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7 months pregnant, relationship is a mess(28 Posts)
Apologies in advance for the really long post, trying to avoid dripfeeding!
As the title says, I'm 7 months pregnant with our first baby (not planned) and my relationship is a complete and utter mess, DP and I have been together 2 and a half years and used to be really happy. He's developed a really bad depression over the last few months because he feels he is losing his freedom with the new baby. When we first found out I was pregnant, he reacted really badly and wanted me to get an abortion. This was definitely not an option for me - I had an abortion when we first got together and getting over it mentally and physically was extremely difficult. He didn't see it that way though and when I said this time that I would be keeping the baby, he said he wanted nothing to do with it and that he'd pay me child support but didn't want a relationship with baby. He quickly changed his mind and after a few weeks I decided to give him another chance because I thought it was just a really bad shock reaction, and until I reached about 16 weeks he was really excited.
Since then he's been getting gradually worse up until the point we're at now, with our baby due at new year and him in a deep depression, refusing to take antidepressants. I'm trying my best to stay positive and help him through it because I've been through depression before and it's fucking horrible, he feels drained and I honestly do understand that sometimes he just needs to be alone or needs a hug or whatever. But he sometimes says things like when I discuss things we still need to buy/how much it'll cost - "I didnt want this baby and now I'm fucking skint from buying car seats etc" or if I have a moan that my body has changed and I feel unattractive "Well you were the one that wanted to keep this baby I did warn you". He also says he's skint but somehow has enough money to go on several nights out a month.
I went to the hospital the other night after work because I hadn't felt baby move all day and wanted his heartbeat checked, and he said he would come with me but when it came to the time for him to come to the hospital and meet me, he said he had too much work he had to catch up on and didn't see the point in coming " but phone me if anything bad happens and I'll come down". Everything was fine in the end but it took the midwife ages to find his heart and eventually had to call another midwife in for help finding it, so obviously I started panicking. When I got home from the hospital I noticed that he'd put a post on Facebook saying he was watching some film and obviously not doing work (around the time I was in the waiting room at hospital alone).
At the moment I'm staying at my mum's house, we had planned for me to move in to his house with him but I genuinely felt like a guest in his house with none of my stuff allowed to be moved in because there's "no room" (there is), and at the moment I feel like staying at my mum's is the best option now, and he will be staying with us for his paternity leave which is 3 weeks. He has no interest in sex/acting like a couple so I feel like we'e just friends (and sometimes not even that). I've tried to end the relationship completely but he always apologises and says he will try to get better/stop making me feel guilty for keeping our baby, but a few days will pass and it all just starts again. I want to give my son the possibility of a potentially happy family (if he gets better and we can fix the relationship) or do I leave and do it on my own?
I'm sorry again for the long post but basically, what the fuck do I do? Do I stay with him and try to work things out or do I leave him, stay at my mum's and try to get my own place? Will he change after he meets his baby or am I just kidding myself? And are my hormones just making me crazy or is he actually being out of order with the stuff he says?
Leave him to it. He sounds pathetically childish.
You can't support his depression and (frankly) him throwing his toys out of the pram because he doesn't like reality while you're heavily pregnant, and you will have absolutely NO time or emotional energy for this shit when the baby comes. He needs to grow up.
He might change after the baby is born, but in the mean time, if I were you I would start building a home and life for yourself and baby that doesn't rely on him and his moods. You don't need to be caring for two children.
I don't know quite what to say but he does not want to do this. He's not going to magically change once the baby is born.
I think you need to prepare yourself that you may be doing this alone and what that will entail for you.
Make sure you have a plan who will come to the birth in case he doesn't.
Frankly he sounds awful and I wouldn't want to have sex with him or allow a child around his disgusting comments and attitudes. I don't think he's got the potential to be a decent father. If he really doesn't want to do this he should be grown up about it and make his boundaries clear, right now you are just hanging on waiting for him to wake up.
He sounds like a child himself, it sounds as if your best bet would be to go it alone, if you have your mums support & she will let you stay at her home until you can find a place of your own, do it. I very much doubt that he will change the way he acts, when baby arrives.
I've been depressed and it's not a reason to treat someone vulnerable like shit. It's an excuse. I think you need to see that he's not depressed - he feels trapped
I would count on him not being around at all. He's spoilt this time of your life with his childishness and being an arsehole. He's an adult who's throwing his toys out his pram because he didn't get his way. What a twat. 'Depression', my arse. Enlist your mother as a birth partner. Don't bother having him move in with her for 3 weeks - WTAF, he already has a house!
He's just fucking with your mind and that's all he'll ever do.
Your relationship is already over. Dead in the water.
And I will bet you good money he won't turn up for those 3 weeks either. Something will "come up".
This was a risk you took when you decided to keep your baby. Unfortunately it hasn't worked out well and he doesn't seem to want that commitment with you.
Accept that and make sure you put a claim in for maintenance so at least he will pay for his child!
I wouldn't be wasting my time with this lemon. He clearly doesn't want to be a dad and can't bring himself to provide proper support to his pregnant partner. This is going to sound terribly harsh, but there is no suggestion from your post of any affection or sense of responsibility towards you. He just sounds like he is treading water. Tell him he isn't measuring up.
He sounds like an arse and it's got fuck all to do with his alleged depression.
Bin him, stay with your mum and go it alone. It's hard having a baby on your own but it's 100x harder when you're not dealing with a man child at the same time.
When you ARE dealing with a man child, that should say.
He sounds like a spolied childish prick. At least you're not stuck living with him. Is your mum supportive? If I were you I would definitekystay put at her house for the time being. The question is, even if he does get his shit together in time for the babies arrival, will you be able to get over his actions so far? My answer would be no.
He didn't want to keep the baby and is now depressed and confused... Mostly burying his head in the sand and fearing commitment. To me it seems that he's obviously not up to the job at the mo but I think there is hope as, as you say, you used to be very happy. I think there is hope for you to sort it out but I can't see how that could be done without any help as you have a lot of resentment mounting up as it is. I would get some counselling. If he refuses to do that, then it'll probably go down the drain...
Leave him. He doesn't want a child and is not taking responsibility for making one. I would plan to move forwards without him. He will never not hold this against you.
Thanks for the advice!!
My mum is really supportive and wants me to live with her. It took me ages to actually tell her what's been happening! I think deep down I know it's probably not gonna get MUCH better after the baby's born and It would be easier going it alone but its hard to give up on it because I'm holding on to what it used to be like!
Don't know if it sounds selfish but I feel like it should be him looking after me right now not the other way about!!
Under normal circumstances, it would be him looking after you. However, given that he did not want the baby and hasn't had any control over what is happening to him in his life... And we're talking the most major life-long, life changing thing... You can clearly see how he ended up depressed...
That's not selfish of you, just very unrealistic in his case!
You sound very caring but I think he's taking the piss!
No control Jojo?
You can't jump to that conclusion, you don't know how the accident happened. He is just as responsible for a pregnancy.
I'm sorry op. I ageee cut your losses and start building your life for your dc and you.
^ I ^think deep down I know it's probably not gonna get MUCH better after the baby's born and It would be easier going it alone but its hard to give up on it because I'm holding on to what it used to be like!
It's not going to get any better - it's going to get worse. If he has no excitement/anticipation about a baby now, sight of his firstborn is not going to magically bestow a complete change of personality upon him. That only happens in films. It's certainly never going to be what it used to be like ever again - not even remotely. His resentment to the situation is only going to explode with the addition of sleep deprivation and your complete re-direction of attention to a newborn (you will have no resources left to direct towards his 'needs' when you have a newborn).
Get out. Now.
Yes Jojo, what a shame his penis accidentally ejaculated and got the op pregnant
Matchstickbox, no we don't know the circumstances. However, it can be presumed that there was an unfortunate birth-control mulfunction and no morning-after pill? Also, he did say he wanted the OP to have an abortion and made it clear that he didn't want the baby. The opposite is happening so he's frustrated and depressed.
Just to make it clear, I do respect the OP's decision to keep the baby and I'm anti-abortion myself - just pointing out that the both of them couldn't have their way and I can see where his frustration and depression are coming from.
Well I can see where it might come from but basically he has decided the OP has to pay for this decision in spades 100 times over hasn't he?
No he won't change after the baby arrives. As others have said, it will get even worse because babies are hard work and the sleep deprivation and life disruption will simply compound his feelings of resentment.
And it IS resentment - not depression, make no mistakes.
Start making plans to be a single parent - if by some miracle he does end up wanting to step up to fatherhood it will be a bonus but absolutely not something you can rely on, and it is a waste of the last new weeks of your pregnancy to do anything other than to plan for a life with just you and your baby with your mum for support.
He has a duty to support you financially, but as he didn't want this pregnancy - and was quite up front about it from the off - it would be foolish to expect him to be supportive in any other way.
It's more likely to get worse when the baby arrives, due to sleep deprivation, lack of time/ energy for each other, resentment from you because he doesn't step up and do stuff for the baby, resentment from him because he didn't want the baby in the first place etc etc. I'd say plan on being a single parent because he sounds like a dead weight and you can't fix him - you have a baby to concentrate on. All you can realistically expect is maintenance.
Ditch him, he's wearing you down and sounds childish. Not worth any of your time and your unborn deserves better then that.
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