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Online dating - feel like I'm looking for a unicorn!

(19 Posts)
Wren1975 Tue 25-Oct-16 00:48:20

I've been online dating for roughly six months and had quite a few dates but can't seem to meet anyone who I could actually have a relationship with sad
So far I've had Mr LooksNothingLikeMyPhoto, Mr LiedAboutMyAge, Mr LiedAboutMyHeight, Mr 45ButLiveWithMyParents, Mr SexPest, Mr MessageEveryDayThenRandomlyDisappear, Mr 40YearOldVirgin, Mr DownrightNasty, Mr Haven'tWorkedInTenYears, Mr Can'tStringTwoWordsTogether and Mr DrinkProblem.
I just want to meet a normal, decent man but I feel like I'm looking for a unicorn!
Any advice would be appreciated

singingsixpence82 Tue 25-Oct-16 01:40:43

I did online dating for years - met around 130 men, only 2 with actual relationship potential and it didn't work out with either. And that was after sifting through thousands of profiles and choosing the best people on there. I've also done meetup (met loads of funny, interesting women at almost every event I went to!) and tried to expand my social circle in other ways and take up new hobbies. Still nothing. I sympathise! There are various dating agencies that offer to go out and find matches for you and I'm currently considering that as an option. I think one of the biggest ones is search mate. It's unbelievable frustrating as I don't have particularly crazy expectations. Just someone who is relatively intelligent, always kind and who has the relationship skills needed to actually make a relationship enjoyable (to be fair this is the bit where they all seem to fall down - something to do with male socialisation unfortunately).

JoJoSM2 Tue 25-Oct-16 02:06:05

Are you on the wrong site? When I used online dating, I had such bad luck only very occasionally. Otherwise, it was mostly a case of MrNiceGuyButNoChemistry.

whatyouseeiswhatyouget Tue 25-Oct-16 08:29:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dobbyandme Tue 25-Oct-16 11:03:16

It can be as difficult finding someone online as it is in reality. They are there but it rarely happens overnight.

I OLD for about a year, continuing to date from extended social circles in the meantime and just tried to have a laugh with it really rather than getting hung up on it.

There was a guy I had a lot of chemistry with but he was Mr LivingWithParentsWhilstDivorcing which was far from ideal. In the end I asked for the reasons behind his divorce and living situation (ExW was a serial cheater and slow with the divorce paperwork), and decided to give it a shot anyway.

Five years later we're engaged, own a property together, have DD1 (1) and are starting to plan for DC2.

We bicker and have the odd argument like every couple, but mostly we're very happy. For me what seemed like a donkey turned out to be the unicorn.

I think you just have to take the attitude that even though you are proactively looking, you won't meet someone you can have a relationship with until you are meant to have that relationship, so just have fun with the search.

Zebra999 Tue 25-Oct-16 13:51:38

if it's any consolation, my friend is mid 50s and she has been doing online dating for a decade and only just met someone she could have a relationship with.

I haven't started doing it yet as the whole thought of it terrifies me!

DrMorbius Tue 25-Oct-16 14:52:01

she has been doing online dating for a decade and only just met someone she could have a relationship with

10 years, my god she deserves a medal, not a BF. smile.

Is it the OLD "gig" that is the problem. My extended group of friends are all 45-55 males. The singles never seem to be out of the dating loop and yet none of them are OLD.

I don't know if you have ever stumbled on to the dating thread on here, it's the desperado's meets the last chance saloon sad

donajimena Tue 25-Oct-16 15:03:55

I got really lucky. Was online for 6 months. I didn't actually use the site to look through profiles I just put one up myself. I didn't respond to many messages though because most of them were nonsense but one day I received a message from someone who had clearly read my profile and related to it.
His photos were pretty bad and didn't do him justice so I went on a date with no expectations. My first words to him were 'thank god you look so much better than your photos' blush to which he replied 'so do you' grin
We hit it off and have been together nearly two years
My advice fwiw is don't necessarily judge by a pic (as you found out its not necessarily anything like real life)
Secondly don't think of OLD as something with an expiry date. So many of my friends say oh I tried it it didn't work and take their profile down...
Leave it there and carry on with real life. It doesn't hurt to permanently widen your pool!

Wren1975 Wed 26-Oct-16 00:09:36

Perhaps it is my expectation management that needs working on .. I guess I was just getting frustrated at how long it's taking.
Thanks for all your advice smile

PastoralCare Wed 26-Oct-16 08:49:24

It's called self-selection, by the definition if a male is on a dating site he is not right for you.

That's not me saying, that's the data from the dating sites themselves: men are interested in looks and that's it.

Women look for men their age:

79.170.40.44/globaldatinginsights.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/chart_men.jpg

While men are interested in women in their early twenties

79.170.40.44/globaldatinginsights.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/chart_women.jpg

Regardless everyone is more interested in looks than anything else.

www.slate.com/content/dam/slate/articles/technology/bitwise/2014/07/140730_BIT_Ratings.png.CROP.original-original.png

Dieu Wed 26-Oct-16 09:34:18

No offence, but that really doesn't help.

Phwooooar Wed 26-Oct-16 10:22:47

Please don't give up hope! I was on and off various dating sites after my divorce, went on a few dates, met some good, some awful, some sad.. but then one afternoon I went on Tinder for a laugh - swiped right and met the love of my life, my soulmate. Almost a year down the line and sooooo much has happened, we've bought a house now and life is amazing! We're both in our early 50s grin

Wren1975 Wed 26-Oct-16 10:41:07

So this is what's happened today ..
I've been messaging with this man (through the dating site) for about 5/6 weeks. We appear to have a lot in common, have been getting on well, he has said that he thinks I'm pretty so presumably he is attracted to me. I really thought he was actually going to turn out to be worth dating. Sunday night I get a message saying 'your messages are ace. Catch up with you tomorrow'. I respond 'I enjoy receiving your messages too' ... and now he has removed me from his contacts! He is still on the site because I can still see his profile - so why has he suddenly decided he doesn't want to talk to me anymore? Did I do something wrong do you think?

Dieu Wed 26-Oct-16 10:42:41

You've done nothing pal. Guy's an arse, is all.

Wren1975 Wed 26-Oct-16 10:43:48

Phwoooar thanks for the encouragement. I thought Tinder was just for 20 somethings looking for a hook up - might try it now though.

Wren1975 Wed 26-Oct-16 10:46:33

Thanks Dieu. It's hard not to feel completely disheartened sad

ohforfoxsake Wed 26-Oct-16 11:11:58

I think that's very true about the age thing. Try expanding your age range to a little older. I did and was very pleasantly surprised.

donajimena Wed 26-Oct-16 11:47:47

You are chatting too long in my opinion. Sometimes people will chat for an ego stroke.
It builds false intimacy. You need to meet quickly and establish if they actually want to date. I met my partner within 3 days and we didn't chat much in between.
Ok so 3 days is fast but don't message repeatedly. Tie them down to a date. I learnt this on good old MN

Dieu Wed 26-Oct-16 11:53:17

Plus, chatting too long leads to over investment in the whole thing. It's only in real life that a true bond can be forged … or not.

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