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I need help, it's a mess . .

(14 Posts)
Mayasun Tue 25-Oct-16 12:45:43

Hello

I am not sure if this the right place for this but my issue isn't about conception or pregnancy really, so this was the best place I could think of to put it.

I am in a huge mess right now and can't figure out what to do for the best. I am 37 and pregnant (5 months ) with my first child. I have been with DH for six years and married for 4. We knew almost from the start that kids would be a problem, he had been in a LTR before we met and had some tests back then. None of that mattered at the time we met, I never felt maternal and kids were not on my agenda. Now a few years later and bam! couldn't get the thought out of my mind.

We tried for eight months (optimistic I suppose), took a break, tried again, nothing. He had a low count so I was expecting some problems, he was tested again and was diagnosed with Azoospermia. I was, and still am, devistated. I knew it would be difficult but I never thought it would be impossible to have a baby. We discussed it and a sperm donor was the only viable solution.

A few days ago I was in the kitchen when DH came in and started to have a go at me for not discussing some stuff I had bought online for the baby. It was a stroller and some other bits, nothing major. He was going on about how I never involve him in the baby stuff and keep everything to myself. This isn't true, I have discussed with him about the donor and tell him about scans so he knows when and has come along with me.

As he was speaking my initial reaction (I NEVER ACTUALLY SAID ANYTHING) was "What's it got to do with you, you're not the father". I never said those words but thought them, and since then I can't get the thought out of my head. I wanted this baby, not DH, he was ok about it but not overly excited or anything. I did all the chasing and research about the donor and arranged everything myself, he was there but didn't actually arrange any of it himself. I didn't discuss the stroller with him because I just assumed he wasn't interested. I have no idea where to go from here, I feel alone with the baby and feel awful for being like this. This was supposed to be good thing for us but it has just made me feel further away.

While we were initially discussing the whole donor thing I found a text on DH phone to his brother, his brother was taking the piss out of the situation, trying to be funny I suppose.

He text something like "well mate you could have saved yourself a few grand and just got her dressed up and sent her down the pub, a quick shag and you're done".

It wasn't those exact words but close, and now when I think of it maybe that would have been best. At least I would have known my baby's father in some way, had some connection. I am carrying a strangers baby and don't know what to do, I love my baby but I don't feel like I fit in my marriage anymore. During counselling we touched on and discussed this but it seemed fine at the time, I thought it would be fine, not like this.

I'm in such a mess.

Mrsemcgregor Tue 25-Oct-16 12:53:49

Goodness you poor thing, what a hugely emotional thing to be going through.

I have no real advice but I can emphasise a little. My last marriage broke down due to XH infertility and his refusal to use a donor or adopt. For him it was his biological child or no child and I couldn't give up motherhood for him.

I hope someone comes along with some advice for you soon flowers

OhNoNotMyBaby Tue 25-Oct-16 12:54:13

Don't want to read and run.. but this is a very tricky one. You obviously love your baby but the pregnancy is revealing distance and trouble in your relationship with DH.

Does your DH want to be more involved? Is he really onboard with the baby? [I appreciate it's too late to do anything now, but does/did he genuinely want to be a father?

He's no doubt feeling left out and redundant. Can you focus on conversations about the 3 of you as a family, rather than as independent non-related people?

crayfish Tue 25-Oct-16 12:54:40

It is a mess, and quite an odd situation to end up in. I can't get my head around you making the decision to use a donor together and as a married couple and yet you seem to consider the baby just yours.

I think your DH has a point to be honest, if you subconsciously (or consciously it sounds like) feel that the baby isn't his then you probably are leaving him out.

How did the discussions about the donor go? I certainly know that in my marriage had we had to go down that road it would have been on the understanding that the baby was 'ours' regardless of biology. It doesn't sound like this is the situation for you at all, but I can't understand why? If I had a baby with donor eggs or adopted a baby, it would be mine anyway, that's just how I would feel. I doesn't sound like you feel this baby is your husbands and it actually sounds like he would like it to be more than you are allowing.

Penfold007 Tue 25-Oct-16 12:54:42

Your DH must have been devastated to have discovered he was infertile and his brother's 'joking' was tactless at best.

If you really don't see him as the father you need to be honest with him and end the relationship. It does sound as though you are excluding him.

HuskyLover1 Tue 25-Oct-16 13:13:01

Not to minimise how you are feeling now...but, I do think you will feel much better once the baby is here. I found it hard to feel a strong connection with my babies before they were born. But the connection was instant when I could see them, hold them, feed them etc. And I think, as you observe your DH being a father to the baby, these negative feelings will lessen. He is going to be this baby's Dad, not some anonymous sperm donor. Your hormones will be all over the place at the moment. Going forward, include your DH in ALL decisions about the baby. There are billions of families where the father isn't the biological father. It matters not. What matters is who is doing the actual parenting. It's just the same as being a step parent. It will all be fine.

Mintychoc1 Tue 25-Oct-16 13:30:21

I think you need to speak frankly with your DH about this. If he wants to stay in the marriage and make a go of fatherhood, you're going to need to set some ground rules. You need to discuss baby purchases together, he needs to come to appointments with you etc. If he wants to stay around but is struggling with it, then he should contact the clinic where you had treatment as they are likely to have counsellors who can speak to him.

If he's decided he doesn't want to be involved at all, then you need to split up now so you can start to prepare for being s single parent.

My ex agreed to donor treatment then baled out when I was pregnant. We split up, I've been fine - DS1 is 11 now and I've gone on to have DS2 on my own too.

The main thing is you need to communicate your respective fears and concerns.

Mantis1975 Tue 25-Oct-16 13:36:51

What an awful situation.

I think HuskyLover is correct and that it might be hormone and stress related for both of you.
I know the few weeks before my kids were born, especially my first, I was a bit of (a lot of) a mess.
Hopefully this is all just those fears manifesting and they'll evaporate away as soon as you hold your baby.
It may take slightly longer for your DH but probably not much.
Good luck.

JoJoSM2 Tue 25-Oct-16 13:47:34

tbh to me it sounds like you spent a long time trying for a baby, he wasn't able to have a biological one so agreed to a sperm donor. Now, he wants to involved (a stroller is a big purchase, btw) and YOU're the one pushing him away and saying that he doesn't.

It comes across that you blame him for not being able to have a biological child and you're resentful when in reality he's been supportive of the whole donor thing.

NickiFury Tue 25-Oct-16 14:01:36

It comes across that you blame him for not being able to have a biological child and you're resentful when in reality he's been supportive of the whole donor thing.

It doesn't at all hmm

It comes across that OP is resentful that he didn't much care about getting to the point they're at now, op did all the grafting and now he's moaning about push chairs. Makes me wonder if he's like that in other ways to be honest.

I know a couple in a similar situation, but reversed, biologically his child but not hers. They've been in it together from the outset and it wouldn't cross his mind to ever say she's not the mother but they're a very bonded and mutually supportive couple. That's why I wonder if there's more to this?

CharminglyGawky Tue 25-Oct-16 14:09:23

I think my DH is struggling to really 'get' the whole idea of fatherhood and to be honest so am I to a certain extent. The idea that the wriggly thing that keeps poking me in the ribs is an actual little person is mind boggling and I'm the one getting poked! I also found that at about 5mo I really detached myself from my own pregnancy, this is a much wanted and longed for pregnancy but I started doubting everything at 5 months.

It sounds like he is trying to be involved which is great, let him! I actually think the buggy is one of the biggest purchases for a baby so I get why he could feel a little pushed out that you didn't talk to him.

Do you think that once the baby is here and you see him doing nappy changes, night wakings, early mornings etc that you will feel differently about him not being the biological father? To me a father is the person who takes on the parenting role, biology comes second to love and simply being there.

MatildaTheCat Tue 25-Oct-16 18:56:39

Your poor dh. He clearly does want to be involved and can probably guess you are paying lip service to this. 'I told him when the scans were' isn't more than the bare minimum.

Then his brother sends that totally disgusting text which both takes the piss and undermines his fragile self esteem. He must feel shit.

Just imagine a reversed situation and how miserable the woman would be if her dh did absolutely everything to sort out a surrogate and then started making decisions alone like the buggy.

OP, are you not in the uk because I'm surprised pre donor counselling didn't look at this kind of thing? Please, please get back onside with your dh and HIS child. Do this thing together and in the meantime tell his brother to fuck right off and never speak to either of you in such revolting terms ever again.

ICuntSeeYourPoint Tue 25-Oct-16 19:13:16

Have you spoken about him adopting the baby when its born, so it will be HIS child, not some stranger's? I think you both need more counselling about this, if you want to stay in the relationship. Do you still want that, to be a family, or have your feelings changed now?

FenellaMaxwell Tue 25-Oct-16 19:21:01

It does sound like you've been making some of the bigger decisions like the pushchair without him - can we ask why that is? My DH would have been upset if I'd left him out of things like that too.

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