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DH becoming more chauvinist with age! - how to nip it in the bud?

(9 Posts)
Quandry Wed 26-Oct-16 15:55:17

I know there are other threads about dominant, chauvinist DHs at the moment, but thought I'd start my own, rather than hijack another.

This has been troubling me for some time now and I need to do something about it.

DH is 53 and I'm 51. Married 21 years with two teenage boys.
We are both 'professionals' in our respective fields and have had 'important' well-paid jobs in our careers. Both earned equal salaries in corporate life.
DH left and set up his own business about 10 years ago. I left when kids in primary and ran my own consultancy, but then ended up being carer to my mum who had Alzheimers until she died a couple of years ago. I haven't worked much since then, but have done voluntary work for a local charity and a bit of freelance PR/copywriting.

Things used to be equal-ish on the domestic front, although I know that I always had all the responsibility for the 'head space' tasks to do with the kids, schools, social life etc.

But recently I've noticed that DH seems to be becoming more and more like his (IMO very chauvinistic) father as he gets older.

So, some random examples from the last few weeks:
- tuts and asks why we've run out of something (marmalade)
- asks me to buy things for him 'when I go out' (he works in a town and goes out for lunch every day)
- calls me whenever he is travelling/driving/on train with spurious reminders & requests for things (phone numbers, 'what's the traffic like on Google maps', 'can you give X a ring')

Today was the final straw which made me think about this. He has a particular issue with one part of his business which needs more promotion. He has no marketing/PR experience (is in financial services). I suggested a PR idea which he immediately liked and said could I help him develop and I agreed. We talked very briefly about it and I assumed I'd go away and work it up.

I've just received an email from him which is two A4 pages long detailing EXACTLY what he thinks we should do (all crap ideas, since this is not his field of experience) and concludes with him more or less saying 'can you implement this and send me a copy by end of play tomorrow'.

I am so angry

I offered to help him and now he is treating me like his f*cking PA!
I haven't dared to call him or reply yet as I know I won't be able to contain my anger.

Gymnopedies Wed 26-Oct-16 16:05:01

I would reply with:" yes, it will be £x". with a huge amount (to try and deflect the anger, but yes I think a chat is on the cards).

Msqueen33 Wed 26-Oct-16 16:06:31

I'd be waiting by the door out of sight with a pan to clatter him with.

mumonashoestring Wed 26-Oct-16 16:07:23

Oh dear...

I'd be inclined to reply with something along the lines of 'since you appear to be planning to treat this as an employee/employer relationship, here are my consultancy rates (insert vastly inflated fees)'. The best approach though would be to wait until he's there in person, read the email back to him, point out that whilst it might be a reasonable tone to use with a staff member it is absolutely not the correct way to ask your wife/partner for a favour and go from there.

Cynara Wed 26-Oct-16 16:08:13

Cheeky sod! As Gym says, invoice him!

adora1 Wed 26-Oct-16 16:09:16

I was just about to say that, he does see you as his PA and sorry to say but it sounds like his maid also, not sure how you change that, has it not been going on for years?

Just tell him what you have told us, it's not happening!

Quandry Wed 26-Oct-16 16:13:07

Oh good, at least it's not just me over-reacting then!

I think the problem is that he doesn't have any staff members! He has 'virtual' staff working on different projects for him at different times.

I can't help feeling that the way he seems to be beginning to treat me is an age/status thing. Some of his friends are now in big corporate jobs with huge teams and although his business is ticking over successfully it doesn't have any of the 'trappings' e.g. business entertaining, posh car etc

When I've pulled him up on some of these things recently he's made comments such as 'well, it's not as if you're working' which really gets my back up. As if I'm suddenly little wifey at home.

notinagreatplace Wed 26-Oct-16 16:21:01

It sounds like part of the issue is that you haven't really had a proper conversation about what your role is, if you're not planning to go back to work. It doesn't excuse him treating you like this but it sounds like you've drifted a bit and it's just not very clear who is responsible for what domestically.

To be honest, I think your best bet to sort this would be to get back to consultancy.

TheNaze73 Wed 26-Oct-16 16:32:44

I think he's seen you as an equal previously, when you were in the corporate sense however, now you're not, he's seeing you differently. Think you need to talk & redefine your roles now. No excuse for how he's gone about it but, there seems a lot of assumptions

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