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Tell me good things about being long term single as an older woman

(49 Posts)
LittleOyster Mon 24-Oct-16 23:16:34

I am currently in a bad marriage that I am trying to work my way out of. I am determined that, once free of this relationship, I shall never again live with or become financially entangled with a man. However I do hope that one day, however far in the future, I might meet someone and fall in love. However, my DM has advised me to come to terms with the fact that I may not ever meet anyone else. She thinks it's important that I leave my marriage with this understanding. This thought makes me sad because romantic love (or at least the idea of it) has always been important to me. And I suppose I find the prospect of many years of being without a partner somewhat daunting (I am 34 currently). However, given my experiences, I can certainly see the advantages of singlehood. So I am posting here to ask those of you who have experience of thus kind of lifestyle if you would share your experiences/reflections. I love to hear that it's possible to live a full and happy life without a partner, as it would really diminish many of my fears of separating.

TIA

LittleOyster Mon 24-Oct-16 23:18:09

Oh, just re-read - sorry for typos!

ImperialBlether Mon 24-Oct-16 23:19:21

Why would she say that to you?

BlueFolly Mon 24-Oct-16 23:20:18

Christ, I thought you were going to say you were in your 60s you daft mare!

You've more chance of finding love out of your marriage than in it.

If you leave now you won't spend the rest of your life wishing you'd left now.

Walkacrossthesand Mon 24-Oct-16 23:27:26

Blimey, is your mum's middle name Eeyore?! There's a world of difference between leaving a bad marriage because it's better to be happily single than unhappily wed, and 'may never meet anyone else' - is she trying to scare you into staying in that bad marriage? Why?

Statistically you are very likely to find a new partner. Not everyone does - I didn't, but I think I'm the exception rather than the rule.

Tarttlet Mon 24-Oct-16 23:28:37

You're 34 not 80! confused

mumofone1234 Mon 24-Oct-16 23:28:46

34 is not 'older' these days. You sound so old fashioned grin

It's so much easier with OLD. You'll definitely have dates straightaway. Man of your dreams might take a bit longer.

Cherryskypie Mon 24-Oct-16 23:31:05

Why on earth would she say that? If you were obsessing about finding your one true soulmate I could understand her trying to encourage some more reasonable goals but at 35 you've got every chance of having future loving relationships.

Cherryskypie Mon 24-Oct-16 23:31:28

34!

notrocketscience Mon 24-Oct-16 23:31:32

34! Can't stop laughing! You're not too old for Love. Nor would you be in your forties, fifties, sixties and beyond. Judy Dench got married in her seventies and is quoted as having finally met the love of her life.

Your Mum probably means well but to me she sounds afraid and is someone who prefers to keep things as they are even if they are foul.

I believe that true happiness with another is not possible until you know, accept and actually like yourself first. It's no good looking to someone else to "fix" you or your life. Once you get to that stage then maybe a relationship with enhance your life but not before.

I'm single, by choice and I'm extremely happy and content. Can't imagine wanting to allow someone to dictate and dominate me ever again.

Good luck!

Cherryskypie Mon 24-Oct-16 23:32:51

Is she trying to encourage you to stay in the marriage?

Dozer Mon 24-Oct-16 23:33:48

Your Mum is BU!

orangeandcranberry Mon 24-Oct-16 23:40:13

Ahahaha awwww poor you, 34?!!! That is young. My nanny got married for the first time at 60, no one knows what the future holds but you can't live in fear of what ifs. She has a bigger social life than me as well. Life's too short as they say!! I particularly liked the comment here saying you're more likely to find love outside this marriage than in it. Sounds spot on to me! All the best.

marriednotdead Mon 24-Oct-16 23:42:37

The possibility of not meeting anyone else is a crap reason to stay, please don't listen to her!

I both divorced and turned 50 this year, now very happy being single without knowing if that's a permanent situation.

My ex mil got married again about 5 years ago at the age of 70. Another friend is marrying in the spring when she'll be 64.

I figure I've got a while yet grin

OllyBJolly Mon 24-Oct-16 23:42:56

Single from 30 - 44. Then met the love of my life (OLD) and got married at 51.

Loved being single and sometimes miss it. Did so many things I wouldn't have done if I had a partner. I built a great career, studied for two Masters degrees, visited where I wanted, didn't have to consider another adult.

And yes - at 30 people told me my life was effectively over and pitied poor Olly, on her own. In truth I was having far more fun than they were.

LittleOyster Mon 24-Oct-16 23:44:03

ImperialBlether, I think it's because that has been her experience. She separated from my Dad 18 years ago and has never met anyone else. Though in fairness, she has never tried.

Walkacrossthesand, you might be right about the Eeyore thing. Once when I confided some of my difficulties to her she said, 'That's what marriage is, Oyster. I suffered for 25 years, why shouldn't you?!' shockconfusedgrin

Thanks for the vote of confidence everyone. It's been a long time since I have been in a happy relationship, and I think I've lost sight of what's possible. But at the same time I have this powerful longing for all that, which makes me feel really silly and weak, and then I think I really need to grow up.

LittleOyster Mon 24-Oct-16 23:46:14

Oh, sorry - x posted. Phone is being really slow tonight. Will now read new posts.

ohdearme1958 Mon 24-Oct-16 23:50:30

I was shocked to read that you're 34 and I think you're mum has some pretty old fashioned views on a woman's age. I also think she's probably worried about having a divorced daughter.

I'm 58. I left my marriage of a lifetime about 3 years ago. I have absolutely no intention of dating etc ever again but I still have a very happy and full life.

graphista Mon 24-Oct-16 23:53:16

Nonsense!

1 34 is still young! Many people don't marry for the first time until their 30's

2 she's projecting her own fears and anxieties onto you

3 being single doesn't mean being a nun wink

4 there's tons of pros to being 'completely' single too.

5 loads of people meet and marry the loves of their lives in 40's/50's/60's/70's/80's and beyond! I've seen it happen several times!

Don't stay in an unhappy marriage that will always be worse than any alternative!

Lorelei76 Mon 24-Oct-16 23:55:22

OP I'm meant to go to bed but had to post!
Older woman?! Give your head a wobble.

I'm single by choice at 40. I find your mums comment about suffering and that's what marriage is very telling. I think some people think relationships are intrinsically more important than happiness.

If you are looking to meet someone there a fairly good chance you will, I don't think being 34 makes that hard. 84, yes but not 34! But I think single by choice is on the increase especially among women, I think there studies saying single women are happier? You should point your mum to those.

Interestingly I think my mum would have been sad if you told her, ten years ago, that id make this choice but in spite of being with a couple of great guys, it just wasn't for me. Now she's seen me flourish so much more alone, she is actually very pleased.

Of course being single isn't for everyone but it might be for you and I think a lot of people don't give it a chance.

Shiningexample Mon 24-Oct-16 23:57:12

That's what marriage is, Oyster. I suffered for 25 years, why shouldn't you
christ with friends like that who needs enemies
just disregard anything she says, you've loads of life ahead of you, go out and bloomgrin
just because she withered on the vine doesnt mean you have to!

KateLivesInEngland Tue 25-Oct-16 00:03:45

34!
I'm 34 next month and I am in exactly the same position, I am trying to leave a very unhappy marriage too. You aren't over the hill at 34, it isn't 1850 y'know.
I have friends older than me who haven't settled down yet, you wouldn't be depressing them with tales of guaranteed spinsterhood, would you?

Jaded2004 Tue 25-Oct-16 00:07:06

I'm very late 30s and had one (bad) 2 year relationship since splitting with h 7 years ago. I've been single for a couple of years now and even during relationship I was really living a single life largely. I love it! I plan on staying this way and even if I did happen to meet someone I would definitely be against moving in together and most certainly would not ever get married again. I truly enjoy not being single and not having all the complications that come with a traditional relationship. That being said I do sometimes get a bit lonely and wish I had the support that I hear other people get in functional relationships, it would be nice to have someone to share things with but I just don't function well in relationships and make terrible choices so I figure it's a bit of a pay off.
You don't sound like you want to be like this at all! You sound like you do still want to find someone and the only doubts are the ones your mother has put forward. I have several friends who have met the love of their lives later in life and are so incredibly happy and very content :-) You are only 34 and have many years ahead in which to find someone that you can be wonderfully happy with!

garlicandsapphire Tue 25-Oct-16 00:16:45

Oh lord - you're in your 30s and you've got probably another 40 years of your life at least! No you won't bump into a single man ever - like ever, again.., though the life you've had as a grown up woman is far shorter than the life you have left! That's nuts.

Maybe your DM doesn't want you to leave?

But in reality you need to choose to leave to be on your own and build a full and happy life without a man. Because it's only when you're strong and independent you'll find someone worth having. Then, well I'm sure you've got a good few adventures in you yet....

JoJoSM2 Tue 25-Oct-16 00:25:30

34 is young ;) Thinking of the positives, first and foremost you won't have to deal with your husband any more. You'll be able to live wherever you fancy, go out, go travelling, flirt with handsome men, get up whatever time you want, stay out until whenever, eat whatever etc. have a much nicer life, basically.

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