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Arsehole BIL and what to do for the best(234 Posts)
NC'd for this but am a regular. This is going to be a bit of an essay, so apologies in advance.
Long story short, DH and his DB fell out about 4 years ago. This was DH's (then DP's) fault - they lived together at the time, I'd not long escaped a violent relationship (DH and I got together soon after, we'd been friends previously though), and DH moved me into his house with my baby DS. It was a big move for me, about 5 hours from my hometown. DH told me he'd cleared it with his DB, and that he was fine with me moving in - there's no way I'd have done it had he not been okay with the idea.
It turns out that no, his DB was not okay with it. He confronted me when we were on our own one day, and said he'd had no idea I was moving in, and was seriously pissed off about it. I was shocked, told him I was under the impression that he'd known and given his approval, and suggested we talk to DH together and try to sort it out. He stormed off. DH came home from work, I asked him what the fuck was going on, he admitted that he'd only sent his DB a text to tell him I was moving in and had had no reply! Now, I KNOW DH is the one who fucked up here, and there's no denying he was absolutely in the wrong.
The atmosphere at home was awful. BIL ignored us both, unless I was in the kitchen washing up, in which case he'd dump all his dirty plates in the sink and storm off. Eventually, I'd had enough of it, and told DH to clear the air with him. DH has always seemed a bit scared of his (10 years younger) DB, and was reluctant
too cowardly to 'upset' him, so I knocked on BIL's door and told him this needed to be sorted out once and for all, as the current situation was helping nobody.
BIL told me to fuck off. I repeated that we had to sort things out. He shoved me, hard, knocking me over. He then proceeded to slam my foot in the door several times, resulting in a trip to hospital to check nothing had been broken. DH helped me up, but said nothing to his DB. As I mentioned above, I wasn't long out of a violent relationship, and I was distraught.
BIL was forced by MIL to apologise to me, but it was completely insincere and wouldn't have happened had MIL not put him under duress. The atmosphere continued til BIL moved out a few months later. He refused to speak to DH following that.
DH's DGM died recently, and her funeral was a couple of weeks ago. I had the DC so couldn't attend, but DH went on his own. BIL was there, he shook DH's hand and they made small talk. DH seemed disproportionately delighted about this - in the past, he'd had very low self esteem, and always tried to please the wrong people. The worse he was treated, the more he'd try to do to please that person. That might have some bearing here.
On his return home, DH sent BIL a text, thanking him for shaking his hand and saying he hoped they could move on. BIL hasn't replied, and it doesn't look like he had any intention of doing so - no doubt he was keeping the peace in order to save my already distraught MIL from any further upset at the funeral, but had no real interest in smoothing things over with DH.
Now DH is very eager to build bridges, and he's upset that I'm not very supportive about it. Don't get me wrong, I completely understand that falling out with close family is awful, but I know DH is very often too keen to sweep past issues under the carpet. He's grown a lot of backbone in the nearly 5 years we've been together, and doesn't take nearly as much shit, but this business with BIL is a bone of contention between us. The thanking him for the handshake just came across as desperate to me, like a dog who still rolls over even when it's been kicked. DH says I need to stop bearing a grudge, and to support him, to which I replied how can he be so happy to make up with someone who assaulted his now wife?
I really don't know what to do for the best here. I'm the first to admit that I'm a champion grudge holder - I have BPD, so I'm all too aware that my thinking is very black and white when I've been wronged - but I don't think that BIL should be forgiven so easily. I know for a fact that DH wouldn't ever bring up what happened, nor would he say that I needed a proper apology. I've made it clear that whilst DH is free to build bridges with BIL, he's not welcome in my house (and yeah, I do get the irony there!).
So what do I do? Do I let this go for DH's sake? Is there any way around this? Thanks for reading, if you got this far!
I would say stay out of it.
It looks like BIL was being polite at the funeral and has no intention of being in touch.
That's what I thought too, magoria. It'd take a special kind of dickhead to kick off at a funeral.
To be honest I think it was just a shove, it happened 5 years ago, and your husband provoked your bil. Can you not really move on for your husbands sake ?
He then proceeded to slam my foot in the door several times, resulting in a trip to hospital
And your DH did nothing?
It was more the slamming my foot repeatedly in the door that got me, Northern - he knew what he was doing.
I think magoria got it right though. I doubt he had any real intention of getting back in touch with DH.
pugsake, that's about the size of it. Believe me, strong words were had. He's nowhere near as gutless these days, but that troubled me for a long time.
Very upsetting for your DH, but I think he is on a hiding to nothing here. His brother was obviously just keeping the peace in public.
You could suggest your DH ask his brother if he fancies a pint (men only - you not present) and see what comes of that. Bro will either accept and perhaps they can build bridges, or nor, in which case your DH will know not to go crawling after him.
It seems a very extreme reaction to something that pissed him off umpteen years ago, and for which you certainly weren't responsible, though as you say, your DH should have been more diplomatic about things.
I think your BIL is an arse - the very fact that he was so physically violent towards you is hardly reasonable behaviour. I suspect that your poor DH will have to just suck up the fact that his twat of a brother isn't adult enough to even answer his texts.
I've made it clear that whilst DH is free to build bridges with BIL, he's not welcome in my house
I think that's a perfectly acceptable stance to be honest.
Hardly just a shove Northern if she ended up on the floor then repeatedly had her foot slammed in it!
I'd let your DH get on with whatever bridges he feels he needs to build and stay out of it, but make it clear without a sincere apology he can do one from your perspective. That doesn't stop them from having a relationship if they want one - although tbf it doesn't sound like BIL does anyway
You shouldn't have to see him at all. He bloody assaulted you!
I wouldn't have gone as far as BIL, I wouldn't shove someone around or hurt them he is a shit for that.
However I would be mighty fucked off if a stranger and their child were moved into my home with no warning and nothing said, were in the kitchen (in my home) when I wanted to use it and then they proceeded to tell me 'things had to be sorted out'.
I am pretty sure they would get a fuck off and then I would probably push past them to leave myself if they decided they would not as they decided things had to be sorted.
To then have to leave my home a few months later is the cherry on top really.
Your DH wasn't too much of a people pleaser towards his brother over all this really was he? He just dumped you in the household and allowed everyone to be miserable.
I'm not surprised your bil was and still is angry. You and your dh (then dp) took over his living space and eventually forced him out of his home. It, also, sounds like you confronted him in his own room, insisted he talk about, to make your life happier and wouldn't let him shut the door on you. He could only slam your foot in the door several times if you won't remove you foot from it.
magoria, nobody made him move out, although I understand totally why he did. I always kept a very low profile when he was around - I couldn't bear the atmosphere. DH admits it was an astonishingly selfish act on his part, moving me in like that.
mum11970, I couldn't remove my foot immediately as I'd been knocked over and had landed awkwardly, and was just so stunned I couldn't move as fast as I should've. I wasn't in his room either, I was at the door to the study where he kept his PC - he camped out in there a lot, but I know that's a minor detail.
Why did you leave your foot in the door?
He probably camped out there a lot because his home had been taken over by his brother, his girlfriend and her baby. Was he supposed to just smile and put up with the situation. He went from living with his adult brother to living with a family and was just supposed to be happy about it.
As much as sympathise about The breakdown of the relationship but if the atmosphere was so bad, why didn't you move out with or without dp, could of saved a lot of upset!
mum11970, I'm not questioning how he was feeling - I understand exactly why he was pissed off, I would've been too, and I was pissed off that DH handled it all so bloody badly. I said in my OP that DH was very much in the wrong for moving me in and thinking that letting BIL know by text was acceptable.
I'm not asking for an insight into why BIL might be pissed off - I'm asking how I should deal with it all going forward.
Your dh was a dick, and I can completely understand why Bil wouldn't be happy. I can imagine that you were less than happy as well, essentially being lied to.
Big that is NO FUCKING EXCUSE for what he did - he assaulted you. Pissed off or not, that is not ok.
Personally I would say that if dh wants a relationship with him then fine, but it would be a cold day in hell before I'd even be civil to him. He sounds like a violent cunt
shopaholic, I'd moved cross country, to a city I barely knew, with only a few people I knew there. I had very little money (any money I did have paid for my/DS's keep, contributions to shopping, bills etc), no job at that moment in time, and DH was tied into a tenancy. If I'd had anywhere else to go, or the available funds, I would have done.
ohfour, thank you. I wasn't impressed at all when I found out BIL hadn't had a clue, it put me in an incredibly awkward position that I had no way of extricating myself from.
Other than apologising perfusely and with sincerity there is nothing you can do. You call your bil an arsehole for not being happy with the situation he was placed in and for behaving politely at a funeral. I just don't get why he is an arsehole.
I'm sorry, are people really victim blaming the op for her assault by her BIL? If someone posted the same scenario but it was their DH who repeatedly slammed their foot in the door, would you be asking why they didn't move it?
OP I would do as 2kids advised, stay out of it and let BIL show his true colours again.
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