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My husband criticises me a lot and I am not sure what's normal...

(20 Posts)
Burratorchildhood Wed 26-Oct-16 17:28:29

My husband is the text book emotionally distant, critical husband. I am an overworked mum who barely holds it together - sometimes I feel like I am spinner my so many plates. We have been married for 14 years and have 2 children. I work hard, he works hard and there seems to be no middle ground. We criticise one another. I don't understand him and he doesn't understand me.obviously it wasn't always like this, but just after our second child was born (7 weeks) my dad died suddenly and things haven't been right since. I felt he didn't help and baby was ill till 9 months old with reflux so had zero sleep on top of everything. This was 3 years ago but I can't seem to move on. It was as though I saw him with new eyes and fell out of love. Sometimes I wonder if all this is a result of having baby and losing dad all within a very close period of time. Mum and dad divorced and mum hated my dad so I had to sort out all the funeral stuff with a baby on my knee. Soooo this was 3 years ago but still weighs heavy on me. Any thoughts?

adora1 Wed 26-Oct-16 17:39:47

Terrible, where was his support when you were going through that, he sounds utterly selfish and I'm afraid I'd not want to be with someone that didn't have my back, wasn't happy to support me and made me feel cherished, it's the are minimum.

I think a lot of women on here are stuck with horrible uncaring men because of financial and/or children and are trying to make the best out of a shit situation where the man reigns supreme and the female is left trapped and to a certain extent abused, it's terribly sad reading.

You need to tell him exactly how he has made you feel, be completely honest, if he is not interested in repairing the damage he caused, I'd call it a day.

Girliefriendlikesflowers Wed 26-Oct-16 17:42:37

It sounds like some sort of couple counselling might help, it may make it clear whether this relationship is worth working on or leaving if nothing else.

Burratorchildhood Wed 26-Oct-16 18:06:58

I think I would have left him if it wasn't for the girls. You are right adora1, he doesn't 'have my back' and this is what bothers me deep down. He makes a fuss of the girls and they adore him but I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. It's hard having to boost my own self esteem because nobody else does. There have been emotional 'incidents' in the past where I have felt so let down. How on earth do people leave relationships when kids are involved? I have also talked to him about counselling. I am only 42 and feel as though I have a lot to give someone.

Burratorchildhood Wed 26-Oct-16 18:09:31

The reason I said I didn't know what was normal is because I am so used to living like this. We muddle through and then when I am on holiday (like now) everything gets dredged up. It's because we spend time together on holiday but we are not 'together' if that makes sense? It's lonely.

Molly333 Wed 26-Oct-16 18:34:09

A lovely friend of mine was also in a situation in her marriage where her husband didn't support her . She too also opened her eyes to the man he was . As time went by she realised other times where he didn't support her and in the end the marriage crumbled . In my opinion this is pivotal here to how you feel

leaveittothediva Wed 26-Oct-16 18:47:42

I know what you mean, you had an awful lot on your plate at that particular time, and you had no soft place to fall, you were basically left to fend for yourself. In the main, babies are wonderful, but they do sometimes test a relationship to its limits, especially when women have to do the lions share. I personally feel you resent him for not being there for you, and of course then you are critical of him, and you have every right to feel that way. It takes a long time to grieve, you had no bloody chance with an ill baby and no support. You possibly need to start therapy of some kind, to sort through how you feel. And why wouldn't you fall out of love with him. You've found nothing to recommend him, he adores his girls while he critiques their mother. No. He hasn't got your back. You have to start putting yourself first, even before your children. There's a saying I heard. "if mamma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy". You need a relationship overhaul. Your not alone, we all struggle in relationships, anyone says they don't is a liar, or in denial. You've got to dredge it all up as you say, how can you not.? Good luck.

Burratorchildhood Wed 26-Oct-16 18:49:09

Hi molly333. Did your friend do ok?

Burratorchildhood Wed 26-Oct-16 18:50:55

Thank you leaveittothediva. You have basically hit the nail on the head. X

Molly333 Fri 28-Oct-16 00:13:39

She's divorcing him now , she had just had enough, he's also quite selfish . She replaced him with a cat 😊

TheNaze73 Fri 28-Oct-16 07:37:19

If you both want to make it work, then some counselling should help. Not being critical in any way here however, from his standpoint, it can be incredibly tough supporting people going through grief. Some people have such barriers inevitably, they do become distant & almost impossible to help. Not one part of this is a criticism op, just an alternative potential viewpoint.
It sounds like a classic communication breakdown, both of you feel unappreciated but, I hope you find a resolution, if you both want it. Good luck

Basicbrown Fri 28-Oct-16 07:42:23

I think the first step here is relationship counselling like thenaze. Losing a parent is massively hard and he may not have known how to effectively support you, hence the distance. Difficult times I think often create issues in relationships.

Endoftheroad16 Fri 28-Oct-16 07:47:33

I'm in a similar situation myself. My dad died last year and my husband just went out drinking with his mates most nights and left me too it - heavily pregnant with a toddler!

I don't love my husband but am also feeling trapped so I can empathise with you!

Madinche1sea Fri 28-Oct-16 07:58:12

So sorry you're going through this OP. You must feel very lonely.
I'm in no way making excuses for your husband, but some men can feel very overwhelmed dealing with grief because they find it hard to "do" emotion themselves, if that makes sense? It's also very common for them to feel a bit pushed out after a baby because of the intensity of the mother/baby relationship. So communication breaks down and the void deepens.
I agree counselling is worth a try before you give up. People react to stress in different ways.

Joysmum Fri 28-Oct-16 08:05:29

The first step isn't counselling, the first step is in deciding if you both want to fix things. E.g. I love you but things aren't as good as they need to be, what do you think?

It way well be the DH doesn't see a problem and wants to keep the status quo. Best to encourage him to talk to get clues on his attitude so save emotionally investing in something that may not be fixable.

Basicbrown Fri 28-Oct-16 08:11:23

The first step isn't counselling, the first step is in deciding if you both want to fix things.

Surely that is part of counselling if communication has broken down....?

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 28-Oct-16 08:26:09

Re your comment:-
"I think I would have left him if it wasn't for the girls".

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Think about that and leave everything else and everyone else but you out of that question.

Its precisely because of them that you should leave; is this really what you want to teach them about relationships?.

What do you think they are learning about relationships here and what do you want to teach them about same?. That is no legacy to leave them, do you really want them to pick a man just like yours is when they are adults too?. And no, they do not bloody well adore him either. They will become the overworked mothers spinning plates whilst their man does not support them nor have their back.

Getting back to you, your mother has also let you down here and badly so.

What has your H said about counselling?. If in the event he has refused to go then go on your own. Emotionally distant and critical Hs do not change for anyone.

Offred Fri 28-Oct-16 08:49:09

some men can feel very overwhelmed dealing with grief because they find it hard to "do" emotion themselves, if that makes sense? It's also very common for them to feel a bit pushed out after a baby because of the intensity of the mother/baby relationship. So communication breaks down and the void deepens.

I think this is a very problematic thing to say. I had a husband who was like this and eventually I just reached the point where I said 'no more'. I, like the OP, did not have an option to deal with things badly by becoming unsupportive and closed off, it literally didn't matter how I would naturally have liked to deal with stress because given my H's withdrawal holding the marriage together and looking after the children had all fallen to me.

The difference between men and women in situations like this is merely sense of/practical levels of responsibility. Men and women are raised to think women are the responsible ones, the feelings ones and men often just opt out leaving it all to the woman. Of course they could choose not to deal with stress by avoiding it, I know this because I have a highly avoidant personality but I still managed to deal with it all because it was left to me to deal with it.

I just don't think IME you can come back from this kind of selfish withdrawal. I think you are seeing that now, that afterwards it is never forgiven or forgotten if there hasn't been any acknowledgement or change on your H's part. He feels entitled, as my H did, to withdraw because things were tough. That is a privilege you were not afforded.

I think at this point your marriage is dead and you should leave TBH. I am much happier now.

Basicbrown Fri 28-Oct-16 09:01:54

He feels entitled, as my H did, to withdraw because things were tough. That is a privilege you were not afforded.

The op has also withdrawn from her husband. I am glad you are happier and it was the right decision for you but the op needs to make her own.

Relationships are difficult when times are tough, people react badly. They have been married for 14 years.

There is also no suggestion that he is a lazy arse who leaves everything to her, the op says that they both work hard. The only issues re not pulling weight were around the time of the birth of her second child that have been stated anyway.

The issue is the op is not happy, she needs to work out how best to resolve that. This is not a clear cut ltb case although perhaps they will be happier apart.

AmberGreyson Fri 28-Oct-16 09:16:18

he just doesn't support you, I am so sorry, you need to talk with him and make some decision

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