Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Where to turn when the police won't help?

(11 Posts)
redisthenewblack Wed 26-Oct-16 19:17:38

I'm sorry for the length of this post.

I'm divorced from emotionally and physically abusive exH. We have 3 DC together so still need to have contact with him for drop-offs/pick-ups, etc. I thought that by kicking him out and divorcing him the abuse would end...how wrong I was!

I am verbally abused, threatened, called names etc. almost every time I have any contact with him. He sends text messages threatening violence against me and my DP. He has reported me to SS saying that I am a drug user and frequently take drugs in the presence of DC, and that I self harm and have done this in front of the DC too. He has reported me to the police for drink driving while collecting the children. He has told everyone who will listen that I have various mental health problems and that I am not capable of looking after my children because of this. (I suffer from PND and Anxiety). He calls me 'mental' regularly.

I have started recording every meeting with him as evidence of his ongoing abuse. In the last 10 days he has tried to smash my DPs car window, admitted to me he has sent people to my house to cause damage, threatened to send them back again, and to send them to assault my DP.

I have contacted the police on several occasions over the last 5 years when he has attacked me. I contacted them again last week when he tried to smash the windows/made threats. The PO who came to speak to me seemed genuine and helpful. He was appalled that this has been going on for 5 years and the police haven't pushed for a prosecution. He said the case would be referred to the DV team and that someone would contact me. He could not believe DV hadn't contacted me up to this point,

8 days with no update, I called the station today asking what was going on. PO who is dealing with my complaint was going to call me back. I'm still waiting.

The CPS have said previously that they won't take on the case due to lack of evidence - my word against his basically. The police have not bothered to listen to the recordings/videos I have on my phone. They have not interviewed witnesses. They have never taken photos of/documented any of my injuries. They have never contacted my GP for their assessment of my injuries.

I'm at a loss. I need this to stop. Mentally and physically, I can't cope any more. I am physically sick on the days I know I will have to drop our DC off with him/he brings them back. I can't sleep because I'm scared of people coming to my house and causing damage, or assaulting my DP when he's out. I daren't go to the garden to take my bin out on an evening. I can't go out to my utility room to bring in the washing because I'm terrified of being attacked. I'm having panic attacks again, despite being on a huge dose of anti-depressants. I just don't know what to do.

I'm not sure what I'm expecting from this thread. Does anyone have any experience of dealing with an incompetent police force and what can I do to push them into doing something?

KellyElly Wed 26-Oct-16 19:20:39

Document everything and go for a non molestation order. The police have to act. My ex got a harassment warning for less than what your ex has done. The police took it seriously. I can't understand why the police in your area aren't.

redisthenewblack Wed 26-Oct-16 19:34:34

He was given a harassment order a few months back. It didn't work as we needed to communicate about the children (Handovers, etc.)
The police even said it was useless at the time it was given to him as there was no feasible way we couldn't have contact somewhere down the line due to the DC, but to be honest I think it was easier for him to fob me off with the HO than it was to try to press charges.

ThisisMrsNicolaHicklin Wed 26-Oct-16 19:58:59

I think you need to take this to the police complaints people. If you've been making complaints for 5 years and nothing has been properly investigated either the DV team are incompetent or they have prejudices against you. Neither of those can be allowed to stand. I have no idea how you would go about it (hopefully someone will be along who does) but you deserve to be protected.

sohackedoff Wed 26-Oct-16 20:02:42

No experience but could you not involve a Contact Centre so you never have to see him?

redisthenewblack Wed 26-Oct-16 20:10:06

There are no contact centres round here hacked. SS have been involved as the police had to report to them that violence had taken place with the DC in the property (they didn't see anything) but they basically said that sInce he's not a danger to the children they will not suggest stopping contact, and all they advised was that handovers were done in a public place or in the presence of a 3rd party. He lives with his mum so there's always someone else there but she either doesn't care/is too scared of him to say anything, so she lets him get on with it. I have tried doing handovers in the police station car park and at a supermarket as there are always people around. It doesn't deter him in the slightest, he's still verbally abusive no matter who sees/hears.

horrayforharoldlloyd Wed 26-Oct-16 20:11:50

OP, I am in exactly the same position as you. Can you do handovers at school - so ex picks up from there? Keep all communication to email not texts or phone calls.

redisthenewblack Wed 26-Oct-16 20:25:24

I'm so sorry you're going through this too hooray. It really is the shits isn't it.
DC are DS(3) & DTs(1). So none of them are at school yet. He also doesn't have a car (another way he is still managing to control/financially abuse me; 'I dont have a car so you need to drop them off at 4.30pm when I get in and collect them at 6.15am before I go to work, and because I have them for 3 nights I'll just pay you the minimum maintenace I can get away with.')

I have blocked his number so any communication is through what'sapp. I screenshot and exchanges that are particularly bad but have got every message saved going right back to our initial break up.

FrancesHaHa Wed 26-Oct-16 20:28:18

I would contact a domestic violence advisor. They can advise you on your rights, and advocate with the police. Have a look on your council's website to find details.

Non molestation orders can be given with caveats about contact for example they can state no contact except for hand overs/ about the children, that he is not allowed to intimidate, pester or harass you. For some police officers a non mol might kick them into action. Also, if the police don't do anything, you can still take him back to the civil courts.

The National Centre for Domestic Violence can give you free legal advice on 0800 970 2070

glenthebattleostrich Wed 26-Oct-16 20:50:44

Do your children go to childcare? I am currently facilitating handovers in a difficult case.

Definitely contact the DV team and the police complaints people. This should not have gone on for so long.

horrayforharoldlloyd Wed 26-Oct-16 21:28:07

Mine are very young too. Is contact court ordered? Does his Mum drive?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now