divorcing and learning to cope alone

[abmommy]

Hi, im new here and after any support I can get! My husband announced he was leaving in July after 21 years together but took til mid august to go. Two weeks after he'd gone our two teens discovered evidence online that he had a new relationship. He had already moved her in in spite of swearing there was noone else when he left. He refused to divorce me but said he would agree if I divorced him. He hasnt returned papers to my solicitor and refuses to see or even text me. Both our kids have additional needs but he's not attending any appointments in spite of professionals asking him to to help with kids mental health. I thought I was in a happy supportive marriage but now.... It's like my loving husband died and has been replaced by monster. He's now informed kids he will be away with other woman from xmas eve until mid jan. They are upset that they won't see him at all over festive period and feel abandoned.

[Sunflowersmiling]

Hi, oh sorry you've had no replies, I hope this bumps your message back up.
How awful for you, it sounds like a very difficult time for you and your children. There's really no easy answer, only take a day at a time, and remember to be kind to yourself. Its a huge loss. Do you have support locally? Sending a hug x

[abmommy]

Thanks whatyousee. I've done that. Dreading today as he will be coming to a school thing with my ds and I tonight. And tomorrow he's coming to an appointment with dd's dr. Think his mum has had a word with him after dd told her how unhappy she was with him.

[forumdonkey]

IME it's sometimes easier to do it alone, than having your exh in and out when he feels like it or being a twat.

[abmommy]

Lol. I know what you mean!

[Msqueen33]

What a shit! I have three kids and two have additional needs and our relationship is on the bare bones as I don't have a lot left to give. He sounds like a selfish bastard.

[sandragreen]

Re the divorce, I would set your solicitor onto sorting that out. That's what you are paying them for, to take the stress out of the process as much as they can.

It must be terribly difficult for you, but the man you loved is gone and you have this man in his place. Try to think of him as a new person, rather than expecting the "old him" to reappear.

[abmommy]

He came to family therapy for first time yesterday (our dad has anorexia and I have been attending weekly with her since she left hospital the day before he moved out). I walked out in tears when he said that my texting him about the children was preventing him from moving on with his new life. I wasn't crying because he's moving on, I could care less, I was crying because I was angry and couldn't lay into him in front of our daughter. I've had a panic attack today over stuff he said in front of me and to my daughter and therapist after id gone. It's as if he hasn't given anyone else a second thought since he left. He is a selfish little man. He said to my daughter that things would only get better when I find someone else and can move on. How arrogant? Just because I haven't jumped into bed with the first slapper I've come across like him does not mean im pining for his sorry ass. I wouldn't have him back if he begged but im fine on my own right now thank you, I do not need a man to feel good about myself. I want to be sure I can look after myself and my children alone before I ever let anyone else in. Shame he doesn't have the same morals. He us a walking midlife crisis. There's one of those spoof ladybird books called the midlife crisis and my daughter wants to give it him for Christmas!

[Myusernameismyusername]

What a fucking arsehole!!!!
I'm raging for you about what he said!!
How dare he... that is manipulative and nasty, there is no way any parent should be made to feel awful about involving the other parent in their child's lives as if you are trying to 'win' him back, I suppose that is what he is suggesting?
Disgusting
I wouldn't have him at any more appointments I cannot see how his behaviour is helpful so it's possibly better to leave him out of the loop as he is determined to make you the scapegoat for his terrible decisions and you do not need that in your life.

You are so much better off without him. Your poor kids too. I can't get over his behaviour at all so I can't imagine how you and your kids feel

Divorce ASAP!!

[abmommy]

Thank you. He's making me feel like this is my fault and I feel like im becoming the stereotypical bitter ex wife which I don't want to be. I want to watch him walk my daughter down the aisle at her own wedding one day, to be able to celebrate the kids graduations, special birthdays etc together, hell just to attend parents evening but he's making it impossible at the moment. Today our daughter hasn't eaten at all and I hold him responsible.

[Myusernameismyusername]

Somewhere inside he feels guilty but he can't cope with that and refusing or blind to taking responsibility so guess what? Abmommy can have the guilt on my behalf.much easier that way. She can have it all then I can have an easy life. I will also try to convince everyone else it's all Abmommy so then they blame her and not me. It's playing the game hot potato with his guilt

[abmommy]

He was supposed to pick the kids up at 1.30 today. My mum and dad had travelled up en route somewhere else to give my ds his birthday present (It's on Friday) and were staying for Sunday lunch but knew he was going to take kids out this afternoon and that was fine. At 1.45 he text my daughter and asked them to walk to his flat. She said no, we are ready and waiting here, if we are going out you'll have to drive back past our house anyway. Or nan and Grandad could drop us off.... He didn't reply and my dad decided they needed to be ontheir way anyway. DD texted him again and said that gps had gone he'd have to pick them up and he finally arrived 50 minutes late. I've had to make small talk with his parents when they've picked kids up from me because he won't but he refuses to come near mine. Sign of a guilty conscience? I've written out a list of all the professionals involved in the kids care and given it to the kids to handover to him. If he doesn't want me to keep him informed about his kids then he can contact them directly to ask. Although as daughter is 16 they won't be able to tell him anything without her permission and she's saying she won't give it. He is a pathetic little man.

[SandyY2K]

Sorry you're dealing with this. Doesn't he realise he's left you, but still has parental responsibility for his children?

Does he want to forget they exist or something?

I must say well done to your daughter for straight talking to him. How very immature that he thinks he can waltz off to his new side piece.

[abmommy]

I have no idea what he's thinking. Which after 21 years together is mind boggling. We used to finish each others sentences and have similar opinions on everything, now he's just following the midlife crisis script...

[bikerlou]

Yup I've just been through that exact same thing abmommy and felt suicidal literally for a month before starting to try and carry on. He didn't even bother to call his stepson of 17 years to say goodbye or I'm here for you or anything just buggered off to shag other women. As you can guess I like you am in grief stage bloody livid.
When he left he was all, I'll help you out, I won't just dump you - guess what I've just been dumped with everything, mortgage, bills, all the animals and the sick ones, a knackered car that won't last the winter just so he can go to nightclubs and carry on like the oldest swinger in town.
I had a great week and today have cried all day. It must be so much worse when they are his children too - just awful, I am furious he did this to you what a pathetic morally corrupt selfish loser.
I don't know how you or I can get through this, I've been doing voluntary work for the homeless and the Cat's Protection League and work full time and just try and get through each day somehow. And fill upp weekends. I guess it will get easier eventually.

[bikerlou]

It feels like you gave someone your heart and they stamped it to death in front of you.

[abmommy]

That's it exactly bikerlou. I'm sorry you're going through this too, although in a way it's kind of comforting to know im not the only one. Its the arrogance that I'm not moving on and im pining for him that makes me mad
he said to therapist and ds that I had refused to sell the marital home - It's a complete lie, I've been waiting weeks for him to ok the builders quote to put right his fuck up so I can put it on the market. Like I waited 9 weeks for divorce papers which should be returned in two. And he says im stopping him moving on? He's completely deluded.
Our cooker failed this week, I felt like crying with no way of cooking but I worked out it was the element that had failed and watched a YouTube video on how to replace one and fixed it myself. Felt really proud and relieved that I could do it myself without his help or needing to pay someone.

[abmommy]

How do you stop yourself going under? I'm exhausted by it all and feel im running on empty. While he plans 3 week holidays to the other side of the world. I am becoming someone I don't like very much, bitter and obsessive. Really low today.

[keepingonrunning]

Baby steps. Take one day at a time. Take time to nurture yourself. Have faith this shit period will pass and you will probably be in a better place a year from now.

[ImprovisingNow]

You stop yourself going under (IME) by being angry and by channelling that into making yourself a new life. You feel exhausted because you are still giving him headspace. Don't - and certainly don't do any more "counselling" with him. That is not doing anyone, including your DC, any good, it's just giving him a platform to pose on and justify the unjustifiable (can you tell I've been there?)

Every time he comes into your head think "fuckwit" or whatever abusive epithet you attach to him and push the thought away. He doesn't deserve anything from you, not even your thoughts. Don't talk to him, don't work around him. Don't enter into discussions of who sent what document when. He does not exist.

Communicate only by email - preferably one kept just for that purpose so you don't have to see him in your usual email account (set up a rule to forward all his emails automatically to a new email). If he doesn't stick to a time for seeing the DC he loses it, definitely don't run around sorting alternatives. Your DC are old enough to deal with him direct if they want to see him, you don't need to be involved.

Focus on you and on friends and leading your life how you want to. Let him have his 3 week luxury holidays with OW, they won't escape who they are.

And FWIW I think it is perfectly fine to feel angry and bitter - why wouldn't you? The person who was supposed to be the closest person in your life dicked you over in the most painful way - are you trying for sainthood? No didn't think so. Get angry with him, he deserves it.

In time you'll care less and less and you'll love your single life more and more - that's a promise,

[keepingonrunning]

Start focussing on YOU and how you can treat yourself.
When your mind drifts back to thoughts of him the feelings of rage and sadness will come back. That is the time to consciously shift your attention back to yourself, your family, your friends, your new freedom and the new opportunities it will bring. In time it will become a habit.
Thoughts > Feelings > Behaviour
Changing your thoughts is the first step.
He's a loser. Expect nothing from him then you won't be disappointed.

[keepingonrunning]

X post echoing Improv

[abmommy]

Thanks everyone. I was enjoying my nee single life before news of ow broke. Then he stopped seeing the kids regularly and as they both have extra needs it's meant im not able to get out with friends much at all. I know it will get better and I've already come a long way but it's shit right now. And he's lying about me... His family have been mine too for over 2 decades and now they all think im this scheming bitch who showed his kids stuff on the internet ti turn them against him and i didn't, they showed me. And nobody could have shown anyone anything if it wasn't there...

[keepingonrunning]

It hurts and it's not fair. The only comfort I can think of is you know within yourself what is true and what is not. The chances are that, when the chips are down, his family are going to side with him regardless. Look on it as having a few less Christmas cards to write from now on.
Or tell them the truth. They are only getting one side of the story and they will question his version of events if you contradict them.