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I dont know if this is abusive or if I am just oversensitive?

(149 Posts)
Onlyonce Tue 25-Oct-16 10:04:38

Ok I am probably just very confused. In no way do I want to minimise the experiences of those who are or have experienced abuse but I don't know if my situation is or not. It could just be me feeling a bit tired at the moment

I am going to do what a lot of posters seem to do and say that in general I think he is a good guy. Works hard, spends quality time with our dd. I just want some perspectives on each of the following points

Over the 8 years we have been together there have been spells of name calling about my body - along the lines of thunder thighs, chubby. After dd was born we were not intimate for about 9 months as he found my belly 'off putting'. Recent comments have happened during dtd - e.g - 'if you were more toned I would dtd with you more often' 'if you get a six pack we can have another baby'. I am at the stage now where I just block it out so it actually doesn't upset me as much as it used to. I used to tell him that it was hurtful but he just didn't get it.

One instance during dtd when I said I didn't want to do something and him saying he would do it anyway. I repeated no and he stopped. He has never been physically abusive with me.

One that is just 'annoying' waking me up to dtd after he comes to bed much later than me and I am already fast asleep

When dd was born, refusal to help with night feeding at all. Thankfully she slept through at 3 months but I was on my knees with exhaustion and begged him to help. Complaining about his sleep being disturbed when I went to feed her.

DD is very hard to settle at night. She is almost ready to drop her day time nap but sometimes she is so exhausted she really needs it. Last night she was screaming for me to go to her. He thinks we just have to ignore her until she learns to settle. I can kind of see his point but he threatened to break up with me if I went in to see her last night. She did settle eventually.

Payment is due for dd's swimming lessons. We need to pay for the next term or will lose her place. he says he wont pay for it until we have talked about a few other things that need doing in the house. I don't have the cash to pay for it or I would just do it myself

Telling me my admin job is rubbish and that I should get a better job / earn more money. I work ft and do all shopping / cleaning / pick ups and drop offs / any appointments / laundry etc

Sorry this is long. I just need a rant

paulapantsdown Tue 25-Oct-16 10:08:26

He sounds like a rude, cock lodging, sex pest creep to me. Does he have any endearing qualities?

WallToWallBastards Tue 25-Oct-16 10:11:20

He sounds vile, frankly.

OhNoNotMyBaby Tue 25-Oct-16 10:11:30

As ^ he is an abusive twat.

Onlyonce Tue 25-Oct-16 10:12:16

It probably sounds like he is a sex pest but those examples are spread out. He isn't asking for sex all the time as such.

As I said he really cares about dd. Spent all yesterday evening carving a lovely pumpkin for her. He plays beautifully with her.

Onlyonce Tue 25-Oct-16 10:14:00

I don't think I would mind so much but he seems incapable of giving me a compliment. He will critisize if dinner isn't nice but doesn't say if it's nice.

Tarttlet Tue 25-Oct-16 10:14:39

What would happen if you told him that he had a tiny cock? (I'm not advising this by the way, just wondering how he'd respond to comments about HIS body) Would he take it as a joke or would he be hurt?

Onlyonce Tue 25-Oct-16 10:14:55

God that last post sounded stupid. Sorry

TroubledTrouble Tue 25-Oct-16 10:14:56

I can't think of any redeeming features he would have that would make up for that kind of disgusting behaviour. You do not have to put up with it, and you deserve better.

BadToTheBone Tue 25-Oct-16 10:15:33

He's a bully and he's abusive,. Just because he hasn't hit you physically don't mean he's not abusive and that's from someone who did suffer the physical too. If you look back you'll be able to see a gradual escalation, that won't slow down or stop, it will escalate, it may never get physical but tbh I found the EA worse than the physical, although I can't speak for others on that, obviously. It's easy to say LTB as I'm not actually emotionally invested here but I think it's something you need to start considering.

TroubledTrouble Tue 25-Oct-16 10:15:56

Also, your child deserves better. He has already shown that he will involve her.

Onlyonce Tue 25-Oct-16 10:16:13

I've said before how would he feel if I commented that I wanted a muscle man or whatever. He is very slim. He said it t wouldn't bother him

SleepFreeZone Tue 25-Oct-16 10:16:58

Sounds like an absolute tool to be honest.

LoisWooookersonsLastNerve Tue 25-Oct-16 10:17:19

Sorry but he doesn't sound very nice op. Emotionally abusive in my opinion flowers

Onlyonce Tue 25-Oct-16 10:17:40

I can't leave. Not an option for me. I know everyone will think I should. I just needed to offload really.

pugsake Tue 25-Oct-16 10:18:07

He sounds horrible flowers

BadToTheBone Tue 25-Oct-16 10:18:14

His behaviour to his dd doesn't excuse his behaviour to you, they are differebtvrelationships. Please don't think he's a nice person to you because he loves his child.

ThatStewie Tue 25-Oct-16 10:18:29

It's abusive behaviour. Working hard and playing with your child aren't signs of a great guy. They are an absolute minimum requirement and everyone deserves better than the bare minimum. The way he speaks to you is abusive. And the way he treats you is abusive.

BadToTheBone Tue 25-Oct-16 10:20:20

The option to leave is always there, it may be inconvenient or difficult but it's there.

Thefitfatty Tue 25-Oct-16 10:21:10

I think you know full well this isn't on. His comments and behavior can't leave you feeling very self confident or happy? I would call this abuse, because its undermining your self confidence in order to control you. He's also demonstrating that he doesn't really care about your emotional or physical well being. It's definitely abuse IMHO.

Onlyonce Tue 25-Oct-16 10:22:04

I'm not claiming to be miss perfect here. I'm probably a bit disorganised and clumsy. And set in my ways I suppose

wowwee123 Tue 25-Oct-16 10:22:27

whatever he is or isnt, constant comments like that are going to knock your confidence.

i imagine you will constantly be wondering why he is with you if he seemingly finds you so unattractive.

someone will think you are beautiful as you are. you need that someone not this horrible looser bringing you down at any opportunity.

why cant you leave?

MrsA2015 Tue 25-Oct-16 10:22:34

He's abusive, end of. The mere fact that these incidents stick out to you tells you that's they're not normal. Who the hell is he to say he's not paying for something till other things have been discussed? Are you a child incapable of leading an adult life? Tell him to pull his head in or to sling it

Costacoffeeplease Tue 25-Oct-16 10:26:14

If this is an example of a good guy, I'd hate to see a bad one

Your judgement here is skewed, probably due to his emotional abuse

If it's not an option to leave at the moment, then think about what you need to put in place to enable you to be free of him - and make that your priority

Onlyonce Tue 25-Oct-16 10:28:03

It's odd because he can be very kind. And he makes me laugh. Some times can be thoughtful. I would really like to make our relationship better. I am a bit of a knee jerk reactor to things. I think I get that from my mum really

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