Family annihilation - previous violence?

[Giveusawobble]

Need to get rid/ deal with a paranoia. Splitting with DH in a few years gone from a long term marriage which was generally happy with the odd issue to totally stuffed. He now has MH issues and has spiralled horribly and destructively to a man I don't know.

Here's the thing if/when he visits the kids (very sporadic) due to the distance we are living apart he wants to/has to stay with us in our home.

Every single time I get massively paranoid and can't sleep, feel unsafe want to protect the kids. I have now said he can't stay this has gone very very badly. But it feels like letting a stranger in.

He is I think a narc, controlling and at the very lowest ebb he can be, however he has never been violent or abusive, we argue but he's never threatened me. He has slapped DC1 (5) once when she pushed and pushed but saw it as the same as a tap on the leg. To me it's not. He does have suicidal thoughts though and everything is just so fucking weird that I just convince myself (thanks Daily Mail) he is suddenly going to decide it's all too much and he is going to punish me/take us all with him.

So please talk to me as I'm spinning out tonight. If I don't let him stay how does he see the kids? If I make it worse surely that puts the kids more at risk.

And are they at risk anyway as he has shown zero signs he would be this way! Why can't I stop the paranoia and dark thoughts??

[pnutter]

I think..off the cuff..not knowing much ..just keep the kids with you. I think I would . longer term I don't know . A slap is too much in my opinion anyway .

[JontyDoggle37]

Listen to your gut. If you don't feel safe, don't do it. If he wants to see his children he could stay in a travelodge or some such nearby - although if you feel he is such a potential danger to them to be honest I'd be contacting social services, reporting his behaviour and not allowing him contact with the kids.

[lizzieoak]

I'd say listen to your gut. I'd also say that it's understandable but misguided thinking that if you let him stay it's a better idea than upsetting him. I'd also see if you can get supervised visits for him & the kids.

Likely it's just that you're being a good and protective mum. But better safe than sorry in these things.

[RiceCrispieTreats]

He's a grown man with his own source of income and the capacity to book himself a room in a hotel or BnB.

It is not your responsibility to house him.

The answer to your question: "If I don't let him stay how does he see the kids?" is: "That's for him to figure out."