Thu 27-Oct-16 16:17:27

To tell you the truth i never see his wage because he goes to the pub on a sunday with it. I pay for the shoping out of the child tax credit but i only work 12 hours a week at a preschool (3 mornings) so not much money but enought for me and the kids

GizmoFrisby Thu 27-Oct-16 16:19:11

So can you ring the council and explain the unreasonable behaviour and put your name down for another council property and cross your name off that one?? Not sure how it works. Sounds like you will be better off without him. So sooner the better smile

pumpkinpie71 Thu 27-Oct-16 16:22:16

Sounds like it could be a tricky one with the council I don't know what to recommend

Anon32000 Thu 27-Oct-16 16:22:30

I dont want to leave the kids and there is only my dad and he lives with my brother in a 2 bed house so no room and he works long silly hours so dont want to worry or bother him

pumpkinpie71 Thu 27-Oct-16 16:23:30

Do you have a citizens advice? They might be able to advise you in some way

Anon32000 Thu 27-Oct-16 16:25:14

Im not sure i will have to have a look

JellyBelli Thu 27-Oct-16 16:39:23

Contact Womens Aid for advice and practical help, and see if there is a local Law Centre you can use;
0808 2000 247
Freephone 24 hr National Domestic Violence Helpline Run in partnership between Women’s Aid & Refuge

www.womensaid.org.uk/?gclid=CPf7x8Oo-88CFVTnGwode4kMUg

ItShouldHaveBeenJess Thu 27-Oct-16 16:42:38

You poor thing.

It shouldn't be up to you to make alternative living arrangements; that's his call now. He's fucked up the marriage, so he moves out. End of. What an absolute arse. Am relieved you've made the right decision, and you will meet new friends in time - especially as you'll be far more confident and happy once you've got rid of this dead weight.

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